Chaos
by quicksilver angel
Summary: FINITO! I've finished it! At last! Hooray!
1. Falling into my Lap...top

Chapter 1  
  
Hmm.my friends tell me my stories are stupid, most of them can't be bothered to read my stories, my 'editor' (another friend) says my stories are pathetic.oh woe is me. Okay, then. Stuff you all! I'll write a serious story! I'll show you all! Mwahahahahaha! (she's crazy) from (the nutcase) Christina. (I'm not a nutcase!) That's Christina. (Yes you are. Don't be so defensive. Now stop typing and read my story) that's me. (Shut up both of you) And that.would be Angeline.  
  
*  
  
8:25 PLC (Pymble Ladies' College) 6F classroom  
  
"Does anyone know what lucibrate means?" asked Jessica. She was pointing to a strange unreadable word on the board, written in blue pen. "Would anyone our age do that?" asked Angeline. "You probably would. Mrs Fisk might," replied the girl. "Ooh.that doesn't sound good," said Rebecca. "No, it's not good, and it's not bad," shrugged Jessica. After a few more questions, Jessica finally revealed what the word meant: To study by lamplight or candlelight. "Oh. I don't do that," said Angeline, tossing her hair and turning back to her desk. Rachel, who was sitting next to her was thinking, Ha! Her nose is getting longer! I bet she does it all the time! After reading what was on her friend's computer screen, Angeline gave a soft laugh, before giving Rachel a good look at her finger. That was.her middle finger. Rachel simply laughed, before continuing to type on her laptop. Angeline turned back to the TV screen, and resumed watching it. Every eye in the classroom was glued to the screen.well, nearly every eye. Some of the girls in the class were tapping away at the keyboards on their laptops, playing what Rachel supposed was the new craze- Icy Tower. Michelle leaned over, and in a soft voice, whispered, "There's no me. Hee hee hee." Who knew what she meant through this strange phrase? "Oh f," breathed Michelle, continuing to watch the TV. Angeline leaned over and muttered something into Liz's ear. Liz hit her. After looking at Rachel's laptop screen, Michelle slapped her friend on the arm, and giggled, saying, "What are you going to do to us? Kill us?" she had read the story. Angeline slapped Rachel again, whose arm was now getting increasingly sore. Angeline's eyes scanned the screen, and once more, she viciously launched an unprovoked attack on the innocent child. Well, maybe not so unprovoked. And perhaps the child was not really that innocent. But that's another story. Rachel, who was very used to this by now simply laughed and typed down what had just happened. Angeline leaned over and after reading her screen again, slapped Rachel five more times. (Rachel had been counting the number of hits, as she suspected that her lawyer would find the information extremely helpful in her court case). Several other students also read the girl's story, and soon Rachel was under attack. Hands flew, whacking her again and again. Gritting her teeth, but determined to continue recording what was happening, Rachel continued typing. Louisa, who also wanted to be included in the story had begun slapping Rachel as well, until the author turned around and informed both her and Liz that if they continued hitting her.well.they wouldn't like it. Not one bit. Fortunately, this stopped the vicious classmates of Rachel from attacking her, and she finally relaxed, trying to think of what else to type. Angeline reached into her desk and took out a block of Dream chocolate. Breaking a piece off, she passed it to Liz, before walking away. Michelle, who had read Rachel's screen (again) looked horrified, and whined, "There's no more of me. I don't want to marry Neville." She had seen what Rachel had in store for Angeline and her fellow monsters. "Don't worry," said Rachel. "You won't marry Neville." But Michelle had already given up listening to her friend. Watching the screen, she whispered, "Poor croc." She was watching the gory scenes in which the crocodiles were being assassinated. Then, a sudden change of mind made her mutter, "Kill the crocs." Snorting, Rachel typed it down. "I ain't gonna marry no Neville," growled Liz, getting up, once the program was over. "Oh yeah?" Rachel grinned evilly. "It's my story." *the further records of what happened after this cannot be recorded, as they destroy the suspense of what is happening afterwards*  
  
*  
  
It was a rainy recess, and Rachel and her friends were all crowding around Christina's computer, when it happened. "Oh look!" squealed Christina. "There's an ad on my screen!" "Oh wow! Y'don't say?" exclaimed Rachel, sarcastically. "That's amazing!" Turning round, Christina rolled her eyes, saying, "Shut up, Rachel." "Why should I?" Rachel stared back, smugly. "Ugh," Christina turned back to her screen, and announced in a clear voice, "The chance to meet Harry Potter in person!" turning back to her friends, she whispered in a quick whisper, "How cool! I think it means that we get to be in the next Harry Potter movie!" "Really?" Rachel's voice dripped sarcasm. "You should work in a museum! Maybe you can solve the long lost puzzles that were written in Hieroglyphics!" Her 'friends' ignored her. "I'll press enter, shall I?" "Nah. Don't. Who wants to be a movie star?" No doubt, that was Rachel again. Suddenly, there was a loud whirring sound, and the very air around them began trembling. "WHAT THE FREAKING HELL---" began Michelle. Then, she was forced to shut her mouth, as all the girls began tumbling down, down, down.  
  
*  
  
Heh, heh, heh. It's a cliffhanger. And a real crap one too. Sorry, but I really need it to check if my friends agree with the stuff that I'm writing about them. I'm putting in their real personalities, so they might not agree with the true image of them that I'm sending out into the World Wide Web. But if they don't agree, that's good. Because most likely, it will be true.  
  
In case you were wondering, yes, my name is Rachel, and my friends do exist. That's why I was recording exactly what they were doing before. Although another reason is because I wanted to annoy them. But.anyway.  
  
Now, I know that you may not find my personal life very interesting, but I promise you that it gets much better. So, you have to review, because if I don't get at least 1 review, I won't post my next chapter. So watch out, and review. Remember, all you have to do is press the review button and type a few words. Even 'very good' will do, for now. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review. 


	2. Kings Cross Station

Chapter 2  
  
Before I continue my story, I must first warn you about something: Angeline is ever the philosopher, and Michelle is a violent psycho maniac who often feels the urge to squeal. Oh yeah, and Christina is extremely slow at jokes, and has sick taste in humour. By the way, she's also smitten with Harry Potter. (she wants to marry him).  
  
*  
  
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Several bodies hit the floor of King's Cross Station. "How did I get here?" moaned Angeline. "This is not logical! It's wrong!" "WHERE AM I?" screeched Michelle. Several other words were also sent out into the world by her mouth, but I think I need a license to type them. "Ow." said Stephanie. "Yow! What the hell?" cried Victoria. "Where's Christina?" said Angeline. Then, glancing around the station, she caught sight of a starry-eyed Christina, who was sitting in the trolley of whom else but...HARRY POTTER?! "Hi, Harry!" squealed Christina. "I'm Christina! How are you?" "H-h-h-hi," stammered Harry, looking shocked. "I-I-I'm fine." "Oh ****! Felicity came, too!" groaned Rachel. "Christina, you starry-eyed idiot! Couldn't you wait 'till she went away before you pressed the button?" "Harry Potter," breathed Felicity. "Wow! He's so handsome!" "Uh.thanks," said Harry. "You're not Harry Potter," said Vanessa, pointing an accusing finger at Harry. "Harry Potter doesn't exist. He's only in stories." "Excuse me," said Harry, "But I am Harry Potter." "Why did you have to bring Felicity?" moaned Rachel. "Why, why, why?" "No, I don't believe you are Harry Potter," replied Angeline, looking straight at Harry. "You are a made-up character in a book." Rachel smirked, and burst out laughing. "Ha, ha! Your memory is better than an elephant's! You still remember the time I told you that Oliver Wood did not exist? Ha!" Going bright red, Angeline muttered something unintelligible under her breath, before standing up. "Humph!" she said. "I am simply stating the obvious fact that Harry Potter is only a fictional character!" "Pinocchio," whispered Rachel. "Be quiet!" commanded Angeline, her face going redder than the hair of the boy who was approaching Harry. "Is that Ron?" asked Michelle. "No! And this isn't Harry, either!" said Vanessa and Angeline in unison. "Yes I am!" said Harry, looking quiet harassed. "Prove it! Where's your passport?" demanded Angeline. "I don't have one!" shrieked Harry. "What a dreamy voice he has," cooed Felicity, fluttering her non-existent eyelashes at him. "Hey! Lay off him!" snapped Christina, glaring up at her from the trolley. Then, turning her gaze to Harry, she sighed, smiling. "Hi, Harry," she breathed. "Hahaha! You're so stupid, Christina!" laughed Rachel. "What's wrong with Christina?" asked Victoria, looking very confused. "She's smitten with Harry," explained Rachel. "What does smitten mean?" asked Christina. "Smitten: very much in love with," said Angeline, automatically. "I am not in love with Harry!" screamed Christina, trying to get out of the trolley. Her flailing legs caught the birdcage in the side, crushing the hinges of the door, and giving Hedwig instant access to the outside world. "Eek!" shrieked Christina. "Ew!" she shrank away from the snowy owl, covering her face with her hand. "Ew, ew, ew!" "No!" cried Harry, lunging forward to catch the bird. "Hedwig!" Screeching loudly, the owl gave a beat of its powerful wings, and disappeared in a flurry of white feathers. "Come back!" moaned Harry, his hands still reaching out. "No! My beautiful bird!" "Is it gone?" squeaked Christina, her face still hidden under her hands. She peeked out through her fingers and gave a shriek of fear when she saw Felicity's loathsome face. "AH!" then, under her breath, she muttered, "Ew. Gross. How ugly." Doubling over, Rachel began laughing. "Hear hear!" "Oh shut up, will you, Rachel?" Angeline glared at her 'friend'. Rachel stopped laughing, and gave Angeline a very hurt look. "That's mean." "I know it is. That's why I said it," said Angeline, giving the other girl a smug look. "Smart ass!" said Rachel. "I know I am. Thanks," smiled Angeline. "That's just stupid," said Michelle. "I know I am. Thanks," said Rachel, doing her best imitation of Angeline.  
  
Meanwhile, in the highest tower in Hogwarts, a witch sat, gazing in a crystal ball, her eyes wide as she saw.  
  
*  
  
"CHAOS!" she shrieked, covering her eyes and backing away from the crystal ball. "Oh woe is us! CHAOS is upon the school!" "Now, now. Calm down," said Dumbledore, handing her a warm cup of tea. "What exactly did you see? Not Harry dying again, I hope." Professor Trewalney took the tea, and sipping it cautiously, she said, "I don't really know. I looked away before I finished Seeing." Then, looking back into the teacup, she gave another scream, and fell off her stool. "MORE CHAOS!" she exclaimed, from the apparent safety of the floor. "Really?" asked Dumbledore, peering at the crystal ball. "Go on." Finally, the professor picked herself up from the floor, and resumed her place on the stool, eyeing the crystal ball nervously. Holding her hands over it, in what she assumed was a mystical stance, she gazed back into the crystal ball. "I see." she murmured. "I see.THIRTEEN girls! They are dressed in dark clothes, and approaching the school." "Thirteen? What's wrong with that? It's only superstition," shrugged Dumbledore. "Us fortune-tellers do not like the number thirteen," replied the professor, in a trembly whisper. "Good things never come in thirteen." "I hope you're not discriminating your daughter again," began Dumbledore, sternly. Professor Trewalney gave him a sour look from behind her glasses, before saying in a less mystical voice that before, "I'm not." "Whatever you say," shrugged the headmaster. "Now, what else do you see?" "The girls are.they are wearing tartan tunics, with white shirts." muttered the professor. "They are also wearing tartan ties, and black socks." "That sounds a bit like the muggle school, Pymble Ladies' College," remarked Dumbledore. "Several of them are wearing.blazers and scarves.they have.Clarks shoes? My crystal ball cannot understand all this muggle wear," declared Professor Trewalney. "Never mind that. I'm quite sure that they are witches from this school called Pymble Ladies' College. Quite a good school, too," said Dumbledore. "Right, I must greet these new students properly. I think they're the students that the Ministry of Magic said were getting a scholarship to this school." "One of them appears to be lying in a trolley," added Professor Trewalney, rather doubtfully. "Oh dear," said Dumbledore.  
  
*  
  
How was that? Did you like it? It's only gonna get better, so please start reviewing. By the way, all (well, nearly all) the personal details about my school and my friends are true. 


	3. 3 (i've forgotten wat it's about, but it...

Chapter 3  
  
Now, back to our heroines, who were still at Kings Cross Station.  
  
"Uh.do you guys know what's going on?" asked Sarah.  
  
"Not really, no." said Angeline and Rachel, at the same time. Rachel raised an eyebrow, glaring at the other girl.  
  
"Copycat," she said. Then, getting up, she walked over to inspect Christina, who was lying in an extremely uncomfortable position in Harry's trolley. Grinning, she asked, "Having fun?"  
  
"Shut up and help me!" shrieked Christina, reaching a hand out towards her.  
  
"Please?" "OH!" Christina scowled. "Just help me!"  
  
Grabbing her friend's hand, Rachel tugged hard, freeing Christina from her prison.  
  
"Thank you," said Christina, once she was standing on the floor. Then, taking one look at Harry, her eyes widened, and she exclaimed, "I'm your 1# fan!"  
  
"Hasn't Colin Creevey claimed that title already?" asked Rachel. "How do you know?" Harry raised an eyebrow, making Christina squeal and blush. "I hope you haven't been spying on me."  
  
"Ew! Don't be gross!" Rachel frowned. "Only Christina would do something like that!"  
  
"Oh! I would not!" exclaimed Christina.  
  
"Notice how she emphasises the word, 'would'," whispered Rachel.  
  
"Yeah," laughed Angeline.  
  
"You guys are mean!" whined Christina.  
  
"How long did it take you to figure that out?" snorted Angeline.  
  
Harry stared. "What are you people doing here?"  
  
"That's what we're trying to find out!" shrieked Michelle.  
  
"Maybe this is all just a dream," suggested Vanessa.  
  
"No. It's definitely not a dream," replied Rachel. "It's a nightmare."  
  
"I don't think it's a nightmare," shrugged Christina, giving Harry a small wave.  
  
"Why the hell are you waving to someone who is standing right next to you?" asked Michelle.  
  
"Because she's smitten," said Rachel.  
  
"I am not!" shouted Christina. She stamped her foot angrily.  
  
"Yes you are," replied Rachel. "Why else would you wave to someone who is standing right next to you? Just because he's wearing glasses doesn't mean Harry is completely blind."  
  
Ignoring her, Victoria spoke up first. "I think Vanessa's right. This is probably all just a dream. Maybe we should just pinch ourselves----"  
  
"Oh.no you don't," said Angeline, avoiding Michelle.  
  
"Or---" Victoria tried to continue, unsuccessfully.  
  
"Who are you all?" cried Harry. "Oh. Well, I'm Angeline, that's Michelle, that's Victoria, that's Stephanie, that's Sarah, that's Louisa, that's Amelia, that's Rachel, that's Vanessa, and---" said Angeline. "I'm Christina," said Christina, stepping forward and pointing to herself.  
  
"Uh.right," said Harry. He glanced over her shoulder and called, "Hey, Ron!"  
  
The redheaded boy came over, looking quiet shocked. "Harry, I don't know what you did to get yourself surrounded by so many girls, but---"  
  
"He did nothing," snapped Rachel. "Christina---"  
  
"Christina?"  
  
Rachel pointed to the girl with shoulder-length hair.  
  
"Christina," she said. "She got us into this mess."  
  
"It's not a mess," whined Christina, gazing at Harry.  
  
"We wouldn't happen to be in England, would we?" asked Angeline, wincing.  
  
"No. We're in King's Cross Station, but we're still in Australia," snapped Rachel.  
  
"Oh shut up," said Angeline.  
  
Harry leaned over to whisper in Ron's ear. "They've been saying that to each other ever since they got here."  
  
Anxious to have Harry whisper in her ear, Felicity stepped up next to him.  
  
"What was that?" she asked.  
  
"Phaw! You need a Tictac!" exclaimed Harry, waving a hand over his nose. "But I---"  
  
"It's from all the crap you've been saying," said Rachel.  
  
Clapping her hands to applaud her friend, Angeline laughed. "Go Rachel!"  
  
The other girls laughed, as well, with the exception of Felicity.  
  
Felicity stuck her bottom lip out. "You guys are all meanies!" she said, in a babyish voice.  
  
"Hang on! Are you all from Australia?" asked Ron.  
  
"Yes," sighed Angeline. "So we are in England?"  
  
"What do you think?" asked Rachel.  
  
"Yes, you are in England," replied Ron. "Did you just arrive?"  
  
"Duh," said Rachel.  
  
"Yes," Angeline translated.  
  
"Oh." Ron nodded. "So what are you all doing here?"  
  
"Wondering what we're doing here," said Rachel.  
  
"We're not dreaming, are we?" sighed Stephanie. "About what?"  
  
"What do you think?" demanded Rachel.  
  
Before Rachel could say anything else that would get them in trouble, Stephanie asked, "So Harry Potter really does exist?"  
  
"Stephanie, need I tell you?" asked Rachel.  
  
"Rachel, don't be so argumentative," scolded Angeline.  
  
"Yeah, gosh," added Christina. Angeline stared at her.  
  
"What was that supposed to mean?" she asked.  
  
Christina shrugged.  
  
"Well, I guess you'll be going on the train to Hogwarts now," said Angeline. "So, bye."  
  
"See you," said Michelle.  
  
"But Angeline," whined Christina. "Can't we at least go and see the Platform? Please?"  
  
"Yeah!" said Victoria, her face lighting up like a premature Christmas tree.  
  
"Can I have your autograph?" asked Felicity.  
  
"Aw, shuddup," said Rachel.  
  
"Yeah, Felicity," said Sarah, muttering something into Louisa's ear. Loui giggled, passing the message on to Amelia, who snorted, her face going slightly pink as she laughed.  
  
Suddenly, the appearance of a certain man stopped any further conversation.  
  
"Hello, Professor Dumbledore!" said Harry.  
  
"Ooh." said Felicity.  
  
"Harry, you're the first student of Hogwarts to meet the newest members of Hogwarts," smiled Dumbledore.  
  
"Members? Of Hogwarts?" Rachel gaped at him. The jaws of several of her friends dropped, hitting their toes.  
  
"I'm sorry, but you've got to be joking," said Victoria. "We attend Pymble Ladies' College."  
  
"Yeah.hey!" Rachel got a dreamy look on her face. "We're missing the maths test! Woohoo! We're wagging school, y'know?"  
  
"Oh no!" moaned Vanessa, covering her face with her hands. "We've got to get back now! I was really looking forward to the maths test!"  
  
"We're missing the spelling test too," smiled Rachel, staring into space.  
  
"No!" sobbed Vanessa. She grabbed Christina by her shoulders. "Get us back now! I can't miss a test!" she shook the other girl as hard as she could. Christina didn't budge an inch. (sorry Vanessa, but you're not really the strongest person in the world. Or the biggest, in that matter. Relax, Christina. I'm not saying that you're fat). Angeline also gave a wail. "NOT THE MATH'S TEST!" she cried.  
  
"Heh, heh, heh," chuckled Michelle, and evil grin on her face.  
  
"Phew!" said Stephanie. "I don't like the maths test."  
  
"Now, now. Don't insult Vanessa," said Rachel.  
  
"Oh yeah! We are missing the maths test!" said Sarah.  
  
"Oh goody," said Louisa and Amelia at the same time.  
  
"Now, now, ladies," said Dumbledore, getting back to the original topic. "I am not mistaken. You all have scholarships to Hogwarts."  
  
"Oh goody! I always knew I was a witch!" squealed Felicity.  
  
"Don't you mean bitch?" asked Rachel, her eyebrows raised.  
  
"Except for you," continued Dumbledore, his eyes falling on the pot-bellied girl. "I don't know what you're doing here." "Aw." Felicity's eyes fell with her face, landing in a heap at her feet. With a wave of his wand, Dumbledore sent her back to class, just in time for the maths and spelling test.heh heh heh. "Wow! Can you teach me that?" asked Stephanie. Her eyes were wide with excitement, and she was smiling widely. "That's the fastest anyone's ever gotten rid of her!"  
  
"No," replied Dumbledore. "You don't even have your wands."  
  
"Aw." said Victoria, slumping over, in disappointment.  
  
"Damn," said Rachel. "Can't you at least teach us like the words and the had movement? Please?"  
  
"It won't do any good," replied Dumbledore.  
  
"Aw.c'mon. Have a heart," whined Rachel.  
  
"Or else," growled Michelle, raising a fist and adjusting her feet to a fighting stance.  
  
"Don't be so immature," scolded Angeline.  
  
"Huh?" Michelle looked slightly dazed for a minute. Then, shaking her head, she said, "Sorry."  
  
"Old habits are hard to break," giggled Victoria.  
  
"Shut up," snapped Michelle, turning on the smaller girl.  
  
"Bully," snorted Rachel. It was an old joke, with a history behind it.  
  
"What?" laughed Sarah. She didn't know what Rachel meant. She hadn't been there when the joke was created.  
  
"It's a long story," explained Rachel.  
  
"And we don't have time for long stories," Dumbledore interrupted. "You have to be on the train in five minutes. Before the platform closes. Now, come on."  
  
"Oh. Cool," said Rachel.  
  
"Well? What are you waiting for?" demanded Victoria. "Come on."  
  
Shrugging, Rachel followed her, expecting someone to leap out from behind something at any time, screaming, "You're on Candid Camera!"  
  
But no one did, so feeling like complete idiots, the rest of the group trooped after them.  
  
"Now, run through this wall," instructed Dumbledore. Rachel blinked. This was the bit where the person leapt out, scaring half the life out of her, with all their cameras.  
  
"Well? Hurry up," commanded Dumbledore. Taking a deep breath, Harry ran towards the barrier as fast as he could. As he did, Rachel had a sudden burning desire to see him run into it and get a concussion. Luckily Christina couldn't read minds.  
  
Harry disappeared through the wall, without a trace, leaving Christina goggling at the spot where he had been a second ago.  
  
"No!" she wailed. "My beloved! Come back!"  
  
"I take it you would like to go next," said Dumbledore, staring at the girl who was nearly hysterical in her panic.  
  
"I'll go with her," offered Victoria.  
  
"Me too," said Angeline, doing the mathematical calculations and deciding that it would not be a pretty sight if Christina managed to get to the other side without any restraint.  
  
"I don't want to go," wailed Vanessa, waving her hands in the air. "No! I want to go back to school to do the maths test!"  
  
"Don't be stupid," snapped Rachel. "Would you rather go to Hogwarts or return to school just for an annoying test?"  
  
Then, catching the looks on her friend's faces, she grimaced. She knew the answer already.  
  
"I would rather go back to school to do my wonderful tests!" replied Vanessa, her chin sticking forward *stubbornly*. (sorry, Vanessa, but you are stubborn).  
  
"Wonderful--- Are you hearing this?" Rachel gaped at her friend. "You maniac! You freak! You crazy, mutant---"  
  
"I'm sure that's enough," Dumbledore interrupted, his eyes overly bright. "You may go now," he nodded to Christina.  
  
"Woah. Not so fast," said Angeline, grabbing hold of the girl. "I'm coming with you."  
  
"Me too," added Victoria, deciding that anything would be better than spending a few more seconds on the side of the barrier that Vanessa was on. Her friend was scowling and looking like black thunder.  
  
"Funiculous!" yelled Vanessa, waving her hands around, and trying to remember the proper spell for warts.  
  
"Huh? Bless you," said Rachel, putting it down to the cold weather.  
  
"Hey! What about me?" whined Michelle, starting after the three girls. "I wanna go, too!"  
  
"Well then hurry up," snapped Angeline, tossing her hair and not stopping. Panting heavily, Michelle caught up with them just as they reached the barrier. She was so taken up with trying to catch up that she didn't notice that she had missed the place, which she was meant to pass through. There was a dull thuck as her head made contact with the marble.  
  
"Ooh.my head," said Michelle, her eyes going crossed. Then, spotting a certain tall, redheaded male, she forgot her forehead completely, as she ran forward, ignoring her friends.  
  
"H-h-hi, P-P-Percy!" she squealed, eyes wide with excitement. "My name's Michelle!"  
  
Percy froze, turning around slowly. Victoria could see his lips moving in a silent prayer.  
  
"How are you?" squeaked Michelle.  
  
"I.am.fine." Percy stared at the crazy, mixed up girl who was greeting him with such gusto.  
  
"You know, you might want to get that speech defect looked at," chattered Michelle.  
  
"What.speech.defect.?" asked Percy.  
  
"I think he has a mental illness," said Victoria.  
  
"I think he's freaked out by Michelle," said Rachel.  
  
"He is not, you stupid morons!" shouted Michelle, shifting her feet to a fighting stance. "You sure wanna die, don't you?"  
  
Percy gaped at her.  
  
"Uh.no, not really," replied Rachel, offhandedly.  
  
"Don't be stupid," said Victoria.  
  
"Don't be suicidal," warned Rachel, who had been attacked by the certain vicious student before, and still bore the bruises of the battle.  
  
Michelle was grinning evilly now, and cracking her knuckles.  
  
"Uh.I'll.be.going.now." said Percy.  
  
"No! My love!" wailed Michelle, flinging her arms out dramatically.  
  
"???" asked Percy's face.  
  
"Never mind her. Run while you still have a life," said Rachel.  
  
"Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" sobbed Michelle, taking off after the youth, who had disappeared through the barrier in a sudden cloud of red hair. She sped through the barrier, crashing into Christina, who was staring at Harry, who was staring at Cho, who was staring at Cedric, who was staring at Angeline, who was staring at Oliver, who was staring at Katie (Bell) who was staring at Roger, who was staring at Hermione, who was staring at Ron, who was staring at Christina, but they were now all staring at Michelle, who was still staring after Percy, who was now nothing more than a small, distant figure, with a bright red head.  
  
"Aw." sighed Michelle, her shoulders drooping dejectedly. Rachel came crashing through the barrier, slamming into Michelle, who hit Christina in her rage, who slapped Harry in her fear, who kicked Cho in his surprise, who headbutted Cedric, in her shock, who punched Angeline, in his pain, who swore at Oliver in her wrath, who stepped on Katie's foot in his horror, who screamed at Roger in her sorrow, who jammed his thumb in Hermione's eye, in his startled state, who fell into Ron's arms in a dead faint, who crumpled against Christina in his exhaustion.  
  
"Oops," said Rachel. Then, hearing the sound of footsteps, she swung around and leaped out of the way, just in time to avoid having another chain reaction with Victoria.  
  
"Hey! I kept yelling and yelling for you to come back, but you didn't, so I decided to." she broke off abruptly, looking around her in shock. Slowly, her lower jaw sank down to her knees. "Wow," she whispered. "We're on Platform 9 ¾."  
  
*  
  
Well that's the end of chapter 3. Did ya like it? I hope you did. I really, really, need your feedback, because my friends have been giving me assorted opinions on what I'm writing. I need some sane information, that's in English. Angeline speaks Swahili when discussing topics. So, please, please, please review. 


	4. On the train

Chapter 4  
  
Did you like the last chapter? My friends had a very mixed debate on the chain reaction stuff- Michelle said it was stupid, while Christina was laughing the whole time. So, yeah. I hope you like my next chapter.  
  
"Gee, this is so cool," said Victoria, biting into another pumpkin pasty. "I still think we're dreaming," replied Vanessa, sullenly. She was still annoyed with Rachel and Leanne, so she refused to say anything decent to either of them. "Oh, dry up, Vanessa," snapped Rachel, who was heartily sick of Vanessa's evil eye. "Why don't you?" shouted Vanessa, leaping up all of a sudden. "You're always telling me to shut up---" "I didn't tell you to shut up," replied Rachel. "I told you to dry up. Go join the Sahara Desert." Christina burst out laughing, whilst Vanessa glowered at her darkly. "What?" said Rachel, looking around in surprise. "I only told her to dry up." "Don't be so mean, Rachel," scolded Angeline. "Hey look!" gasped Christina. "There's Harry!" "And Draco," added Stephanie. "And they're.duelling!" squeaked Michelle. Something inside her muddled mind clicked, and she leapt into action. "Chaaaaaaaaaarge!" she roared, dashing to the door. She smashed through the glass, to the horror of her friends, and began attacking the two boys, viciously. BIFF BAFF BOFF! Her fists flew, knocking several innocent bystanders unconscious. "Michelle!" screamed Christina, rushing to Harry's aid. "No! You'll break his glasses! The glass on them will cut his face and he'll be.UGLY!" she gasped the last word, before tearing off the startled boy's glasses. "Hey! I need my glasses!" cried Harry, grabbing for the stolen items. "No! You don't want the glass on them to shatter, because then the." she paused, trying to think of a suitable word. "Shards?" Rachel suggested. "Shards?" Christina looked confused. "Uh.what are." "Shards: A fragment. Especially of broken earthenware," said Angeline, automatically. "No.it can be used for glass and stuff too," Rachel protested, frowning. "I know," shrugged Angeline. "But I was just repeating it from the MegaLex Macquarie Concise Dictionary." "Uh." Rachel blinked. "You mean the one on our laptops?" "Yes! What else?" snapped Angeline, turning to Christina. However, before she could say anything, someone beat her to it. "Harry!" shrieked Hermione, leaping down beside him and shoving Christina aside. "Harry, are you alright?" "What happened?" asked Ron, crouching beside Hermione. "Harry?" "My.glasses," moaned Harry, his hands still reaching out for the spectacles in Christina's hands. "I need my glasses. I can't see a thing." "Oof!" shrieked Christina, from the floor. "You pushed me! Oh, my back!" "Giggle giggle snort snort," muttered Rachel, under her breath. "What was that?" laughed Angeline. "Give him the glasses, you awful beast!" cried Hermione, snatching at the glasses in Christina's hands. "Ow!" whined Christina. "You're hurting me! Get off!" she beat the other girl's bushy head until it disappeared from view. "Hermione!" said Ron, helping the girl up. Then, looking around, he gaped at the six girls who were all wearing identical clothing. "What on earth are you wearing?" he asked. "Our school uniform!" replied Vanessa, proudly. "Our old school uniform," corrected Rachel. "What school would make girls wear ties?" demanded Ron. "Our school," snapped Vanessa. "Our old school," snapped Rachel. "Got a problem with that?" growled Michelle, turning away from the terrified onlookers. She approached Ron, a dangerous look in her eye. "N-n-n-no," squeaked Ron, cowering on the floor. "Umm.hello," said Harry. "I need my glasses." "Give him the glasses, Christina," said Angeline. "Michelle's not going to bash his face in." Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Let me rephrase that," said Angeline. "I don't think Michelle's going to bash his face in." The other eyebrow went up, and the mouth opened. "You don't think?" gasped Rachel. "I don't believe this! Michelle's not gonna kill Harry and Angeline doesn't think! What is Venus coming to?" "We live on planet earth," Stephanie whispered in her friend's ear. "Oh whatever," said Rachel, rolling her eyes. "It was a joke." Sarah and the rest of the Pymble girls appeared in the doorway of another carriage, looking shocked. "What---" began Sarah, but decided she did not want to know. Angeline snatched the glasses from Christina's hands, and threw them to Hermione. "Here," she said. The other girl took them, and without a word, shoved them firmly back on Harry's nose. "Thanks, Herm," said Harry, grinning at her gratefully. "Ahem," said Christina. "Aren't you going to thank me? The person who---" "Stole his glasses?" asked Hermione, glaring at her scathingly. "I did not steal them!" screamed Christina, trying to get up, and ending up sitting like a frog. "She confiscated them," said Rachel. "Confis---" began Christina. "Confiscated: to seize as if by authority; appropriate summarily," said Angeline. "I know what confiscated means!" snapped Hermione. "She wasn't saying it for you," said Rachel, rolling her eyes. "She was saying it for Christina." A mouthful of lemons could not have made Hermione's look more sour. She raised her wand, to shout a hex, but before the words even reached her lips, they froze, stuck in her throat. For in the doorway of the adjoining carriage, a professor stood, his arms crossed across his chest, and 'DISAPPROVAL' written across his face in bright red texta.  
  
* Hmm.dodgy cliffhanger again. Ah.well. I'll never be able to write sufficient endings. Sniff sniff. *wipes tear from eye* Stuff that, though. I'll get better.I hope. So keep reviewing, and.yeah. 


	5. Blinded by Perfume

Chapter 5  
  
Hey, hey! I'm back! .Although I didn't go anywhere, so.did I go anywhere? Well, if I did, you won't want to know where, because going to Chatswood every day isn't too interesting, and neither is looking for furniture with my aunt.so, yeah. Don't worry about little ol' me. Just.*sniff*.keep.*sob*.reading.  
  
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"Right, detention for you," said the professor, pointing at Hermione, who was still holding her wand over her head like a savage. "WHAT? BUT I'VE NEVER GOTTEN DETENTION BEFORE!" shrieked the girl, whose hair looked like a giant tumbleweed. "And detention for you," added the professor, jerking his thumb at the girl who was practising her kickboxing on a total stranger. "Oh yeah?" growled Michelle, circling the professor like a professional boxer.which she probably was.hmm. Something to ponder on a rainy day. "Uh." the professor wiped a drop of sweat off his forehead. "If you stop kicking that boy, then I'll let you go." "Grr." Michelle began rolling up the sleeves of her white shirt. "No! That's improper school uniform!" shouted Vanessa, pointing an accusing finger at the girl, who looked flabbergasted at the interruption. "So?" Rachel scowled. Then, to Michelle. "Keep your eyes on his left foot! He'll kick you if you're not careful!" "What are you doing?" hissed Angeline, shoving her 'friend' in the side. "He'll give you detention, too." Rachel was not fazed. "When it comes to betting, you want to be on the winning side," she replied, as Michelle began knocking the professor's head back like a punching bag. "And I've got my money on Michelle, if it comes to fighting." "Ugh!" Angeline slapped her on the arm. Hard. "Ow." said Rachel, holding her sore arm. "That hurt." "You wanna fight?" Michelle had finally remembered the line that she was supposed to ask. However, it might have been a little late, because the professor was already lying on the floor, spread-eagled, and unconscious. The texta on his forehead was smudged, probably by Michelle's rabbit punches, which continued to rain down on the unconscious man, like acid rain, which squashed his features. "Michelle, I think it's a bit late to ask that." Rachel chewed her thumbnail, as she debated on whether to stop the girl with the manic smile on her face. "Yeah? You wanna fight, too?" Michelle laid a punch on the man's still face, and a loud 'snap' was heard by all the witnesses. No one would have any trouble keeping their mouths shut when the culprit was demanded on them. "Michelle! You'll be sent to Azkaban!" shrieked Christina. "No she won't," replied Rachel, reasonably. "Because Azkaban is for dudes who use illegal magic. I don't think there was anything magical about what Squishy just did." "That's not my name!" screeched Michelle, leaping up and charging the startled schoolgirl. "I didn't say it was you!" cried Rachel, leaping aside just in time to avoid being plowed down by the crazed student. Looking around quickly, she grabbed the nearest thing to her and held it towards Michelle threateningly. "Don't make me do this," she said, grabbing the nozzle, and placing her finger over the button. "Huh?" Michelle took an uncertain step forward, and got a faceful of perfume. "Eek!" she squeaked, trying to rub the strong smelling stuff off her face. "It's.feminine!" "Oops," Rachel looked at the heart shaped bottle, reading, "A truly tender feminine scent, touched by roses and tickled by violets. Oh. Sorry, Michelle." "Now people will think I'm girly!" Michelle shrieked. Her eyes were red, from the perfume in it or the rage inside, Rachel was unsure. But whatever it was, it didn't look too nice. "I said sorry." "Rachel!" gasped Angeline, grabbing the bottle from her fellow student. She spun it round, looking for the ingredients. "What are you doing?" Rachel looked confused. "Looking for the ingredients, of course!" snapped Angeline. "Oh. Wouldn't it be easier to just soak a towel and let her wipe her eyes with it? I always heard that if you get poison in your eyes, you should flush it with water. I think that means she should clean her eyes with water." "No! Don't make her better!" screamed Christina, looking horrified. "She'll kill us!" and with that, she disappeared into the nearest compartment with a squeak, before barricading the door. "True, you know," said Rachel, looking thoughtful. "A blind rhino is better than a rhino that can see." "Are you saying that I'm a rhino?" growled Michelle. "No. Rhinos are smaller and more peaceful than you, Godzilla," replied Rachel. "What's Christina doing?" Vanessa glanced at the girl who was piling luggage in front of the door furiously, pausing every few seconds to complain of her aching back. "Uh.Christina! What are you doing?" Victoria walked over to the glass door of the compartment, to see what the wussy girl was doing. "Barricading the door!" Christina gave a triumphant cackle as she put a huge, bronze cauldron onto a slimmer package, which looked strangely enough, like a broomstick. A Firebolt, to be exact. And when the cauldron was put onto it, it made a noise like a Firebolt snapping, too. "My broomstick!" howled Malfoy, beating the door with his puny, pallor fists. "Oh go away, you person who was so mean to Harry!" snapped Christina, jumping into the cauldron to force it back onto the broomstick. Suddenly, there was a loud hissing noise, and the girl leapt out of the cauldron like the bottom of it was burning. And it was. A few seconds later, there was a blazing inferno roaring out of the cauldron, and grey smoke slowly filled the compartment. "Ew! It stinks!" complained Christina, waving her hand in front of her nose. "How'd it catch fire?" cried Victoria, shocked. "What happened?" Stephanie gaped at the awful spectacle that was slowly unfolding, in front of her very eyes. "Oh no!" gasped Harry. "That's my cauldron! I spent fifty galleons on it, because once the bottom of it makes contact with wood, the wood will instantly begin to burn, starting up the cauldron!" "Fifty galleons?" screeched Ron and Hermione in unison. "You could have spent it on a holiday for house Elves!" cried Hermione, and at the same time, Ron was howling, "You could have spent it on the extra dung bombs we needed to complete our raid on Percy!" "Not my beloved Percy!" wailed Michelle. "don't hurt Percy!" "Eek! It's burning!" sobbed Christina, as the smoke began to choke her. "Quickly, clean Michelle's eyes with water!" said Angeline. "Before she goes blind!" "I won't be able to get on the Quidditch Team now," moaned Malfoy. "My Firebolt!" "I can't believe you, Harry, you selfish prick!" said Hermione. "My ears hurt," complained Stephanie, clamping her hands over her ears. "Christina's gonna die! Can you believe this?" a grin too big for the girl's face was beginning to stretch across Victoria's face. "No more, 'That's so stupid!' ten minutes after the jokes are finished, no loud screaming or vulgar jokes." "I knew we should have gone back to Pymble the instant we got here, but no. You never listen to me," Vanessa was saying. "My dad's gonna kill me if I don't get on the Quidditch team!" wailed Malfoy. "Shut up, you stupid little albino!" snapped Rachel. "It's your cursed broom that started the fire!" "It smells so bad!" said Christina, pinching her nose between her thumb and index finger, in an attempt to block out the smell of burning wood. "Michelle, unless you want to lose your sight, I really think you should rinse your eyes," said Angeline. "How dare you call me an albino!" roared Malfoy, even though he had absolutely no idea in his little mind what albino meant. It just sounded insulting, and to him, anything that sounded insulting was insulting. He decided that he would beat up the girl, who was two years younger than him, and still as tall as him. Just like he had beaten up the Slytherin who had called him a 'hunky looker'. Whatever that meant. Ah well. The person had never bothered him again. "I'll get you for that!" he said, lowering his head and charging at Rachel like a bull gone mad. For the second time that day, Rachel was forced to leap aside, to avoid being trampled by a mad beast. However, this time she was not so lucky, and fell onto a certain bad tempered tabby. The evil cat was in a particularly foul mood today, and it spat and hissed, slashing at the girl who was sitting on it. Crookshank's claws barely missed Rachel's tartan tunic, instead slicing through thin air. Well, the air wasn't exactly thin, though, as it was thick with screams and howls of rage. "Hey! This tunic costs like.two hundred dollars!" cried Rachel, furious. "Huh? Where'd she go?" Malfoy looked around quickly, then seeing the girl who was lying on a tabby cat, his temper was whittled away. He didn't want to risk getting scratched by that cat. So, slinking off, he decided to ambush her later. "This smoke is choking me!" gasped Christina, drawing in a quick breath. Then, she began coughing and wheezing. "Don't breathe in the smoke!" warned Stephanie. "Why?" Victoria looked at her friend. "Because it might be poisonous, and she might die," explained Stephanie. Victoria paused for a minute, frowning. Then, a smile bigger than a dinosaur leaped onto her face, and she laughed. "Go on, Christina!" she said. "Breathe it in! Breathe it all in! Pretend it's drugs or something. Whatever you like! Just sniff it all into those lungs!" "But it smells terrible," sighed Christina, obeying the evil little girl. "Stop, Christina! Don't listen to her!" cried Stephanie. "She wants to kill you!" "Quiet, Stephanie!" snapped Victoria. "Do you want to listen to bawdy jokes for the rest of your life in year seven?" "You guys are only in year seven?" screeched Harry. "Yes," replied Stephanie. "All of us." "Even her? And her?" Harry stared at Victoria, then at Stephanie. The height difference was quite shocking. And Rachel was even taller than both of them. "Ngh! Take that, you evil creature!" cackled Rachel, jamming her elbow into the cat's ribs. "Reow!" the cat retaliated by swiping the girl's face. "Ow! That hurt!" cried Rachel, her hand flying up to her slashed face. "How dare you! You'll die for that, kitty!" "Even the lion tamer?" Ron stared at the mortal combat between girl and cat. "What lion---Crookshanks!" cried Hermione, leaping to the cat's aid. "Michelle, you really have to wash your eyes," said Angeline. "Please." Michelle raised her head higher and sniffed. "Mm. What's cooking?" "What do you mean, what's.OH NO! CHRISTINA!" Angeline pressed her face to the glass of the compartment, her eyes unable to take it what was happening. The girl inside was taking deep breaths of the poisonous gases that were being emitted by the cauldron. "Christina!"  
  
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Heh, heh. Cackle. So.will Rachel win her battle against the cat from hell? Will Squishy (only kidding) Michelle ever regain her sight? Will Malfoy get on the Qudditch Team anyway? And will Christina defeat the evil Victoria, and live? If you really want to find out what happens next, I suggest to start REVIEWING! NOW! Thank you. ( 


	6. Harry Potter, the druglord

Chapter 6  
  
"Stop breathing the smoke!" screamed Angeline. "you'll die!" "That's the whole point," whispered Stephanie. "Victoria." "She's been breathing the smoke, too!" snapped Angeline. There was a sudden scream from the corner of the room, before a cacophony of hissing and spitting erupted, followed by a long, dragging cat wail, which sounded suspiciously enough like a cat meowing as it was thrown. Then, there was a smashing of glass, as the cat crashed through the glass of the door of the compartment Christina was in. (lots of 'of's', huh?). "Crookshanks!" wailed Hermione. "Climb out, Christina!" shouted Angeline. "No!" moaned Victoria. She beat the glass door of the compartment with her fists. "I almost got rid of her! Keep breathing the smoke, Christina!" Angeline quickly helped her friend out, who had been rooted to the spot, staring at the unconscious cat. That was.if it was still unconscious. And I don't mean that if it wasn't unconscious, it would be conscious. Even though something that wasn't unconscious should be conscious. Unless, of course, it is dead, which poor Crookshanks probably was, after being hit in the head with a name badge several times, before being stabbed by the pin of a name badge another few times, before being thrown through a glass window. Would you be alive? "What's wrong with Victoria?" Angeline asked Stephanie. "I know Christina wasn't really her favourite person, but they weren't enemies, either. I mean, I think they were friends." "Harry, was this really your cauldron?" asked Rachel, sniffing the smoke coming from the cauldron. "Yes. Why?" Harry scowled at the girl. "Tut, tut, tut, Harry," said Rachel, wagging her finger at him. "What?" "Because, unless I'm mistaken, that's the distinct smell of some kind of drug, or another. That's why Victoria went crazy. Well. Crazier than she usually is. If that's possible," Rachel looked thoughtful for a minute. "Nah. I don't think it's possible." "Huh?" Victoria was still groggy from sniffing the smoke of the drug. Christina giggled, squealing, "Harry, my Love!" "Shut up, Christina. Your boyfriend-to-be is dirty. He's been doing drugs," replied Rachel. Christina simply giggled. She was high after inhaling so much of the drug, and nothing bothered her. "Aghr!" Harry bent over, trying to tear his hair out with his hands. "Here," said Christina, handing him a pair of scissors. Who knew where she had gotten them from? "What?" Harry glared at her. "You killed my owl." "And you killed my cat," added Hermione, scowling at Rachel. "And you've been doing drugs," said Rachel, grinning at Harry. "Oh, alright, alright! Sirius said that it would help me with my studies!" Harry sat down, and soon heart-wrenching sobs began tearing from his throat. "Don't worry, Harry," Christina crouched down beside him, still giggling like the maniac she was. (somehow I doubt I'm going to live long enough to reach Yr7, after this story). "My.owl.Hedwig. She was everything to---" There was a sudden rapping at the window of the burning compartment, and Harry glanced up sharply. When he did so, a smile lit his hideous features like a fire. (sorry, Christina). "HEDWIG!" he bellowed, getting up. With a wave of his wand, the glass on the window of the compartment disappeared, and the owl tumbled in. However, before Harry could reach her, Hedwig had fallen onto the ground, after inhaling the deadly fumes of the drug, and was lying still on the ground, beside Crookshanks. "No!" cried Harry, looking horrified. "Hedwig!" "Here. Allow me," Rachel, who was grinning like an idiot came up beside him, and snatched the wand from his limp hands. Raising it, she shouted, "Accio Hedwig!" "You crazy girl!" screamed Harry, trying to wrestle the wand from her hands. "Give that to me! You don't even know how to do magic! You've never even gone to Hogwarts!" "Let go of me, you idiotic, imbecilic, defective, mental institutional, drug dealing, bias, moronic---" Rachel was screaming. "Huh?" Harry paused for a second, not understanding what the girl had meant. "End it, Rachel," groaned Michelle. "You're losing the effect." "OK- Hideous, four-eyed druglord!" Rachel ended her string of insults, adding further physical insult by poking Harry in the face with the end of his wand as she did so. Huge boils began lancing out on the boy's face, and soon he was almost unrecognisable under the carpet of curses. "Give it back!" shouted Harry, snatching for the wand again. Eager to stand up for her beloved, Christina whined, "Yeah. Give it back, Rachel." "Shuddup," said Rachel, pulling the wand back. Hedwig flew threw the window, smashing into Harry's nose and breaking his glasses. "There ya go, four eyes," grinned Rachel.  
  
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Enough chaos? Nah.I can do better. If you review. Thanks to everyone who reviewed so far, so.yeah. 


	7. An unexpected Visit

Chapter 7  
  
Is not! Is too!  
  
Okay, before I continue, I'd just like to say that my friend, Michelle, came up with the idea of chucking Arty and Elspeth in. If you want to read some more of her hare-brained ideas, go to Search and set it to Author. Her fanfic name is Silver Frost. Feel free to send any flames to her. Heh heh heh.  
  
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"Hey, cool! I think that's---" began Rachel. "Butler." said the boy, in an Irish accent. "Now do you understand why you must never touch the red button?" "Yes, sir," sighed the giant, bowing his head, humbly. Hagrid had met his match. "Fowl, if this is one of your tricks---" growled one of the little.people. "I told you he couldn't be trusted, commander," said the other. "Amazing! Fowl, I believe you have led us to another land through your computer! I never knew that Mud Men had such advanced technology!" exclaimed the centaur. All five newcomers got up, dusting their clothing off. Rachel was not surprised to see that Butler had created a rather large, rather permanent dent in the bottom of the train. In fact, she could even see the ground if she leaned over to look at the hole. "Who are you?" cried Angeline, stepping back. "This is not logical! How can five people---" "Two, actually," said Rachel. "What do you mean? That's not logical, either! I see five figures before me, and you mean to say that there are only two?" shrieked Angeline. "Artemis and Butler are the only humans here," explained the other girl. "Artemis? Butler?" exclaimed Angeline. "You know. Artemis Fowl? The criminal mastermind. And Butler, his bodyguard?" Rachel stared expectantly at her friend. "Honestly! And you're meant to be the genius! Man, I feel so good about my IQ, now. I seriously think there's a chance for me." "That's because I don't spend hours reading storybooks!" snapped Angeline. "'Storybooks' are sometimes based on facts. Haven't you ever heard of Science Fiction? Ugh!" Rachel muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously enough, like 'stupid idiot'. However, there wasn't any time to wonder about that comment, because the next second, another figure crashed through the roof. "Who's that, then, Book Worm?" demanded Angeline. "Uh.Elspeth, right? From the Obernewtyn Chronicles!" Rachel smirked, her ego bouncing up about fifty points. "Ha! See? I'm smarter than you! Hahahahahahaha!" Her supposed 'friends' stared at her. Victoria tapped the side of her head, looking at Stephanie. "Huh?" "Never mind, o dimwitted one," replied Rachel, regaining the remaining shreds of her composure. "This is a matter of the wise." "And the insane," added Michelle, staring pointedly at Rachel. "Yes, yes. If you want to join the club, I know you have to add your own points, but please. Don't make yourself sound like a total loser," said Rachel, offhandedly. Then, she turned to Elspeth. "You are Elspeth, right?" When the woman simply nodded dumbly, she turned to the others and crowed, "I am a genius! I am a mind reader! I am---" "An idiot," muttered Angeline, under her breath. "Aw shuddup," snapped Rachel. "You're just jealous because I possess an absolutely incredible ability that you can only dream about. Well, dreaming's gonna be kinda hard for you too, because you don't have this ability." "And what would this ability be?" snorted Angeline. "Going mad?" giggled Michelle. "No. Thinking. I have a brain," said Rachel, smugly. "So do I." "D'ya use it?" Rachel frowned. This insult was not hurting its victim. What was going wrong? "Yes." "Well.it.it doesn't show!" crowed Rachel. This was her trump card! Her last resort! Her--- "Then you're blind." "But.aghr! You stupid---" "I'm not stupid." "FREAK! FREAK! FREAK! YOU FREAKY, GEEKY.uh.FREAK!" "That's a very limited vocabulary you've got there." "You starry-eyed, brain-washed, smitten FREAK!" shrieked Rachel. "There's that word again." Rachel looked down at her hands in defeat, then slowly lifted her gaze again. The furious look on her face was gone, replaced by a sly smile. "Oh Angeline," she sang, softly, malice glittering in her dark eyes. "What was that you said about being blind?" "I said that you were blind," replied Angeline, apparently unaware of the danger she was in. Then, glancing at Michelle, she smiled, deciding to make a joke. "You must be as blind as Michelle then, if you can't see that I use my brain." Michelle glowered at her. "Yes.and how exactly did she go blind?" "Blind? I'm going to go blind? I didn't know! I don't wanna go blind!" shrieked Michelle, waving her hands in the air and beginning to run around in circles. "The perfu---" Angeline froze, as she caught on. "Don't you dare," she said, backing away. "Don't you dare." "To spray or not to spray?" grinned Rachel, her smile strangely resembling a vampire's. Artemis looked quite shocked. "That is my facial expression!" he exclaimed, indignantly. "Butler?" The huge manservant took a menacing step forward, and Rachel lifted the perfume bottle up. "There's plenty to go round," she said. "Wanna smell like a." she read the side of the bottle. "Flowerbed for the next two days?" "Two days?" screeched Michelle. "Two bloody, freaking days?" "Shut up, Michelle. I can always make you smell worse," snapped Rachel. Then, she grinned. "Or better." "No! I'll be good," Michelle cowered down, away from the bottle. Butler took one look at the pink, heart-shaped bottle and followed suite, crouching beside his astonished charge. "Butler! It's only perfume!" he said. "Simply oils and scents mixed together!" Butler began to get up. "Flowery scents!" added Rachel. "Roses! Violets! Heck, maybe even camellias! Flowers assorted, it's all in here." Butler crouched back down. Artemis's eyes grew wider. "You have grenades! Throw them!" he shouted. "He can't, stupid," snorted Rachel. "We're in a train. He throws a grenade, he'll blow us all off to the nearest planet and further. Your legs will end up in Mars, Fowl, you little chicken, while your arms manage to land on both Pluto and Saturn. You want him to throw that grenade now?" Artemis Fowl Junior looked shocked. Why hadn't he thought of that? Something was draining his mind! No! Impossible! This couldn't be! "Noooooo!" he wailed, thin fingers covering his eyes. "This is not happening! I am just dreaming! Any second now, you will all disappear!" "One," said Rachel, looking at her watch. Artemis suddenly caught sight of the timepiece through his bony fingers, which couldn't quite cover his wide eyes. "Hey.what kind of watch is that?" he asked, taking his hands away from his face, to investigate the watch. "It's a---" began Rachel, proudly. Then, she frowned and paused, eyes flicking to her watch screen. Holding it up to her face, she read it. "Casio. Cheap." "I didn't know they made that model," said Artemis. Then, he froze, suddenly aware of what he had just said. "Let me rephrase that. I was unaware that they made them with such colours mixed. Aqua and black?" "Oh. That's cuz the original band broke. So I had to get a new one. I mean like, seriously! They should make watch bands last long as the watch itself!" Rachel scowled. "Exactly! I had the same problem with my Rolex, only they replaced it with a band that was a complete different colour to my watch face! Are they stupid or something?" Artemis shook his head, sadly. "Where did you have it replaced?" an evil grin was tugging at the corners of Rachel's mouth. "In Ireland, of---" the boy stopped talking to glare at Rachel, who was now unable to stop the smile, which was spreading from her face onto Michelle's, onto Angeline's.etc. "That's not funny," he said, darkly. The smile was lingering on Victoria's face, as she waited to pass it on to Christina. The other girl just stared at her blankly, before moving on to grab Harry, as if he were a China Doll. "Huh?" asked Harry. "Don't let them infect you," she wailed. "You're the only person who'll---" Harry was suddenly wrenched from her grip, causing him to cry out in pain, and Christina to scream in shock. "No!" she cried. "Give him back, you meanie poo!" Hermione looked quite shocked. "Meanie poo?" "Ngh! I want him back!" Christina tugged harder at the boy, who was now caught in Hermione's arms. "Never! He's mine!" "Is not!" "Is too!" "Is not!" "Is too!" "Is not!" "Is too!" And so the battle waged back and forth, as the helpless boy was tossed mercilessly between the jealous females. "Humph! It's always Harry who gets the girls!" Ron glowered at Victoria, as if it was her fault. "Don't you give me that look, you---" Victoria paused, trying to think of a suitable word. "Egotistic cretin?" suggested Rachel. "Insubordinate geek?" offered Artemis. "Self-pitying idiot?" Angeline looked at Victoria. "Huh?" Victoria scratched her head, even more lost for words. The three sighed, shaking their heads sadly. "I pity thee," sighed Rachel.  
  
"Is not!" "Is too!" "Is not!" "Is too!" A few threads of the battle floated through the train, sounding through empty corridors, as if there were lost spirits walking the halls. They bounced off the walls, bringing more voices to echo their eerie cry. "Is not!" "Is too!" "Is not!" The sounds of the battle slid under doors, wrapping their words around the ears of all unfortunates who happened to be in that carriage. Their velocity made any speech impossible to comprehend, and their verocity was choking. It stuck to the listener's ears like.PVA glue, poisoning the mind, and shutting down the system. "Is too!" "Is not!" Oh the fierceness. It burned like a flame. Oh the hate. It stung like a hornet. Oh the pointlessness. It annoyed like my brother.  
  
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Say.what did you think of that? By the way, Elspeth, Artemis, Butler, Holly, Root and Foaly aren't mine. Elspeth belongs to Isobelle Carmody, and Artemis Fowl and co belong to Eoin Colfer. Harry n his gang belong to J K Rowling, as anyone with a brain would know that, so yeah. My friends and I.hang on. My 'friends' and I (sorry).well I doubt very much that we're in another story, so.whatever. Just.review. OK? Deal? Review. Cool. 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
  
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"SHUT UP!" shouted Holly, raising herself up to her full 99cm in height. Her voice was impressive, and it rang through the train like a bell, but her height.Rachel was probably three heads taller than her. "Wow. Our school needs some teachers with your voice," said Rachel, bending down so she could see the elf better. "6'OH wouldn't stand a chance." "What?" Holly lowered her voice, looking up at the human. "Mud Girls, too?" "Hey, I object!" Rachel and several of her friends scowled. "At least I don't shower in bubbling green slime, elf," sniffed Rachel. Then she gagged. "Michelle, come here." Her friend obliged, coming to stand next to her. "Why?" was her question. Rachel breathed. "Holly stinks. At least you smell like flowers assorted, now," explained Rachel. "Hey!" cried Holly and Michelle in unison. "I don't smell!" "Course ya do," shrugged Rachel. Artemis sniffed and wrinkled his nose delicately. "Now that you mention it." he began. "Holly, you do smell bad." "Fowl." growled Holly. "Now, now, Holly. It's not your fault that you stink," said Rachel. "It's your fault that you take baths in slime." "Is there a difference?" Holly didn't seem amused. Rachel thought for a minute. "No," she finally said. "I guess there isn't." "Train arrives in five minutes!" hollered the train driver. "What?" said Elspeth. "What is a train?" "Train: A set of carriages or wagons, whether self-propelled or connected to a locomotive," said Angeline, automatically. "Huh?" Elspeth and Victoria scratched the top of their heads. "What?" "A vehicle," said Artemis. "Formed by a series of carriages joined to each other, and used to transport people and goods to other places," added Rachel. "I knew that!" snapped Artemis Fowl Junior, glaring at her. "I know. I was just telling Elspeth." "Elspeth?" "From Obernewtyn," Rachel rolled her eyes. "Obernewtyn?" the criminal's eyes were lighting up with greed. Rachel knew that look. It was the look that her brother always got on his face whenever there was food around. "Yes! I come from Obernewtyn! How did you know that?" asked Elspeth, looking very confused. "It's hard to read a quartet of books and not recognise the main character," said Rachel. "Quartet?" that was Elspeth. "Quartet: Any group of four people or things," said Angeline. "The Obernewtyn series," said Rachel. "This.Obernewtyn place." said Artemis. "What or where is it, exactly?" "It's a castle in the mountains. They work Misfits there," a tear welled up in the girl's green eyes. "Misfits, you say?" asked Artemis. "Like the slaves in the Nike---" "Forget it, Fowl," snapped Rachel. "There is nothing of value there, and it means very little to---woah!" she fell forward, as the train lurched to a sudden halt. "You'd think that they'd give a warning!" she shouted, from the floor. "At least the drivers for City Rail make an announcement before they stop, and not five minutes before! It's pointless to---" "Hogwarts," breathed Angeline, looking out of the window. "That's Hagrid's shack you're looking at," said Victoria, peering over her shoulder. Angeline went beet red. "I knew that!" snapped Angeline. "Sure you did, Angeline," drawled Rachel. "Sure you did."  
  
* Plz plz plz plz review. I'm begging you! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! *pant, pant, pant. Gasps for breath* Review 


	9. The Sorting...heh heh heh

Chapter 9  
  
Welcome to Hogwarts  
  
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"Righ! Firs years this way!" bellowed an immense giant. "Same with the scholarships!" "That's us," shrugged Victoria, following him. "Victoria!" cried Stephanie, running after her friend. "Wait for me!" "And me!" squeaked Michelle, dashing after them. "Huh? I thought Michelle was blind," said Rachel, scratching her head. "I dunno," shrugged Angeline. "So did I, but blindness doesn't seem to like hanging around her." "Surprise, surprise," muttered Rachel, trudging after the giant. "Surprise, surprise."  
  
In the Great Hall, during Sorting. Victoria wiped her sweaty palms on her tunic, sweat forming on her forehead. "Lui, Victoria!" called the stern-looking woman, on the stage. "Wish me luck," muttered Victoria, stepping up onto the stage. Then, sitting down on the stool, she crossed her fingers, hoping she shouldn't get into Hufflepuff. Hmm.thought the hat. I see some Slytherin in you.yes.and some Gryffindor, too.but no doubt about it, Ravenclaw's the one for you. Ravenclaw! "Yes." hissed Victoria, joining her new House. "Tan, Angeline!" But as Angeline approached the hat, it began shrieking, No! No! Aghr! Get away from me! I cannot stand all these thoughts about math! Noooooooo! Ravenclaw, okay? Ravenclaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Angeline stopped, looking quite surprised. "Okay, then," she said, joining Victoria. Looking bored, the woman yelled, "Khoo, Stephanie!" Stephanie plonked herself onto the stool, watching the Ravenclaw table longingly. Please Ravenclaw, she begged. Please. Hmm.well, I think there's quite a bit of Gryffindor in you.ah yes, and Hufflepuff. Yes, you'll be well-liked in Hufflepuff.but if you insist.Ravenclaw! Joyfully, Stephanie joined her friends at the Ravenclaw table, watching her unsorted friends anxiously. "Tso, Michelle!" Sitting down on the seat, Michelle muttered swear-words under her breath. If you put me in Hufflepuff, you stupid, freaking hat, I'll kill you.she growled in her troubled mind. I'll stick a knife in you, and slash up all your stupid cloth.then, I'll stamp on---  
  
Slytherin! wailed the hat. Slytherin! Slytherin!  
  
"Heh, heh, heh," muttered Michelle, sitting at the table under the green curtain. Next was. "Stevenson, Sarah!" Well, this is an interesting combination.said the hat. There's a nice dose of Hufflepuff in you.a bit of Slytherin.and quite a bit of Ravenclaw, too.but.Gryffindor! Happily, Sarah ran to join her new House. "Yippee." Her friends, Louisa and Amelia soon joined her, grinning. "Yu, Vanessa!" I don't want to go to Hogwarts, said Vanessa. And I won't go to Hogwarts. I won't, I won't, I won't. I don't---  
  
Ravenclaw!  
  
"Noooooo!" whined Vanessa. "I won't---"  
  
She was dragged down from the stage, still wailing. "Hodkinson, Christina!" Hmm.let's see what's in your head.Oh dear.I can't see anything. Hmm.a bit slow, aren't you? Hufflepuff would be perfect.murmured the hat. "No!" screamed Christina. "I have to be with my true love, Harry! Put me in Gryffindor, you.meanie poo!" The hall went quiet. "Or I'll.I'll---" she stopped, thinking. Well, at least, trying to think. "Do whatever Michelle threatened to do to you!" Gryffindor! said the hat. And Christina was usherred away to the Gryffindor table. But, Harry quickly picked up his tray and ran to the other side when she approached, disappearing as if by magic. "No! Come back!" screeched Christina, taking off after him. "My soul My heart! My one desire!" "Get away from me, you crazy maniac!" screamed Harry, tearing around the table. "Come back!" Christina put on an extra burst of speed, throwing herself behind her and grabbing his ankles as she fell. It was a tackle that would have made Ranaldo envious. "Oof," groaned Harry. Christina beamed. Then. "White, Rachel!" Rachel sat down, chewing her lip. Ah.Ravenclaw and Slytherin, hey? Damn you, hat. Don't you dare put me in Hufflepuff. Or Slytherin. And sort me fast! growled Rachel, as had Michelle. Slytherin! said the hat. Rachel could tell it was laughing. "What? Slytherin? You stupid hat! I guess you think it's freaking funny, hey? I wanna be in Ravenclaw, you moronic, brainless thing! You privacy invader! You---" shrieked Rachel, aiming a kick at the lifeless hat. Quickly, Professor Mcgonagall yanked her away, pushing her down the stairs. "Go join your new House!" she said. "Go talk to your friend." "Friend? Friends don't call friends names!" snapped Rachel, storming to the green table. "What friend?" "Fowl, Artemis!" "What?" exclaimed Artemis. "I'm not a wizard! Mathematical, perhaps, but that is just a figure of speech!" "Shall I fix it, Sir?" asked Butler, flexing his massive muscles. "No, never mind, Butler," replied the teenage boy. "I need a cover, don't I?" "Yes," nodded the big man, meekly. "Of course." Artemis carefully ascended the stairs, and as he sat down, making sure that he hadn't creased his expensive trousers, as he did so. Slytherin! said the hat, sounding as bored as the woman. "Talking hats," said Artemis, raising a dark eyebrow. "Fascinating." Then he joined his new table. Elspeth was sorted into Ravenclaw, and soon the sorting had ended. "Draco, Malfoy," said the blonde boy, leaning over to talk to the new members of his house. "What on earth are you all wearing?" "Clothes," snapped Rachel, scathingly. "What are you wearing?" "Do you have a problem with our uniform?" growled Michelle, raising her fists. "Because if you do, I can fix that." "What in the name of Einstein are you wearing?" asked Artemis, looking down his nose at the boy. "Honestly! Have I gone back in time?" His mouth dropping open, Malfoy gaped at the three who had just snubbed him. Him! Draco Malfoy! "You need hair gel," added Rachel. "I mean, your hair is too floppy." "You're ugly," said Michelle, not unkindly. "Really. Are you wearing hose, too?" demanded Artemis, getting started. "Yes, and he's fought dragons too," Rachel rolled her eyes. "And you're meant to be smart!" "I am intelligent," replied Artemis, tartly. "In fact, I am ingenious." "Modest, too." "Now listen here, girl," began Artemis, angrily. "Girl?" screeched Michelle. "Girl? You stupid little piece of---" *this sentence cannot be continued, as it contains a high level of coarse language* "I may be a girl, but I---" "I can tell you're a girl," said Malfoy. "Anyone with a nose could," said Rachel, sliding away from Michelle.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Gryffindor table. "Hi! I'm Hermione Granger!" cried the bushy-haired girl. "What's your name?" "Uh.Sarah," replied the other girl, looking quite shocked at her over- enthusiastic welcome. "Do you like reading?" squeaked Hermione, clapping her hands in glee. "Uh.yes." nodded Sarah. "Do you wanna study with me then?" demanded Hermione, her eyes lighting up in elation. "No. Because you're freaky," replied Sarah, looking quite horrified. She turned around to talk to Amelia. "Aw.I am? Is that a bad thing?" whined Hermione. "I dunno. You decide," shrugged Sarah. "Ok." said Hermione, sounding quite confused. Meanwhile, at the Ravenclaw table.  
  
"Hi, I'm Cho Chang," said the pretty, Asian girl. Angeline ignored her, gazing wistfully at the Teacher's table. Undeterred by her lack of response, Cho Chang continued. "What's your name?" Angeline sighed, her eyes still fixed intently on the figure of Oliver Wood. "Well?" asked Cho Chang. "Oliver Wood," breathed Angeline. Then she gave another sigh. "What a hunk." "What did you say?" Cho gaped at her. Angeline smiled dreamily, her eyes locked on the Student teacher. Suddenly, she realised what she had just said. "Hunk?" she asked herself, straightening. "Hunk? Is that even a real word? Hmm. yes, it is." And she relaxed, slipping back into her daydream. "Oliver's teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts," said Cho, still trying to make conversation with her. Vanessa glowered at her, darkly. Victoria laughed. "Angeline's in love. Angeline's in love." She sang, mockingly. "Idiots," muttered Cho. "I object!" said Angeline, angrily, snapping out of her daze. "We are in Ravenclaw, the smartest house, and I am highly intelligent! That's technically incorrect, you know!" and she proceeded to give Cho a stern, emotional lecture about grammar. "Now you've started her," groaned Stephanie. "You know, that's not correct, either," said Angeline, turning to her. "what is wrong with the grammar of this world?" "Oh dear." sighed Victoria. "Oh dear."  
  
*  
  
I really, really, really want reviews, so I'm begging you, PLEASE review. Hmm.then again.who doesn't want reviews? Brainless twits like Felicity, that's who. Well anyway, I really want reviews, so please please please review. 


	10. 10 (i must have a *seriously* bad memory...

Chapter 10  
  
*  
  
"Here are your dormitories," said the woman, showing the ex-PLC students around the school. "You will all be assigned a person who is to help you around the school." "Harry," begged Christina. "Harry will help me round the school." "Indeed he will," nodded the woman. "Here." She handed them all slips of paper. "Now, this is a program of what you will be doing throughout the week. Enjoy your stay, scholarship students." "Uh.thanks," said Rachel, staring at the paper. She frowned. "Damn it. We've got flying first thing tomorrow." "Cool," grinned Michelle. "What's wrong with that?" "It's with Hufflepuff. We won't see you guys till Transfiguration," explained Rachel. "Oh." nodded her friends. "Well, Ravenclaw's with Gryffindor first, for Potions," shrugged Angeline. "And the majority of us are in those houses. So I guess it works out for the best." Then, under her breath. "Especially without those two maniacs." "My friend," scowled Rachel, her voice venomous. "Come on, Michelle." "Hey, wait!" cried Angeline. "I---" The Slytherin door slammed in her face. "Humph! How rude," sniffed Angeline. "Well, Cho Chang's showing me round the school. So I'm going." "Hip hip, hooray," said a muffled voice, from the other side of the door. Stephanie laughed, as did Victoria. Angeline stopped, making a face. "Shut up, Rachel." Then, turning her back on them, she tossed her hair, and stormed off in a huff. Slowly, the Slytherin door opened, and Rachel's head appeared. "Ah! Michelle killed---" screamed Christina. "Shut up," sighed Rachel. Then she grinned. "Heh, heh, heh. We've got flying with Oliver Wood." "Rachel!" cried Michelle in exasperation. "Huh? I thought he was teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts," said Stephanie. "Apparently, he's also teaching Flying. He's just a temporary for Defence Against the.whatever." Rachel shook her head. "Blaah. My tongue keeps getting twisted." "Like her head," muttered Michelle. If looks could kill, she would have died five times. "And it's mind, you ignorant little twerp," hissed Rachel. "None of you are very fond of each other, are you?" remarked Artemis. "This is a nice place," said Elspeth, looking around in wonder. "Hopscotch with topics," muttered Rachel. "Hopscotch?" asked Elspeth. "I do believe it is a children's game in which they draw chalk boxes on the ground, in which the player must hop through, without touching the lines," said Artemis. "Mm.you would know, after playing it so often," nodded Rachel. Artemis went red. "How did you kn--- I mean, that's preposterous!" spluttered Artemis. "Yeah.sure." Rachel suddenly stopped. "Hey! Where's Root 'n co?" "Don't you mean 'Julius and co?'" asked the boy. "Really. Your grammar is extremely confusing. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that I had jumped through an entire time-frame." "For your information, Count Dracula." growled Rachel. "My grammar is probably better than yours!" "Mm hmm." said Artemis, nonchalantly. "Yes. Of course." "Don't you use that tone of voice with me, you arrogant brat!" Rachel's eyes began taking on a dangerous gleam. "Arrogant?" laughed Artemis. "Arrogant? Butler." his voice trailed off as he realised that his big manservant was nowhere in sight. "Butler, where are you?" "Somewhere not here," said Rachel, smiling. Artemis began to sweat. "Butler? Come here," he said, doing his best to keep his voice steady. Michelle also began smiling evilly. A wicked grin lit her features like a candle in a lantern. "Butler." the teen's voice was growing hoarse, and his eyes began darting around in panic. The girls watched him, with growing amusement. "Sorry to interrupt you all, but Butler is not here," said Dumbledore, suddenly appearing beside Artemis. The boy gave a squeak and leapt back, recovering just in time to stop himself from stepping off the edge. The stairs had moved again, leaving a blank space between Artemis and death. This wasn't right! He, the great criminal mastermind should not die like this! Not when the last sound he had made was an undignified squeak! Artemis hung in mid-air, pin wheeling, his foot searching for a hold that wasn't there. "Help.me." he begged. Now he certainly mustn't die! Not after asking for help! "Idiot," Rachel reached forward, grabbing his wrist and yanking. "Ow," Artemis yelped, falling forward. "Thank you, Rachel," beamed Dumbledore. "Now, Artemis, you are a wizard, and your manservant, Butler, has been sent off the grounds. He has gone back to your mansion, after beating Crabbe and Goyle half to death." "Good on him," said Rachel. "What?" Artemis. "Well, I just wanted to tell you. Have a pleasant education at Hogwarts," and with that, Dumbledore strode off, whistling cheerfully. "I'm a wizard?" asked Artemis, looking shocked. "Naw.y'don't say?" asked Rachel. Once again, the air filled with her sarcastic words. "What did you say?" Artemis gaped at her. "Nothing just that you're a stupid idiot and---" Rachel shoved him back over the edge. "You're ungrateful." "Hey! What are you doing?" screeched Artemis, looking below and feeling sick at the sight of the ground so far below. "Pull me back up!" Rachel lifted one finger off his wrist. "Rachel, are you crazy?" gasped Amelia. "Pull me back up, you crazy person!" said Artemis, trying unsuccessfully to pull himself back onto ground. "Say thank you," another finger. "For what?" Another finger. "Thank you!" cried Artemis. His arm was almost wrenched out of its socket, as he was dragged unceremoniously back up. "You're welcome," drawled Rachel. "I hope you've learned your lesson." "Of course I have! Never stand near moving staircases when there are nutcases near you!" snapped Artemis, ignoring the pun. "Doesn't your arm hurt enough?" asked the girl. The boy ran into his dormitory, screaming. Rachel grinned. "And that, class, is how you get rid of pompous idiots." "Rachel," groaned Victoria. 


	11. Flying Lessons (oh dear)

Chapter 11  
  
The Work of a Slytherin  
  
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"Okay, class. Put your left hand over the broom, and say 'Up'." "Up," chorused the class. Several broomsticks jumped into the air. Rachel, however, was grinning idiotically, and saying, "Up, boy! Come on! Who wants the cookie?" Oliver frowned. "Up," scowled Rachel, sullenly. The broom jumped into her hand. "Hee, hee! Look at the broomstick!" laughed Michelle, in delight. "It jumps!" "The bouncing broomstick," muttered Rachel, darkly. For her, the lesson was ruined. "Now, when I say, you swing one leg over the broomstick, and kick off. One, two, three!" A figure burst from the line of students, crashing into a tree. "You stupid female!" shrieked Draco, from his perch in the oak. "I'll get you for that!" "Then I'll get you back!" snapped Rachel. In her anger, she had kicked the nearest broomstick. And it just happened to be Draco's. "Now, class," smiled Oliver, dreamily. "Calm down." "Deduct house points!" howled Draco. "Give her detention!" "Five points from Slytherin, then," said Oliver. "What?" "I'm in your house, jackass," said Rachel. Artemis grinned. After an encounter with the idiotic blonde boy, in the corridor, he no longer liked him. With a regretful sigh and wave of his wand, Oliver brought Draco back to earth with a thump. "Oof," wheezed Draco. Michelle grinned, moving towards him, and looking not at all friendly. "Never kick a man when he's down," said Artemis, gallantly. Michelle stopped. Draco grinned at him, gratefully. "But this is just a boy, so go on," continued Artemis, with a vampire-like grin. Then, before Oliver could stop her, Michelle had picked up her broom and dealt the boy a heavy blow over the back of his head with it. His blonde head dropped, and he fell, unconscious. "Oops, these brooms are heavy," remarked Oliver. "I suppose we'll have to send him up to Madam Pomfrey's." "I'll take him," said Michelle, a manic grin spreading across her face. "I'll take him," snapped Pansy, grabbing hold of his shoulders and trying, unsuccessfully, to pull him up. "Someone go with her. You, girl. Come and help this girl carry Draco up to Madam Pomfrey's," said Oliver, snapping his fingers at a rather short girl, with a familiar face. "Leanne?" said Rachel. Her friend suddenly saw her and waved. "Oh, hi, Rachel. You're here, too?" asked Leanne. Then, turning, she began dragging Draco across the field with Pansy. "Right, class. Let's start again," said Oliver, nodding in satisfaction as the unconscious boy's clothes became splattered with mud. Over the next two hours, Oliver proceeded to teach the students how to mount a broomstick, fly with a broomstick, etc, etc. "This is all exercise," sighed Artemis, his eyes shut. "This is stupid," said Rachel, hovering near the roof. "What's wrong with you?" asked Michelle, flying neatly beside Artemis. "I dislike heights," snapped Artemis. "Unlike other people, I don't have my head in the clouds all the time." "No, it's your nose in the air," said Rachel, ignoring the queasy feeling in her stomach as she glanced at the ground. She heaved a sigh. "I hate this," she said in a small voice. "How are you going, girls?" beamed Oliver, sliding to a smooth halt beside the group. "Excuse me, but if you didn't happen to notice, I am not a girl," hissed Artemis, icily. "And you're the only one with manicured fingernails," muttered Rachel. She flopped her hand out in front of her, both hands letting go of the broom to strike a pose. "Gosh. My nails. They're like so perfect. I mean like, yeah, totally." Artemis did not look amused. "I appreciate the finer things in life," he sniffed, haughtily. "Such as caviar, homework, and maths," said Rachel. Sensing tension in the air, Oliver quickly said, "Well, the Slytherin team is in need of new fliers, so would any of you like to join?" "Me!" cried Michelle, excitedly. "Oh, pick me! Pick me!" "Well you're a good enough flier," shrugged Oliver. "Yay!" squeaked Michelle, bouncing off her broom in her joy. She fell, sticking a hand up just in time to grab the handle of her broom. But the smile on her face did not go away. "Yay! I love flying!" Rachel longed to bring her fist down on the bony fingers that circled Michelle's broom. However, Oliver seemed quite shocked. "My, you are an apt flier!" he exclaimed. "I am?" asked Michelle, looking quite delighted, even though she was hanging perilously, 50 feet above the ground, from an enchanted piece of wood and twigs, which could give way any minute. "Yes. Would you two like to join?" Oliver turned to the other two, who were staring up into the sky. "Fears are made to be overcome," said Artemis, bravely. "Yes, I shall do it! I shall join the Quidditch team!" then he paused. "What is Quidditch?" "I won't tell you completely, but it involves two psycho flying objects, which do their best to hit you in the head and knock you off your broom, a big, red object, which you have to throw through hoops, and a golden, miniature object, which a certain person has to catch," muttered Rachel, darkly. The boy's face went an interesting green. "What?" he croaked. Rachel laughed. With a face and voice like that, Artemis Fowl 2, the great criminal mastermind, had gone from being a smooth, composed vampire, to Kermit the Frog. "Good, you'll be the Seeker, and.?" Oliver glanced at Rachel. "Oh.alright," said Rachel. "If I can survive netball, I can survive freaking Quidditch." "Netball?" "Never mind."  
  
The Gryffindors & Ravenclaw 9:30 The Dungeon  
  
"Tell me, Miss Granger, what would I get if I added Dragon's Teeth to Basilisk Fangs?" Snape's oily voice slid through the dungeon like grease. "Nothing," beamed Hermione. "The Basilisk's Fangs would make the Dragon's Teeth useless, because they're both poisonous." "Correct," said Snape, sulkily. Then he noticed a hand waving in the air. "Are you drowning, Miss Tan?" he asked. "She had enough of getting tanned, so she went in the water and got herself drowned," giggled Victoria. Angeline gave her a haughty look. "No, I am not drowning. I do not, however, agree with the logics in this. I believe that." Angeline's voice droned on.and on.and on.and on.until everyone in the dungeon was snoring. When she had finally finished, Angeline looked around in surprise at her slumbering classmates. "What?" she asked. "We haven't gone back to pre-school, with afternoon naps, have we?" Snape lay crumpled on the ground, fast asleep, snoring like a bulldozer. (Geddit? Bulldozer? Sorry) "Because that wouldn't be correct. It is only nine thirty, and you should really wait till twelve thirty, or so, because it is an afternoon nap." "Yes, because it cannot be twelve, since it is afternoon," nodded Vanessa, who was the only student who had stayed conscious through Angeline's lecture. There was a thump as Harry's head hit his desk.  
  
All four Houses 12:00 The Dining Hall  
  
"I hate sandwiches," Rachel glowered at her plate. "When did you come?" Angeline looked at all her other friends, who had just arrived. "Well, we were all crowding around Alex's computer, and then this weird ad came on. Then she pressed Enter, and the next thing you know, we were all here, and Dumbledore was Sorting us," explained Katie. "What Houses did you get into?" Rachel crossed her fingers, hoping one of them would get in Slytherin. If she had to live through one more minute of Michelle's facts on Quidditch or Artemis's theories on life, she would crack. "Susie and I got in Gryffindor, Alex got in Ravenclaw, and Leanne got in Hufflepuff," said Katie. Rachel sighed. First flying, then pus, then sandwiches, and now this. "Hooray! We're all in Gryffindor, too!" cried Sarah, delightedly. She grabbed Susie's hand and proceeded to tell the blonde all about what had happened since they got there, with Loui and Amelia adding a few bits. Christina just sat and gazed at Harry. "Christina! I reckon you should get a telescope, or you'll ruin your eyes, straining them to see Harry," advised Rachel. "Yeah, Harry's a real eyesore," giggled Victoria. Christina glared at the two of them, sticking her tongue out. "You're all just jealous." "Jealous?" Rachel lifted an eyebrow. "Pray, enlighten me." "Harry likes me and none of you!" crowed Christina. From down the table, there was a sudden screeching of chair legs on the ground, then the patter of feet, fading in the direction of the door. "Mm hmm," nodded Rachel. "Yup. Sure, Christina. Sure." "It's true!" screamed Christina, hitting her sandwich with her fist. Peanut butter squirted out onto her hand. "It's true, so there!" She stuck her tongue out at the other girls. "If Harry likes her, he must love all of us," Rachel muttered to Victoria. The girl snorted, covering her mouth as food sprayed out all over Artemis. "Oops. Hee, hee. Sorry," she laughed. "Vicky, you're disgusting," groaned Rachel, moving away from the girl. "Look who's talking," said Michelle. "Aw, shuddup. You're not part of this conversation," snapped Rachel. Michelle looked hurt; then angry. "You sure wanna die, don't you?" she growled, hands tightening around her knife. "Michelle, don't be so immature," sighed Leanne. "I agree," nodded Angeline, sitting up straight and placing her hands primly in her lap. Apparently, Oliver had just glanced in her direction. "Lovesick idiots," muttered Rachel. "I am not smitten!" screeched Christina. "I didn't say smitten, you stupid idiot. I said 'lovesick idiots'," Rachel rolled her eyes. "Stupid idiot?" asked Elspeth. "Man, are you retarded or something? S-t-u-p-i-d i-d-i-o-t," spelled Rachel. "No, I am not retarded, thank you very much," sniffed Elspeth, getting angry. "I am quite intelligent." "Unfortunately, not intelligent enough to understand a conversation in your own language," muttered Rachel, under her breath. "You shouldn't be so mean," said Stephanie. "She's new." "So are we." There was a sudden gasp from Artemis, as he delicately bit into his sandwich. Rachel gave a mimicking gasp. "Oh no!" she cried. "It's a sandwich! Commoner's food! I shall die of food poisoning!" "I wish you would," said Michelle. Everyone laughed. "Will you just shut the fuck up?" sighed Rachel. Michelle gaped at her. "Rachel!" admonished Angeline, her eyes wide with shock. There was a long silence. Quietly, Amelia sneaked a sandwich from Rachel's untouched plate. "Mm.beetroot," she said, happily. "I loooove beetroot." Louisa took the remaining sandwich, opening it, and finding with glee that it too was filled with beetroot. "Yum," she grinned, biting into it. Rachel glanced down at her plate and found it was empty. "I hate sandwiches," she muttered. "And I hate beetroot." "Don't they have caviar?" asked Artemis, wrinkling his nose at the taste of jam. "This is far too sweet for my liking." "Yuck," said Michelle, glaring at her sandwich. "This tastes disgusting. I'm gonna kill it." Throwing the sandwich back down onto her plate, she plunged her knife into it. Suddenly, her face froze. "Ooh.my leg," she said. "What?" asked Victoria. "Did you like, stick the knife down so hard that it went through the sandwich, plate, table, and into your leg?" She laughed. Michelle nodded, her face white. "Id," snorted Christina. Artemis laughed. "Surely you don't mean it?" "I do," squeaked Michelle. "Oh you're such an idiot, Michelle," exclaimed Angeline. Suddenly, a shadow fell over them all. "Miss Tan, I'm shocked. Your friend is injured and the only sympathy you hold for her is an insult?" said Oliver, looking quite disgusted. "That is disgraceful." Angeline's face was an interesting grey. "And who are you to." she gaped at the Student teacher. "To what? To tell you that it is not good kick a man when he's down?" Oliver frowned. "Really." "I.I." stammered Angeline. For once in her life, she finally had nothing to say. Pity Leanne didn't feel the same way. "Oh, hi!" she said, loudly. "I know you! You're Oliver Wood." Katie seemed just as stricken as Angeline was, and the two of them stared at Oliver as thought he had sprouted an extra twenty heads. "Yes, how did you know? Ah yes. You learnt flying today, with Slytherin, didn't you?" beamed Oliver. "Yes, and you helped that annoying little brat, Draco, across the field. Good. Well, since you're so good at helping people- --" Rachel choked, clapping her hand over her mouth as she struggled to swallow her pumpkin juice. It may have been because the pumpkin juice tasted like Heinz, Baby Food, and it may have also been because Leanne was well-known for not helping people. A huge grin on her small face, Victoria sniggered behind her hand, helplessly. Stephanie disappeared under the table, where hysterical laughter suddenly sounded, so loud that the table began to shake, causing Michelle great agony as the knife twisted in her leg. "Stop, it, Stephanie!" she shrieked, between peals of laughter. Christina was snorting, highly unladylike laughter exploding from her mouth. Angeline and Katie did their best to laugh elegantly, behind their hands. "That is so not true," laughed Angeline, placing a hand on Oliver's arm. "Trust me. It's so not true that it's not funny." Rachel's eyes went crossed. "What the?" she asked. "But it is funny. That's why we're all laughing." "Ow! Stephanie!" yelped Michelle, trying, unsuccessfully, to yank the knife out of the vibrating table. "I have never met a group of more cold-hearted females in my life!" exclaimed Oliver, horrified. "How 'bout when Katie Bell dumped you?" asked Rachel, innocently. The man's face twisted in agony, as he remembered his ex girlfriend. "You cruel child!" he sobbed, taking off, and blowing his nose loudly in a handkerchief. "What?" grinned Rachel. "All I said was.Katie Bell!" "Ugh! You're so mean," Angeline slapped her arm. "Yeah," Katie's handprint was added to Rachel's suffering limb. "You're not in Slytherin?" Rachel raised her eyebrows. "And you hit people more often than Michelle." "Shut up, Rachel," groaned Michelle.  
  
*  
  
Haha! Only our first day, and I have managed to kick someone into a tree, Angeline has managed to bore her class to sleep, (what's new?) Michelle has stabbed herself with a butter knife, and I have brought back painful memories for Oliver Wood. Enough chaos for one chapter? You just wait. And review, in the mean-time. Pleaz. 


	12. What's Happening?!

Chapter 12  
  
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"What? Two bloody hours?" shrieked Michelle. "I don't wanna stay in this stupid bed for two freaking hours!" "Well you have to," snapped Rachel. "Damn you. Now I have to suffer through Divination with the Prince of Arrogance." "I object," cried Artemis. "I am not arrogant!" "No, you're very arrogant," said Rachel, not turning around. "Anyway," she lowered her voice to a whisper, grinning wickedly. "If you still have that knife, I'd like to tell you that Draco Malfoy is in the bed beside you." "Ooh goody," cackled Michelle, rubbing her hands together. "Draco Malfoy?" asked Sarah, her hazel eyes lighting up. "Where?" "In a bed, right now, but in a coffin very soon," replied Rachel. The blonde boy turned over in his sleep, snoring loudly. "Mummy?" he asked. "I want the pink robes." Angeline sniggered, and Victoria burst out laughing. "Why do I have to have the blue ones?" he asked, caught in his dream. "The pink ones are prettier. Why don't the blue ones have lacy bits?" "Oh I have to remember this," laughed Rachel, grabbing Malfoy's wand, which happened to be on his bedside table. "Do you even know the spell?" drawled Artemis. "No. But that won't stop her," sighed Victoria. "Damn right it won't!" snapped Rachel. "Uh.remembero.whatevero!" "Rachel!" screamed Angeline, grabbing her friend's arm and dragging her out of the way just in time to avoid being squashed by the large, grey form. "Butler!" beamed Artemis. "Wild Indian Elephant!" screeched Victoria. "Same thing," sighed Artemis. Then his eyes widened. "Aghr! You're right!" "Ew." said Christina. "It's so gross." "It's called a mirror," quipped Rachel. Christina scowled. "Ha ha." "Aghr?" Artemis scratched his head. "Aghr? Is that even a word?" "No. you're turning into a Christina," said Rachel, bowing her head solemnly, and wiped away an imaginary tear. "The trumpets blare one last farewell, before the coffin is lowered into the ground. O woe is your brain." Artemis's face represented Christina's. "You have a very sarcastic friend," he commented to Angeline. "I know," nodded the girl, sadly. "Friend?" squawked Victoria and Michelle in unison. "Friend?" "Shuddup," said Rachel. "Or there'll be two coffins joining his brain. And they won't just contain dead organs." The other girls could take a hint. They shut up. "Well, we really should be going," said Sarah, grabbing Susie and dragging her out the door before she could say anything. Loui and Amelia followed. "They're right, y'know," said Rachel. "They're right, you know," corrected Angeline. She opened her mouth to continue, but before she could start another one of her exasperating lectures, Rachel shoved a wad of cloth into her mouth. Angeline's eyes grew wide, and she protested indignantly, although no one could understand what she was saying. "Come on. Let's get out of here. Before anyone sees the elephant," and the girls ran out, leaving Artemis Fowl Junior, standing by the fallen wand and elephant, looking extremely guilty. "Hey!" he cried, snapping out of his daze. "Wait for me!" And he burst into a run, but Michelle's arm shot out, grabbing his leg, and he fell heavily, the air knocked out of his lungs as he hit the ground. "Take that, you stupid idiot!" cackled Michelle. "What was that for?" gasped Artemis, scrambling to his feet and massaging his sore ribs. Michelle shrugged. "I felt like it." Shaking his head, Artemis dashed out the door before she could do anything else. As he ran, thoughts were ripping through his mind like a jackhammer. Artemis Fowl Junior did not normally run, whether physically or mentally. He was far too lazy and proud. But with an elephant in the hospital wing, and a manic girl with a knife, even he was forced to run. "Wait!" he panted, coming up behind the girls. Rachel glanced over her shoulder, then, casually stepping aside, she stuck out a leg. "No!" screeched Artemis, as he went sprawling into the desk. Glass flew off the table, hitting the floor and smashing into a million pieces. A particular crystal ball hit the ground, and literally exploded, bursting into a billion colours of mysterious-looking mist, which flew through the small room like tiny, rainbow bats. Rachel grinned evilly. "Tut, tut," she scolded, standing over him and waggling her finger at him. "What the hell did you do that for, you crazy bitch?" screamed Artemis, looking around in horror at the smashed items. "Yes!" crowed Rachel, raising her hands triumphantly. "I finally got the great Artemis Fowl Junior, to swear!" Several students tittered nervously. Professor Trewalney would not be pleased. "What is wrong with you people?" continued Artemis, finally snapping. "You are maniacs, all of you!" "And you're the one screaming his head off," remarked Rachel, calmly. "It would be easier to do that now, wouldn't it? I mean, since you've lost your brain, your head would be lighter, and therefore, it would be easier to blow your top, if you get what I mean." Artemis gaped at her. "Never mind her," advised Angeline, patting his back sympathetically. "She is crazy." "Excuse me," Rachel frowned, crossing her arms. "I am perfectly sane, thank you very much. I just happen to like word-play." "Then why did you use a wand when you have absolutely no idea about how to do magic, twice---" began Angeline. "Uh.I believe you just made a grammatical error," Rachel pointed out. "You said---" "Rachel!" cried Victoria and Stephanie. Suddenly, Rachel stopped. "Hang on! I do remember.Ngh! Gimme that." Once again, a student lost her wand. "Hey!" she cried. "That's mine." "Aw shut your stupid gob," snapped Rachel. "Repairo!" she swung the wand in the air, repairing the broken glass. "There ya go," she grinned, handing back the wand. "How the hell did you know that?" gasped Angeline, her jaw dropping. Rachel shrugged. "If I tell you," she lowered her voice. "I'll have to kill you." Angeline rolled her eyes. Well, at least she tried to. No offence, Tangerine (only kiddin) Angeline, but you aren't really the best at rolling your eyes. Or raising an eyebrow, while we're on the subject of facial expressions. But your glare's really good. No need to practise it on me. Thank you. "You're so pathetic, Rachel," sighed Angeline. That was when Professor Trewalney entered the room. "Miss Tan! Oliver warned me about you," she tutted. "Always nasty to your fellow classmates. Well I won't put up with it. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." "That's all?" drawled Rachel, looking disappointed. "Oliver--- he spoke to you about me?" squealed Angeline, her eyes glazed. She gave a heartfelt sigh, clasping her hands over her heart. Not that she could. I mean, like since you've got ribs 'n skin 'n muscles 'n.well you get the point, don't you? But anyway. So.you know what I mean. "Oliver." breathed Angeline. "Uh.okay," Victoria giggled. "She's gone weird." Stephanie laughed. "Indeed, Miss Tan. Oliver did speak to me about your behaviour. There is no need to mock him. I shall deduct five points from Ravenclaw for your bad manners," said Professor Trewalney. "Well I suffered for his love," sighed Angeline, dejectedly. "Miss Tan." said Professor Trewalney, warningly. Her shoulders slumped, Angeline sat down at a desk.  
  
Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs 4:30 Hagrid's Shack  
  
"Righ', I though we'd be doin' a bi' o work on Centaurs, t'day," grunted Hagrid, leading out a very ruffled looking centaur. "Really! I have never been treated so vilely!" exclaimed the centaur, indignantly. "His name is Foaly," said Hagrid. "And ye can pat him, if ye want." "No you may not!" shouted Foaly. "I am a technical genius, not a creature in a side-show!" "Can I ride him?" pleaded Hermione. "I've read all about centaurs." "Aghr!" screamed Foaly, trying to beat the girl off his back. "Get off me! I understand that I am incredibly handsome and females generally throw themselves on me, but not literally!" Hagrid laughed. "Now, now, Foaly. I'll just be going now.for a bit ' drink at te pub. Ye behave yerself." "Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" wailed Foaly. "Just wait till I find Holly 'n Julius! I'll get you for this, Mud Man!" "There.there," cooed Hermione, soothingly. "It's okay, centaur." "No it's not!" screeched Foaly. Then he grinned. "Until Holly n Julius come back."  
  
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Okay, so you might be wondering where the elves are. Well, you'll find out in the next chapter, so keep reviewing.actually.start reviewing. 


	13. Petrified of the dark

Chapter 13  
  
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"I'll kill Fowl for this," growled Holly, as she surveyed the scene around her. Elves! Enslaved, all of them! Working for the benefits of Mud Men! This was an elves' worst nightmare, coming true! "Hi!" squeaked a particularly ugly elf. It had a nose like a squashed tomato, and tiny, watery eyes. "Come on, Root," muttered Holly. "Let's get out of here." "No!" cried the hideous elves. "You work for Dumbledore now! You're very lucky, you know?" "Calm down, Holly," advised Root. "Best to just play along and then run when we get the chance." Holly opened her mouth to protest, but finally, she nodded. "Okay. What do we have to do?" "Oh. You're new. So you'll just be peeling the carrots," said the elf. "What?" shrieked Holly. Root handed her the peeler. "Start peeling, Captain, or we'll never get home." "I'd rather get my hands on that pasty-faced Mud Boy's face," growled Holly, fuming. "Just wait till I get him."  
  
*  
  
"Now, class. Future-telling is a very delicate business, as it involves a great deal of concentration, patience, and will," said Professor Trewalney, in her tinkling voice. "Okay, let's go then," muttered Rachel, grabbing Victoria and heading out the door. Angeline laughed. "Don't be so---" she stopped, seeing the Look of Death that the professor was giving her. "Silly," she croaked. "Fortune-telling is sure to be wonderful, since we've got Professor Trelawney teaching us." The professor strained her ears, trying to catch the faintest hint of sarcasm. There was none. "I mean, the professor's such a lovely woman, who knows her job so well. Probably the best teacher in this whole school," Angeline went on, trying to get back into the teacher's good books, so she could wring Rachel's neck. "Yes, well I am exceptionally." the professor stopped, trying to think of a word. "Perfect?" asked Angeline. "Apt?" suggested Rachel. "Perfect? Yes." nodded the professor. And she spent the rest of the lesson telling the class how good she was. Rachel groaned and left, as did Victoria and Stephanie. Artemis, however, stayed, so he could pick up tips on how he could admire himself aloud better. Angeline too stayed, just to stay on the professor's good side. Elspeth, however, was looking extremely unimpressed. "Nonsense," she exclaimed. "Your hair is nowhere near gold. More like yellow." "You wicked child!" screeched the professor. "You don't even have yellow hair!" "I'm leaving," sighed Stephanie, taking off out the door, after Rachel and Victoria.  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
"That was the most stupid lesson I've ever been to," groaned Rachel, as she walked along the corridors. "I know," nodded Victoria. Suddenly, she lurched forward, with a yelp. "Oh my.freaking sneakers!" gasped Rachel. "It's a cadaver!" "A what?" screamed Victoria, staring at the body. "A corpse!" "Huh?" Victoria scratched her head. "Dead body!" "Aghr!" Victoria started running around in circles. "No! It's a.a.a." "Corpse." "Corpse! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Victoria stopped, lifted her head and gave a blood curdling scream. "Shut up, Vicky Bicky. Or someone will think you killed them," hissed Rachel, turning a pale green. "Killed?" there was a dark figure blocking the entrance. "Killed?" Rachel looked up and blanched. "Ahhhhhh! The murderer came back!" screeched Victoria. "Murderer?" asked Stephanie, stepping into the light. "Stephanie! How could you?" gasped Rachel. "How could I what?" Stephanie looked very confused. "It was a joke," sighed Rachel, dejectedly. "Joke? There's a dead body at your feet and you're still making jokes?" yelled Victoria. Stephanie glanced down and suddenly saw the very still body of Dean Thomas. "What happened?" she asked, horrified. "I-DON'T-KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" snapped Rachel. The candles flickered and died. "Uh oh," squeaked Rachel. Suddenly, out of the darkness, came a cold, chilling voice.  
  
"Come.let me rip you.let me tear you.let me."  
  
"Ew gross!" cried Rachel. "And I thought I made gross jokes!" "Huh?" the voice seemed very confused. "I'm not joking." "Aw yeah right. Come off it, Fred," Rachel rolled her eyes. "Honestly. Victoria, are you hearing this? Ha!" "Hearing what?" Victoria's voice was very faint. "Where are you?" asked Rachel, squinting through the pitch-black corridor. "Victoria? Stephanie?" Victoria looked around frantically. She couldn't see a thing. "Stephanie?" Suddenly, something cold and scaly brushed against her leg. She froze. "Rachel? Rachel, I'm not putting up with any of your stupid jokes." "What do you mean, you psycho little child?" asked Rachel, very confused. Stephanie began getting a prickling feeling at the back of her neck. "Uh.guys?" she asked, in a trembly whisper. "Yeah?" Rachel strained her ears to hear the mysterious voice that had chilled her bones before. "Prey." hissed the voice. "Kill.no more." "Kill no more?" asked Rachel. "What the?" The other voice paused, obviously confused. "What'sssss thisssss?" "I dunno. I can't see a thing. Can you? I mean, after all, it is pitch dark, right? Unless you have night-vision. Do you have night-vision? Because unless you do, you---" began Rachel. There was a sudden explosion of spitting and hissing, before the lights suddenly flickered back on. Stephanie was standing next to the candle, a lighter out. Victoria lay, frozen on the ground, her face as pale as Dean Thomas's. "Vicky-toria?" asked Rachel. "Ugh! That was such a rude person.or whatever it was. I mean, all I was doing, was analysing the situation, so." "Shut up, Rachel," groaned Stephanie. "Victoria's dead." "Huh? Victoria? Dead?" a question mark appeared on top of Rachel's head. Stephanie began nodding solemnly, but all of a sudden, Rachel gave a whoop of joy. "Woohoo! Yes! She's gone! Gone! Ahahahahahaha!" "Rachel!" gasped Stephanie. "Quiet. She's having you on," snorted Rachel. She bent down and poked Victoria in the eye. The girl simply rolled over and continued in her eerie slumber. "Oh. Maybe she is dead," said Rachel, her face falling.  
  
That was when Professor Mcgonagall stepped into the corridor.  
  
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*strangled gasp!* Are Victoria and Dean Thomas really dead? Are they never to breathe again? Never to speak another word? *sob* Then REVIEW and find out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	14. Don't be scared, Professor Mcgonagall

Chapter 14  
  
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"What on earth happened, here?" exclaimed the professor, looking shocked. "I.uh.I.uh.I." stuttered Rachel, frozen. "It wasn't me!" babbled Stephanie. "I swear! It wasn't me!" "I.uh.I." continued Rachel. "Shut up, Rachel," sighed Stephanie. "The lights went out, and---" The professor turned at the sound of a faint hissing, then crumpled into a huddled shape on the ground. "Not good," said Rachel. "This does not look good."  
  
"Hey, stupid!" said Michelle, poking Draco. Now that the elephant was gone, she had nothing to do. But, Draco didn't move. "Hey, stupid!" repeated Michelle, poking him again. Yet again, she received the same, annoying reaction. "Hey! Are you deaf or something?" shouted Michelle. "Please," hissed Madam Pomfrey. "Try to keep quiet. And drink this." She handed Michelle a boiling mug of medicine. BIG MISTAKE. Because the second she went away, Michelle poured the boiling liquid all over Draco's face. Still, no reaction. Not even when it singed away his eyelashes. Or when it burnt away his covers. And not even when flames began to rise from his bed. "They wanted me to drink that?" wondered Michelle. "What cruel people they are. How mean." "Hey! I'm bored!" she called. "I want a pack of marshmallows!" Sighing, Madam Pomfrey gave her the marshmallows. "Why ever would you want them though?" she asked. "Because I like toasted marshmallows," explained Michelle, gesturing to the boy who was surrounded by flames. "What? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" screamed Madam Pomfrey, when she caught sight of the burning youth. "What's wrong?" asked Michelle. "Do you have really sensitive eyes or something? I mean, I know the flames are bright, but---" "Wateris!" screamed Madam Pomfrey, pointing her wand at Draco and spraying water all over him. Die, stupid boy.hissed a strange voice. Die. "Huh?" Michelle scrunched up her face, looking very confused. "What did you say?" "Michelle, dear. Please don't hiss," said Madam Pomfrey, nonchalantly, as she fought the flames. "But I wasn't," hissed Michelle, in a cross between Parseltongue and English. "You what?" asked Madam Pomfrey, wiping a bead of sweat off her forehead when the flames had finally disappeared. "I said that I wasn't hissing," said Michelle, once again her language crossed. "Michelle, dearie, please don't---" "Don't call me that!" shrieked Michelle. Shall I kill her, mistress? asked the strange voice. "Mistress? What?" screeched Michelle. "Get lost, you stupid freaking."  
  
Rachel, who was staring at the three crumpled forms in the corridor suddenly got a peculiar feeling. "Bodiless form?" she suddenly wondered.  
  
All of a sudden, a thought popped into Michelle's muddled mind. Bodiless form? Hmm.not bad, she thought. "Bodiless form."  
  
Rachel shook her head to get rid of the feeling. "Come on, Steph. I think Madam Pomfrey has three new patients." "Okay," shrugged Stephanie. Together, the two of them dragged Victoria's body down the stairs. "I'll take her feet and you take her head," suggested Rachel, when Victoria's head hit the stairs for the 1000th time. "I'm surprised you care," drawled Stephanie. "Mm.well, she hasn't finished her story yet, and I really want to read it," nodded Rachel, yanking Victoria upright. "I knew there was a reason," muttered Stephanie. "Shut up, Steph," snapped the other girl, dragging Victoria down the stairs.  
  
A few hours later.  
  
"Whew! Well I think that's it," said Rachel, staring at the three figures in the bed. "Yeah," panted Stephanie, trying to catch her breath. Michelle suddenly stirred, leaping out of the bed with a shriek. "Ah! Pink!" she screamed, in her nightmare. "Go away, Barbie! I hate you!" "Wake up, Squishy," said Rachel, prodding Michelle with the tip of her shoe. Michelle twitched, and slowly her mouth shut. "Finally!" she squeaked, leaping up, once she saw Stephanie. "I'm not staying in this freaking hospital any longer. There was a big, green snake that came in and started talking to me, but it was boring." "Victoria got Petrified by the 'big green snake'," said Stephanie. Michelle laughed. "I always knew she was a wuss." "No, stupid," snapped Rachel. "Capital 'p' e-t-r-i-f-i-e-d." "Huh?" "Never mind. Let's get out of here," sighed Stephanie. The other two followed her out.  
  
"You know, I think that thingy was a basilisk," said Michelle, as they trooped slowly to the Slytherin Common Room. "A genius is born," drawled Rachel. Once again, sarcasm floated through the air.  
  
"BASILISK!" screamed Madam Pomfrey, after inspecting her new patients. "Albus!" "Yes, what is it?" asked Dumbledore, strolling casually into the room. "Basilisk?" "YES!" screeched the woman, pointing a quivering finger at her new patients. Dumbledore leaned over to peer at the faces. "Minerva!" he gasped. "How?" "I don't know," sobbed the matron. "Two.students.came in." "White, and Khoo!" cried Dumbledore, dashing out the door after the students, with inhuman speed. Rachel turned around slowly, then, seeing the headmaster running towards them, she spun around with a shriek, grabbing Stephanie. "It was her!" she cried. "I didn't do anything! It wasn't me!" "Huh?" Dumbledore paused, staring at her. "It was.Stephanie! I caught her!" Rachel pulled Stephanie in front of her. "Hey, hey. What are you doing?" cried Stephanie, trying to pull free. Rachel tightened her grip enough to bruise her arm. "Ow!" yelped Stephanie. "Stop, stop!" said Dumbledore. "I just want to know---" Screaming, Rachel fled.  
  
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Plz, plz, plz review. 


	15. APPARantly it's a secret passage

Chapter 15  
  
Oh yeah. Chap 15! Go me!  
  
*does a little dance round room*  
  
Whew! Okay, I haven't lost my mind. I'm just really happy. Now shut up, Christina. I have a much wider vocabulary that *smitten* ya know?  
  
*  
  
How did he know? thought Rachel, as she ran through the many corridors. I only---  
  
"Aghr!" she yelped, skipping aside as Dumbledore appeared in front of her. "Bloody hell! You aren't meant to be able to apparate!"  
  
"I didn't," replied Dumbledore. "there are many secret passages through the school."  
  
"Shit!" Rachel panted, bending over and placing her hand over her chest. "You coulda given me a heart attack! Ugh!"  
  
"My apologies, Rachel," said Dumbledore. "And now---"  
  
"How did Minerva- sorry, Professor Mcgonagall and the students happen to be like that?" drawled Rachel. Then she blinked. "A basilisk, of course."  
  
Dumbledore stared at her for a long minute. He opened his mouth then closed it, shaking his grizzled head. Rachel made a face, waving a hand over her face.  
  
"Uh.hey, next time you do that, can you have a tictac first? I mean, no offence, but.I mean, it's probably all those bertie botts beans, but my lunch is rebelling," she rasped. Dumbledore blushed.  
  
"Sorry. You're right. I do love those beans," he sighed, staring into space. "I love the coconut ice. caramel .fudge .honeycomb .peanut .toffee .sherbet .apple .banana .orange.chocolate.strawberry. grape."  
  
His voice droned on and on, like a hornet's nest, until, finally, Rachel couldn't stand it any longer.  
  
"That's great. I'm really happy for you, but seeya," then turning round she ducked into one of the many corridors, still clutching Draco's wand. After all, the boy was Petrified, wasn't he? And an unconscious person had no use whatsoever for a wand, and so it wasn't a crime to.*borrow* his wand, right?  
  
"Accio Stephanie Khoo," she said, waving the stick around. The next second, her friend flew through the wall, shouting bloody murder at the top of her lungs.  
  
"What the---" she was in the middle of saying. Then she looked down at Rachel, who was holding the wand in her hands, a wicked smile on her face.  
  
"Hello, Steph," she grinned.  
  
"I'm going to kill you!" groaned Stephanie. "How the hell did you---"  
  
"Draco is missing a wand," explained Rachel, cryptically.  
  
"Huh?" Stephanie stared at her. Rachel sighed melodramatically and rolled her eyes.  
  
"I took his wand. I mean, we've got Charms soon, right?"  
  
"Whose wand?" asked Stephanie.  
  
"Huh? Gee.probably.Harry?" said Rachel, sarcastically. "Who do you think?"  
  
"Draco?" asked Michelle.  
  
Rachel clapped her hands loudly. "Applause rings through the audience! We have a winner!"  
  
Stephanie shook her head sadly. "Rachel, Rachel. When will you learn?"  
  
"Huh?" *this word is appearing heaps in this story, isn't it?*  
  
Rachel tapped her head. "What the?"  
  
"Never mind," replied Stephanie, proud that she had confused Rachel de Great, genius of all time, and author of this masterpiece.  
  
*sorry. Got a bit carried away. Very carried away*  
  
*don't touch my computer, Stephanie Khoo! Or I'll give away your address, phone number, and e-mail! You get the point? Good. Anyway, if I gave your address, your neighbours would move, seeing what I've written*  
  
Okay.where was I.?  
  
"Okay. What time is it?" Rachel glanced at her watch, then frowned, tapping the watch face.  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Stephanie.  
  
"My watch stopped." Suddenly, it dawned on her. "OH!!!! I KNOW! it's all the cursed spells round Wart hogs!"  
  
"It's Hogwarts," corrected her friend.  
  
"Whatever," snapped Rachel.  
  
*  
  
"Well, that was the most educational class I've ever been to," smiled Artemis, strolling out of the Divination classroom. "I learnt more there than from Leonardo di Vinci's paintings."  
  
Angeline moaned, covering her face with her hands. "I almost fell asleep."  
  
"Why?" asked Pansy, looking surprised. "I think that was thoroughly interesting."  
  
"You're just saying that to suck up to Artemis," snapped Elspeth. After settling into the class, she had started to sharpen her tongue on her fellow students. The youth looked vandalised, his face a ghastly white.  
  
"How dare you!" he gasped.  
  
"Ew.he looks like a vampire," replied Vanessa, making a face.  
  
Draco scowled, grabbing Pansy. "Come on. Let's go. Leave the morons to themselves."  
  
"I object!" said Artemis, indignantly. "A moron is either a person, of arrested intelligence whose mentality is judged incapable of developing beyond that of a normal child of 8 to 12 years of age, or a stupid person. I am neither."  
  
Angeline looked mildly impressed. Another dictionary reader.  
  
"And unless you have an IQ of over 152, I don't think you can talk. That would make you dumb. In two ways, seeing that a dumb person is either one who is incapable of speech or stupid- dull-witted. There are many other definitions, although I have only stated the most obvious ones that one of your limited intelligence should be able to understand," added Angeline, proudly.  
  
"Ignore her. She's a freak," muttered Michelle, who had managed to escape. "A walking, talking, calculator and dictionary. And a thesaurus."  
  
"But a thesaurus is practically a dictionary," protested Rachel. She had somehow managed to appear out of the air, dragging Stephanie behind her.  
  
"Passageway," muttered Draco.  
  
"No. I've just discovered how to apparate," replied Rachel, cheerfully. "See?" she turned to Stephanie. "It worked."  
  
"I feel sick," groaned Stephanie.  
  
"Then you didn't do it properly," joked Rachel. "You left your stomach behind."  
  
Stephanie moaned, her face taking on a tinge of green. Apparently, she didn't feel the same way about humour, at this minute.  
  
"Ridiculous! You can't apparate in the school grounds!" exclaimed Hermione, who had come for her textbooks.  
  
"Just because you can't doesn't mean the rest of the world can't," replied Rachel, tartly.  
  
"But it said in Hogwarts, a History, that you can't apparate inside the school grounds," continued Hermione. "You're underage, you shouldn't even know the spell, and IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE!"  
  
Rachel gave an exaggerated yawn, covering her mouth. "Yadayadayadayada. Well I managed it, and I'm the living proof that I can apparate in the school grounds. So nah!!!!!!" she stuck her tongue out at the astonished girl. Angeline snorted. Hermione sniffed and stormed off, forgetting her textbooks in her rage. "Did you really apparate?" gasped Angeline.  
  
"No, there's a secret passage back there," replied Rachel, jerking her thumb at the corner where she had appeared from. "Stephanie, you should pursue a career in acting."  
  
"Thanks," said Stephanie. "But you didn't have to punch me that hard."  
  
"Sorry," shrugged Rachel, not looking at all remorseful.  
  
"You punched her?" drawled Artemis, lifting a dark brow.  
  
"No, I simply hit her with my fist," snapped Rachel. "Honestly! Highest tested IQ in the whole of Europe indeed!"  
  
Artemis scowled.  
  
"You had all better go to your classes," said Elspeth. "Or you'll get in trouble."  
  
*  
  
Okay, okay. I know. I didn't write anything about Christina or the rest of the other guys, but I'll do that in my next chapter. Which you will get to read.if you review. Thanks heaps, to the person who keeps reviewing, and isn't one of my friends. Oh yeah, Michelle is begging me to not put her with Harry. If I'm feeling particularly callous, though, I will. As for my paragraphs.I'm really, really, really, really sorry. My computer's stuffed up. so.that's my alibi. 


	16. the relative of kidney pie

Chapter 16  
  
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANIMAL-LOVERS, VEGETARIANS, CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 10, AND PEOPLE WHO ARE VERY SENSETIVE. THE FOLLOWING TEXT MAY CONTAIN THE USUAL LEVEL OF BAD LANGUAGE, MIXED WITH THE HISTORY OF A CERTAIN SCOTTISH DISH  
  
*  
  
"Ew! That's so gross!" groaned Christina. "I don't want to get my hands dirty!"  
  
"Now, if you want to help the poor people in the hospital wing, you're going to have to start squeezing pus," sighed Professor Sprout.  
  
"I don't want them to get better," replied Christina, stubbornly. The other students, who were busy squeezing pus glared vehemently at her.  
  
"Christina, dear." said the professor looking very worried. "Your friends."  
  
Christina crossed her arms and glared back at the students, blowing a raspberry.  
  
"Victoria.is.Petrified," said Professor Sprout, bowing her head. Christina stared at her.  
  
"I know this must come as a dreadful shock to you," continued the Professor.  
  
"Really?" interrupted Christina, not looking convinced. "That little terror is Petrified?"  
  
"Uh." Professor Sprout stopped, uncertainly. The girl was not taking it the way she thought she would.  
  
"Oh good!"  
  
Sarah stared at her.  
  
"Christina!" exclaimed Susie, aghast. Leanne giggled.  
  
"Really?" she asked.  
  
"Yes." nodded Professor Sprout. "Indeed she has. And in order for her to get better, you need to collect the ingredients that will make her get better."  
  
"But I don't want to," said Christina, looking extremely puzzled. "Why would I want Victoria to get better?"  
  
"Because.she's your friend," replied the Professor, slowly.  
  
"Yes, yes, yes. But she makes me sound so stupid in her story!" complained Christina.  
  
"What story?" demanded Leanne.  
  
"Her 'Lord of the Rings' story. She makes me carry around a bunny called 'Mr Fluffy', and makes me act like I like taking showers! I don't like taking showers! I like to smell bad!" shouted Christina.  
  
*these statements came from her very own mouth, today, on the 6/8/02. It was recorded at 1:28pm, at school, in PLC. All but the last statements are her very own words* *isn't revenge sweet, Christina? Better marks indeed!*  
  
"Huh? What? I didn't know she was writing a Lord of the Rings story!" cried Leanne, beginning to squeeze pus with renewed energy. "She never told me! I want to read it! Get to work, Christina!"  
  
"But she'll write more bad things about me," whined Christina, picking up the nearest vine and squeezing it gingerly.  
  
"But if she doesn't get better, she won't be able to continue it," Sarah pointed out, even though she had absolutely no idea what Christina was talking about.  
  
"Hmm.I guess so," shrugged Christina, poking the vine harder. A sudden explosion of pus shattered the greenhouse windows, rendering all the people in the building unconscious.  
  
*  
  
"What was that?" cried Angeline, staring in shock at the greenhouse.  
  
"I dunno. You wanna see?" shrugged Rachel.  
  
"No," said Vanessa, in a whiny voice. "I want to go and have dinner."  
  
"Mm.it's getting dark already," nodded Elspeth.  
  
Artemis looked at her in alarm. "What?" For the first time in fourteen years, Artemis Fowl Junior had spent a whole day without a physics book.  
  
"You're right. Susie 'n Sarah will probably turn up at the Great Hall before us, if we don't hurry," nodded Angeline, doing a 180* angle, and running back into the building. "It's cold. I'll race you guys!"  
  
"Cheater!" cried Michelle, leaping after her. Elspeth followed, running just for the sake of running.  
  
"I wonder what's for dinner." wondered Rachel. "I mean, there is totally no point in running to a meal, which you know you will not enjoy. There really is no sense in it, either."  
  
"Yes, but we're getting left behind," said Victoria. "Hurry up."  
  
At that, all the remaining girls burst into a run, leaving Artemis to his thoughts.  
  
"Crazy, the lot of them," he muttered. "Completely deranged. More like mountain trolls than schoolgirls. Should be locked in an asylum, and never let out." Then he looked up. He did not like what he saw. Rachel was scowling at him, arms crossed, tapping her foot.  
  
"Asshole," she said, punching him in the eye.  
  
Artemis moaned and bent over, clutching his eye. He made the mistake of looking back up. Michelle was there, now, and did not look very happy.  
  
"Humph! Take that, you stupid freaking idiot!" she shouted, kicking him in the side.  
  
"Uh.Michelle?" asked Rachel. "You might've ruptured his liver, by doing that."  
  
"Huh? Is that good or bad?" asked Michelle.  
  
"Bad," squeaked Artemis, hugging his sides. "Very, very bad."  
  
"Shut up, you," snapped Rachel, kicking his other side. Artemis moaned and keeled over.  
  
"Let's go. I can smell pie," shrugged Michelle, breaking into a run. Rachel stayed where she was, her left brow going higher and higher with every step her friend took.  
  
"What's wrong?" Michelle finally turned around.  
  
"Wrong way, you moron," said Rachel.  
  
"Oh," Michelle nodded and took off in the direction her friend was pointing. Rachel followed.  
  
"What about me?" said Artemis. "What about---"  
  
Michelle came back, and grabbing his ear, she pulled him all the way to the Great Hall.  
  
"Ow!" The cry rang through the halls like a pack of hungry wolves. "Ow! Let go of my ear! Ow! The ear is a very sensitive organ, you know! OUCH!"  
  
"Yes. I guess you didn't know that a few minutes ago, when you stated that we were all deranged and deserved to be put in asylum," drawled Rachel.  
  
"Yes, but---"  
  
"It is pie!" beamed Michelle, in delight. She let go of the boy's ear, promptly, and threw herself onto the nearest chair.  
  
"Food!" she said, happily. "Real food, and not sandwiches!"  
  
"Not sandwiches?" Rachel grinned, following suit, by sliding onto the bench, beside Michelle. "It is food. It's---"  
  
"Steak and kidney pie," replied Angeline, saying the third word with relish.  
  
Her friends eyed their plates uncertainly.  
  
"Count me out," sighed Rachel, pushing her plate away. "I feel quite ill."  
  
"Me too," groaned Victoria.  
  
"Why, is it kidney pie?" cried Artemis, forgetting his pain for a minute. "Indeed it is! I would recognise the pungent scent of that delicacy anywhere! Pastry on the outside and kidney on the inside!"  
  
"You sure it's not the wrong way round?" asked Rachel, sarcastically. "Maybe they make it like haggis. Oh, no. that's the heart, liver, and so on and so forth of a sheep stuffed in a sheep's stomach. Still, quite similar, isn't it?"  
  
Stephanie blanched. "What?"  
  
Shooting a nasty look at Angeline, Rachel began telling them in full detail all about how to make haggis, including the ingredients and method of making.  
  
"I'm not hungry now," said Angeline in a small voice.  
  
"Now, now. Don't let me ruin your meal of haggis' relative. Eat up, Angeline. And enjoy the delightful taste of animal organs!" smiled Rachel.  
  
The other girl cupped a hand over her mouth and ran for the exit. Rachel watched her departure, with an absent smile of her face.  
  
"Quite fascinating, the history of Scots, isn't it?" she said.  
  
*  
  
Okay, I did not make up that part about haggis. It's real, it's disgusting, and people used to eat it. I hope they don't, anymore, because if they do, I wouldn't like to talk to them. I mean, all that oatmeal and suet, mixed with all kinds of sick organs, and shoved into the poor creature's stomach? That'd give you nasty breath, I reckon. Animal lovers, vegetarians and so on.don't say I didn't warn you. PLEASE don't stop reviewing. Please, please, please, please. And thanks so much to the anonymous person out there, who does not know me, and yet, is still reviewing. You're great. Don't stop. Whatever you do, please don't stop. 


	17. Chaotic Christina

Chapter 17  
  
I can't believe it! Stephanie tried to kill me! I'm gonna get her! Grr.I'm gonna kill her so bad, she'll regret throwing that paper aeroplane for the rest of her life! Teach her to throw a paper aeroplane at my head.mutter, mutter  
  
Oh yeah. I know I made some mistakes in the previous chapter. Victoria and Draco are still Petrified, in case you were wondering. I just forgot.  
  
*  
  
"Rachel, you're disgusting," groaned Stephanie, laughing.  
  
"Ew," Michelle screwed up her face. "Gross."  
  
Rachel just smiled. "Sit down, Arty. Have some lovely hagg- I mean, kidney pie."  
  
Artemis dashed out, after Angeline.  
  
"What's wrong?" Rachel's face was the perfect image of innocence. "Don't you like the pungent scent of pie?"  
  
*  
  
Christina moaned, opening her eyes slowly. The greenhouse was in strife. Pus dripped, oozing from the ceiling. Tables had been blown up, and one of the table legs was in the wall. Not much for decorating, but hey.  
  
"What happened?" muttered Harry, getting up.  
  
Slowly, the other students stirred, some looking around at the destroyed greenhouse in shock, others looking horrified, and Neville was beginning to cry.  
  
"Everything I loved," he sobbed. "went into making the greenhouse a better place. For us, and the plants. Now that's all gone."  
  
"Christina, what did you do?" asked Susie, beginning to smile.  
  
"I don't know!" screeched Christina. "I just---"  
  
A vine wrapped itself around her mouth, tightening.  
  
"GRM MMF MM!" she screamed, her voice muffled by the plant. The plant shuddered, at the sound of her voice, but kept its grip.  
  
"Devil's Snare, I think," said Hermione, glancing at Christina, a superior look fixed upon her face. "Only a few weeks old."  
  
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" wailed Christina, slapping the thin tendrils of the plant. "MMMMGGGGGGGGGMMMM!"  
  
"Huh?" Harry grinned, but quickly freed her from her prison. "There."  
  
"Oh THANK you, Harry!" beamed Christina, flinging her arms around his neck. "I KNEW you would save me! I just knew it!"  
  
Harry blushed, going scarlet. "It's nothing," he mumbled.  
  
"Oh, you're so SMART!" continued Christina, making no effort to lower her voice. "And BRAVE! And STRONG!"  
  
Her friends tittered, hiding smiles behind their hands.  
  
"Uh.Christina, I think you're choking him," laughed Sarah. Loui sniggered and did an impression of Christina strangling Harry. It was quite amusing.  
  
But slowly, the smiles on the faces of the students faltered and died, withering on their very faces. For there, hands planted on hips, stood Professor Sprout, her whole being quivering with shock, rage, and horror.  
  
"How DARE you!" she cried, her face red. "You UNGRATEFUL child!"  
  
Christina did not look at all sorry. In fact, the huge grin on her face as she clutched Harry, seemed to say, 'What a joke. I'm going to try it again.'  
  
This, however, was the wrong facial expression to be wearing, at that second.  
  
"Detention and FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!" screamed the professor.  
  
Christina smiled, absent-mindedly. Harry, however, suddenly found new courage inside his weedy form, and cried, "That's not fair!"  
  
A dreadful silence fell over the class, as Professor Sprout stared at him.  
  
Finally, she spoke, her voice trembling with rage. "Never, tell me how to punish girls who DESTROY ENTIRE BUILDINGS, POTTER!!! YOUR FATHER WAS A USELESS NOBODY, AND SO ARE YOU! THINK YOU'RE SO GOOD, STRUTTING AROUND SCHOOL, WITH THAT STUPID SCAR ON YOUR HEAD, HEY? WELL I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BOY!!! DETENTION, AND ONE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Harry gaped at the teacher, dumbstruck by her sudden explosion. Professor Sprout was a friendly, calm teacher, and it was totally out of character for her to scream at him. Was that why she had always glared at him so menacingly out of the corner of her eye? Did she REALLY have it in for him?  
  
"Hey! Don't talk like that to him!" complained Christina, her piercing voice shooting migraines into the students' heads. "He's wonderful, he's handsome, he's smart, he's strong, and he does NOT have a STUPID scar! It's cool! I like it!"  
  
Once again, silence settled itself on the mouths of students, crushing them. When the professor spoke again, her voice was different. There was still undisguised malice in her words, but she seemed to have gained control over herself again.  
  
"Very well," she hissed. "Potter and Hodgekinson."  
  
Christina scowled, making a face. "It's HODkinson."  
  
"What a sweet couple," continued the professor, ignoring Christina. "Detention for two nights, and one hundred points from Gryffindor."  
  
"But---" began Harry, looking horrified.  
  
"Each."  
  
There was a sudden gasp from all the Gryffindors. TWO HUNDRED POINTS IN ONE GO? It was a school record. Not even George or Fred Weasley had ever managed it.  
  
"Class dismissed," Professor Sprout's voice was clipped. "Potter, HODGEkinson, see me afterwards to discuss your detention. Everyone else, have a nice day."  
  
As the class trooped out, Harry and Christina were given nasty looks from all. Sarah, and the rest of Christina's old school friends, however, gave her comforting smiles, which held sympathy that could last a nation for years.  
  
"We'll be waiting for you outside," murmured Sarah, pity in her voice as well as her look.  
  
"Yeah," nodded Amelia. Suddenly, her face changed. "But don't take too long. I'm hungry."  
  
"Amelia!" laughed Louisa, slapping her friend's hand lightly.  
  
"She doesn't mean it," grinned Susie. "Bye, Christina."  
  
"Yeah, bye," smiled Christina, still holding onto Harry's hand like a kindergarten child. Harry lowered his eyes to the floor, and didn't raise them again, until the very last student had gone.  
  
*  
  
Christina has FINALLY managed to cause a bit of chaos of her own, now. Okay, Anonymous reviewer, don't get too annoyed. This is all part of the plan to bring Michelle back into sop land, and Christina into reality. Michelle has been glaring daggers at me all through school, because I told her what I was going to do. She doesn't like me very much, now. Ah well, she never did. Camp's a bit of a worry, though. She'll probably try to kill me in my sleep. Have to get a gun license, then. Take a page out of Merrice's book (from Frasier, the TV show) and keep a revolver under my pillow.  
  
Right, well she's definitely gonna do something embarrassing, because she just committed suicide before Art, by saying that she had created her very own world including us, on the Sims, and she was going to make me commit suicide. So, Michelle, there. You kill me on your little laptop screen, and I'll make you fall in love IN FRONT OF THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Okay, well everyone, please review. I LOVE reading reviews, and.yeah. So, laters. 


	18. Mathematical Deficiancy

Chapter 18  
  
*  
  
"I have to clean out bedpans on Friday afternoon," groaned Christina, looking at her fingers. "Ew, gross. What are bedpans?"  
  
Angeline opened her mouth to speak, but she closed it again, going bright red. It may have been because Rachel muttered, 'shut your gob, Angeline. I can smell haggis', or it may have been because the answer was too.undignified to say. Artemis went an unsightly reddish green, and he too kept his silence.  
  
"I know what bedpans are," giggled Alex.  
  
"Alex, don't," said Rachel, warningly. "It's absolutely revolting and foul."  
  
However, her friend took no heed of her words, going on to say, "Bedpans are shallow toilet pans that people stuck in bed have to use."  
  
"EWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Christina. "I'M NEVER GOING TO CLEAN THAT!"  
  
"There's another meaning too," muttered Rachel. "It's also a warming pan."  
  
"Warming pan?" asked Harry.  
  
"Don't get your hopes up, though," continued Rachel. "She said clean OUT. So.run."  
  
Christina ran. Screaming. At the top of her lungs, of course. But then, Harry did a strange thing. No, he didn't go to the gym and start pumping iron. He DID, however, run after her, saying, "Well at least we have to do the detention together. So I can get to know you better."  
  
The girl turned around, bewildered. "REALLY? YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW me?"  
  
"Yeah," shrugged Harry, blushing furiously. "I mean, I hardly know you, and- --"  
  
"Ah." Rachel smiled dreamily. "Young love. How innocent. How carefree."  
  
"Shut up," growled Michelle. She kicked Rachel in the shins and stormed off in a huff.  
  
"How stupid," said Rachel, jerking her head towards Michelle's departing back.  
  
"Shut up!" shouted Michelle, not turning around. She disappeared round the corner, still scowling.  
  
"Huh," sniffed Rachel. "She kicks ME and gets angry?"  
  
Artemis stared at her. "Didn't that hurt?" He would've been slamming bandages onto his shins as fast as he could, by now, and sloshing disinfectant all over himself, lest any germs or scars emerge. Let alone blood.  
  
"Oh yes. But you get used to it after a while," shrugged Rachel, limping off after Michelle, and muttering swear words under her breath.  
  
Angeline snorted, before running after them. "Wait for me! I want to talk to Michelle!"  
  
"Go away!" snapped Michelle, from behind the Slytherin Portrait door. "I don't want to talk to YOU."  
  
"Then let ME in," said Rachel, angrily slamming her shoulder against the portrait again. "I wanna take my shower."  
  
"Michelle, don't be so immature. It's something about maths," sighed Angeline.  
  
"Harrypotterisabigidiot," said Rachel, scowling at the portrait.  
  
"What?" laughed Angeline.  
  
"That's the password," explained Rachel, attacking the door with renewed energy. "Open up, you stupid freaking door!"  
  
"I've got orders," shrugged the picture, leering at her nastily.  
  
"I DON'T CARE! I WANT TO TAKE MY SHOWER!" shouted Rachel, losing her short temper. "OPEN UP OR I'LL---"  
  
"You'll what?" smirked the picture. Angeline goggled at it.  
  
"Ugh. I'm being baited by a picture," growled Rachel. "OPEN OR I'LL.I'LL PAINT A MOUSTACHE ON YOUR STUPID FACE! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! WITH DRIPPING, BLACK INK! MAYBE A FEW PINKS, TOO! THEN YOU'LL LOOK PICTURE PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The next second, the portrait swung open, revealing a fleeing figure.  
  
"Michelle! Wait for me!" cried Angeline, taking the steps by two after her friend, as Rachel was doing. Unfortunately, her legs were not quite as long as Rachel's, and she overbalanced, toppling forward, onto her hands. "Sorry. I've got orders," apologised the stairs. "Orders? I'll show YOU orders!" snapped Angeline, kicking the stairs. She didn't like being made to look stupid. Not like it was possible, though, with an IQ of 140 or so.  
  
"Calm down, Angeline," said Rachel, looking quite impressed at Angeline's display of temper. Kicking the stairs indeed!  
  
"Humph!" sniffed Angeline, dusting her tartan tunic off regally. "Michelle Tso! Come down this instant!"  
  
"Don't you mean CALM down?" grinned Rachel.  
  
"Ugh." Angeline rolled her eyes, and continued chasing Michelle.  
  
*  
  
"What's wrong with Michelle?" asked Sarah, looking quite shocked.  
  
"What is wrong with Michelle?" repeated Artemis, looking amused. "My dear girl, isn't it obvious?"  
  
Sarah planted her hands on her hips and glowered at him. "Don't call me that," she said.  
  
Artemis shrugged. "Only being polite as is the custom of gentlemen. Well, anyway. Your friend, Michelle, is suffering from mathematical deficiency. It is something I too suffer from, as did Einstein, and Marilyn Monroe."  
  
Susie lifted a sceptical eyebrow, and snorted. "Right." she nodded.  
  
The boy sighed melodramatically. "See, when a person is too good at a subject, their brain fixes it into the system, enabling them to find that subject far easier, and enjoyable. When the source of that subject is cut off or denied from the body, the person's systems overbalance, causing mood swings and unpredictable tempers."  
  
"So THAT'S why Angeline gets short-tempered all the time," nodded Sarah. "Because she's too good at everything and can't study all of it."  
  
"How about with candy?" Leanne wanted to know. "Is it the same with candy?"  
  
"Do you study candy?" snorted Katie.  
  
"Oh.right," Leanne blushed, and stared at the floor, giggling quietly.  
  
"Are all your friends as disturbed as she is?" asked Artemis, pointing to Leanne, with a polished shoe.  
  
Katie laughed. "Leanne's just stupid, Christina's just slow and smitten, Michelle's just vicious, and Rachel's just sarcastic."  
  
"I see." said Artemis, nodding slowly. "So you all have certain traits?"  
  
"Huh?" said Leanne, her face blank.  
  
"Ah.now I see what you mean," said the boy, smiling a little.  
  
"Huh?" repeated Leanne, looking around wildly. "What did he say? What? Did he say my name? I heard someone say my name."  
  
The youth's smile grew. "You certainly weren't exaggerating, Katie."  
  
The whole group of children began laughing, and Leanne began flicking her head around angrily. "What.?" she whined. "What is it?"  
  
Only Vanessa and Artemis retained their humour. Vanessa, because she was strange, and did not like to laugh at jokes, preferring 'ghost stories' to funny stories, and Artemis, because he did not laugh. Isn't nature strange? Geniuses often don't like laughing.  
  
Then again, Angeline does laugh. Only problem? She doesn't laugh at jokes. She laughs at people.  
  
Leanne also began laughing, even though she had not the foggiest idea what was going on, and what they were laughing at. Then again, what was new? Leanne often only understood jokes, which insulted her. She found them funny. And still does. Rachel has the wonderful job of making up insulting jokes for Christina and Leanne.  
  
* Well, I guess that's enough personal history. You must all be asleep by now, so I'll leave this chapter here. Oh, by the way, my last few paragraphs were complete truth. Vanessa is (no offence) small, quite (uh) short, and doesn't look at all intimidating. However, she has a wonderful way of giving her fellow students the 'evil eye', and indeed, does not like to laugh. Mm.Angeline though, I might have made a mistake. The only other kinds of jokes she likes besides a person looking stupid are really, really, really, really, really complicated jokes, which often have something to do with politics. Sad, isn't it?  
  
So review, because I really need some *human* feedback.  
  
p.s. I'm TRYING to make Michelle like Harry, but it's kinda hard. I mean, nothing that involves a certain level of slush matches Michelle, Queen of Karate. 


	19. Strange hobbies

Chapter 19  
  
Oh yeah! I can't believe it! Chapter 19! I was only planning to write a 10 Chapter fanfic, but this is totally AWESOME! I've still got more ideas, too!  
  
*  
  
"There you are!" scowled Angeline, throwing open the door to the girl's dormitories. Michelle raised her eyes to the ceiling, her lips tight.  
  
"Go away," she said.  
  
"I want to ask you about KUMON," replied Angeline. At the slightest mention of maths, Michelle suddenly felt her spirits rise. That was strange. She hated maths, despite being good at it. And when I say good, I mean GOOD.  
  
"Why? You haven't even got your homework," said Michelle, dully.  
  
"Oh yes I have. Remember? When Professor Dumbledore magicked all our stuff here, he said we could bring personal items, too. So while Christina was trying to Summon her fluffy pink booma, I begged Professor Mcgonagall to let me bring all my maths homework," Angeline smiled, gazing into the ceiling. "Lovely maths. Wonderful maths. Signposts maths. Oh how I LOVE that book. I read it every night, when I finish reading the dictionary."  
  
Michelle began to look worried. "Angeline? You're reading the . dictionary?"  
  
"Uh huh," Angeline nodded her head vigorously. "It's so interesting."  
  
"Angeline, Angeline," sighed Michelle, shaking her head sadly. But she couldn't stop the grin. Damn. She would have to watch Rachel more carefully when she did it next time.  
  
"Here, see. I couldn't quite understand why 87/96 plus 0.5987, minus 21.3% of that, and divided by 65.28, plus E squared would equal -.63582."  
  
"Ah," said Michelle. "That's a mistake that lots of people make. See, if you add that to that, and then subtract, divide and make it into all kinds of things, you are still missing the main point."  
  
And she and Angeline began to stretch their horrifyingly powerful brain cells, by doing algebra, (which Michelle found boring and too easy), problem solving (which Angeline found delightfully fun and simple), and more dreadful things that could give any ordinary human being a migraine.  
  
When Rachel walked back into the room, she stared in disgust and horror at all the mathematical textbooks spread out over the floor.  
  
"Freaks!" she exclaimed. "How can you DO that? You psycho maniacs!"  
  
"How can you read that?" snorted Angeline, pointing the end of her pen towards a stack of books that Rachel had put on her bed. Angeline got up, and began to read the titles of the books out loud, saying each one with thinly veiled disgust.  
  
"The Keeping Place, is that just ONE book?" she gaped at the 700+ page book.  
  
"Michelle wanted to read it, too," shrugged Rachel.  
  
"The Earthsea Quartet- what the hell is that?"  
  
"I got it for my BIRTHDAY," Rachel stared accusingly at Angeline and Michelle. "Remember? The day you said, 'it's not your birthday. You're a liar'."  
  
"Yeah, well that's because you're always being sarcastic, so we can't tell when you're lying and when you're 'telling the truth'," said Angeline.  
  
"Yeah," agreed Michelle.  
  
Rachel snorted. "Yeah right. That's just another one of your pitiful little excuses."  
  
Angeline looked thoughtful. As usual. "You're right," she nodded. "It is another one of our 'pitiful little excuses'."  
  
Her friend scowled, looking suspicious. She was always suspicious when Angeline or someone agreed with her. "What do you want?" she asked.  
  
"Whatever do you mean? I don't want anything," smiled Angeline.  
  
"You're a terrible liar," replied Rachel, her tone wary.  
  
"I know I am," said Angeline, cheerfully. Michelle shuddered at the happy tone. Anything nice, even if it was fake was unbearable to her ears.  
  
Rachel looked around quickly, then, grabbing one of the books on her bed, ran out, before Angeline could say anything. The sound of her friends' laughter followed her out into the corridor.  
  
"Freaks," muttered Rachel, sitting down, her back against the wall. "Complete maniacs." Flipping her book open, she began reading, and soon her head was filled with images of assassins trying to poison kings, soldiers killing each other, and shafts sticking out of the throats of fallen fighters. Quite a lovely book it was, really.  
  
*  
  
I *know*. this chapter was extremely short and boring. But I have a serious case of writer's block, resulting from people looking over my shoulder all the time, the second I start typing. Yes, Michelle. In other words, YOU. I saw you looking, so don't try to deny it. It's ALL YOUR FAULT. 


	20. Jess & Claire's dramatic entrance

Chapter 20  
  
Ew! Gross! Christina just burped! Then she laughed! You're feisty, Christina. Seriously gross. I have no idea why Harry Potter would like you. Or Daniel Radcliffe, for that matter. Sad.  
  
*  
  
Jess sighed, typing away at her laptop. Angeline and everyone else in her little circle of friends had disappeared. Even Susie and the rest of her friends in the other A class had gone. Now, life was boring. Claire, who sat on the same table as her, also heaved a sigh and tapped away at her keyboard, gaining an 'EXTREME', on Icy Tower. However, even that failed to put more than a flicker of a grin on her face. First Mrs Fisk, and now Michelle, and the rest of her friends.  
  
"Claire, please put your laptop screen down," instructed Miss Fraser. (Yes, I know. I said Mrs Fisk in the first chapter, but we have a new teacher. Mrs Fisk has abandoned us, going to Hong Kong to teach. Miss Fraser is our new teacher). "I am explaining some very complicated maths, and it is very rude to be playing on your computer, when someone is talking to you."  
  
With a regretful sigh, Claire pressed the ESC button on her computer, pausing the game. A few tables away, Molly, too, Paused her game. It was the perfect opportunity to train to beat her archival at computer games, Rachel, and now she wasn't allowed to play! First BLOCK, and now Icy Tower. It wasn't fair! Rachel even had a worse screen than she did!  
  
"Thank you, Molly," smiled Miss Fraser. "Now, as you can see...." And she went on to describe the many ways that tectonic plates moved. Well.three's not that much, but yeah. It's too detailed. I don't like it. Y'know, what is the point of knowing this? It's not going to help us in life, is it? Unless we become geologists or something, and we aren't. Example of the usefulness of the knowledge of how tectonic plates move: Scenario. Two girls, clustered round a broken gumball machine.  
  
Girl 1- "It's broken. Nothing's coming out."  
  
Girl 2- "Oh no! I wasted my 20c!"  
  
Woman comes along. Woman- "Hang on, kids. I can fix it. If the Indian Australian Plate is moving towards the African Plate, resulting in seafloor spreading, there should be the formation of new oceanic crust, which will therefore lead to a certain change in the ground level, and so if you stand directly 87 degrees to the centre of the Pacific Plate, and place a 5c coin in the coin slot, there should be enough of a tiny jolt, which you may not feel, although it should be enough to bump your money out of the machine, which will unblock the machine."  
  
Girl 1- "Gee, thanks! It really worked!"  
  
Yeah right. More like all of the above, and in the end, Girl 1 says, "Woman, you're a freak. In that time, we can easily call someone to fix the machine."  
  
But.on with the 'story'.  
  
"Hey, Jess," whispered Claire, as the bell tolled for Lunch. "Have you seen Christina or anyone?"  
  
"No," replied Jess (I called her Jessica, in the first chapter. Remember her? The one who did the word? Lubricate?).  
  
"That's weird. I haven't seen her since Recess," muttered Claire.  
  
"Yeah. They were hanging round Christina's computer then.hey, look!" Jess grinned, seeing the 'advertisement' on her screen.  
  
"What is---woah!" two more shapes crashed into Hogwarts, yelping. Fortunately, all the girls who felt the urge to swear for nothing were already in Hogwarts.  
  
"Oh look. There's Jess," said Michelle, bending over the still shapes.  
  
"And Claire," said Stephanie, prodding the other girl with her foot.  
  
"Oh no! Is there no end to this awful line of females!" groaned Artemis. Rachel cracked her knuckles loudly.  
  
"Repeat that please, Master Fowl," she said, her voice dangerously soft.  
  
"It's 2am in the morning!" moaned Angeline, rubbing her eyes. "What are you all doing out here?"  
  
"Slumber Party!" whooped Sarah, whipping a bag of jelly Snakes out of her pocket.  
  
"Cool!" grinned Susie, taking a bar of chocolate out.  
  
"I knew you wouldn't disappoint us," said Amelia, adding a pack of Kettle chips.  
  
"Yum! I love those!" said Louisa, looking positively delighted. "Here. I bought a box of Maltesers this morning."  
  
Michelle looked very confused. Then, "FOOD!"  
  
"Oh no," said Rachel. "The Queen of Bedpans has decided grace us with her presence."  
  
"Hey!" said Christina, planting her hands akimbo, on her hips and scowling. "I really am royal. Anyway, I made Harry clean it all."  
  
Harry was following her, looking very forlorn.  
  
"You?" Artemis lifted a brow. "Royal?"  
  
"Uh huh," Christina nodded proudly. "My aunt's mother was in line for the throne of Portugal. But then it got overthrown, because of communism.or something like that." She looked quite disappointed.  
  
"Really?" Angeline looked impressed.  
  
"And I'm the granddaughter of an un-dubbed princess," replied Rachel, solemnly.  
  
"You're a liar," Angeline hit her arm.  
  
"See the change in reaction?" asked Rachel, eyes innocently wide.  
  
"I'm not surprised," muttered Artemis. A piercing pain in his shin made him yelp.  
  
"Ow! What did you do that for, you crazy witch?"  
  
"Aw.ain't that sweet?" drawled Rachel. "Count Dracula, y'know, you wouldn't look too bad yourself, if you had a change of clothes. And a facelift. And plastic surgery."  
  
Artemis scowled.  
  
"Huh?" laughed Angeline.  
  
"A witch can also be a fascinatingly attractive woman," said Rachel.  
  
"How about the other one? The one about the hag?" asked Artemis, still stinging from the comments about facelifts and plastic surgery.  
  
"I don't eat children," replied the girl. "And I'm even younger than you. If I'm old, you're ancient."  
  
"That was two different meanings," said Angeline, smiling a little, at the baffled look on the criminal mastermind's face.  
  
Rachel opened her mouth, as if to speak, but decided against it. Anyway, Jess and Claire were waking up.  
  
"Where am I?" moaned Jess, looking around with bleary eyes.  
  
"Hogwarts," chirped Leanne, cheerfully.  
  
"Ah! There's more!" cried Ron, aghast. The whole group turned to stare at the redhaired boy, who was coming down the stairs in his Quidditch pajamas.  
  
"Woah, dude," said Rachel. "Check out the fluffy slippers."  
  
Ron turned as red as his hair.  
  
"It's a slumber party," Louisa told him, cheerfully.  
  
"How much gel do you use to make your hair flat?" asked Rachel.  
  
"Seriously? We're in Hogwarts?" screeched Claire, her eyes lighting up.  
  
"Woohoo!" Jess punched the air with her fist. Then stopped. "You're lying," she said, flatly.  
  
"None," Ron told Rachel. This conversation was getting very confusing.  
  
"What do you mean 'none'?" Jess demanded, suspiciously. "That's not a proper answer."  
  
"I said none to her, not you," replied Ron.  
  
"Huh?" Michelle looked around, wide-eyed. "What?"  
  
"This is SO cool!" shouted Claire, leaping up. "WOW!"  
  
*sorry Claire, I AM making you sound like a mutated frog, aren't I?*  
  
"What are you all doing up?" gasped Hermione, appearing beside Ron. Apparently, they had both been under the Invisibility Cloak.  
  
"Hey, that's mine!" cried Harry, catching sight of his cloak at last.  
  
Hermione blanched, as Ron's face was stuck between being very white and very red. It ended up blotchy and orange. NOT good, if you were wearing sky blue pajamas, with little people flying around on them.  
  
(if you study art, and know the colour wheel, then shut up and stop laughing)  
  
"We were.uh.borrowing it to find you," stammered Hermione.  
  
"Yeah," Ron nodded his head vigorously. "Uh huh."  
  
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT THE DRUGS FROM SIRIUS!" gasped Harry.  
  
"Well.uh." Hermione wrung her hands nervously.  
  
"It was for your own good!" Ron blurted out. "You needed medication, and--- "  
  
"Hang on. Stop. Freeze," said Rachel. "If you're talking about MEDICATION, then Michelle  
  
*ow. Hit me again, Michelle, and I'll make you regret it for the rest of your miserable life*  
  
needs it more than Harry," she finished, after being attacked by Michelle.  
  
"You're all freaks!" shouted Artemis, backing away.  
  
Rachel struck a pose, and pointed up the stairs. "Run for the hills! The gorillas are back!" Then she scowled. "Or shall we say. MOUNTAIN TROLLS?"  
  
As if shot by a gun, Michelle turned on him, changing the pallor of his face to a very fascinating blue green. And black.  
  
"Get off me, you mad beast!" cried Artemis, trying unsuccessfully to shield his face with his hands.  
  
"The beast is loose!" said Rachel, who was watching.  
  
"I thought we were having a slumber party though," said Susie. "What's going on?"  
  
"Indeed you might ask that," said Snape, silkily, throwing off the Invisibility Cloak.  
  
"THAT'S SNAPE!" shouted Jess, pointing at him.  
  
*  
  
Talk about a bad cliffhanger. Seriously. Christina's really freaking me out. I'm very concerned about her mental state. She was just singing. Ahem. 'singing'. More like howling, actually. She's freaky. She's humming this psycho tune, whilst playing Icy Tower. Now she pretending to punch her laptop screen, with baby hands. I just told her I was recording what she was doing. She's not too happy. So, anonymous reviewer. Do you still like Christina? Because she's gone back to humming another tune. 'Stop Calling Me', by Shakaya. (I dunno how you spell it). 


	21. Stinky ol' Snape

Chapter 21  
  
Christina's still humming that song. Michelle just told me that she's got it stuck in her head.  
  
"Shut up, Christina, or I'm gonna murder you," is what she just told Christina.  
  
I feel trapped between two wars.  
  
"I mean, seriously, Christina. I'm gonna blast your head off and cut--- Christina, shut up. Or I'm gonna chop your head off and kill you. well.duh." Michelle wants a knife. She analysing how to kill Christina, now. she just called Christina a 'Gay asshole', because Christina ignored all her earlier warnings.  
  
PUT MY RUBBER DOWN, MICHELLE TSO! (She wanted to kill Christina with it).  
  
*  
  
"I would prefer Professor Snape," snapped the teacher.  
  
"Well you don't always get what you want," replied Rachel, curtly.  
  
"Otherwise you'll become spoiled," added Angeline, with a tart nod.  
  
Snape gaped at them, mouth dropping open, emitting a dreadful stench. The two girls gagged, choking.  
  
"Ew, gross!" said Rachel. "You SERIOUSLY need a mint. Or a tictac. Or if you're really poor, perhaps just chew a bit of parsley? Please?"  
  
"Yeah," Angeline looked quite disgusted at the sight of the long rows of mouldy teeth.  
  
"You really stink," said Katie, giggling.  
  
"Poof," said Leanne, waving her hand over her nose. Snape looked quite embarrassed, and he hastily shut his mouth.  
  
Artemis's multi-coloured face sudden became more green than ever, although he managed to maintain his snobbish pompous tone that would piss anyone off.  
  
"Professor, I do hope you know that if you shut your mouth like that, it will do nothing more than blow a stronger odour at everyone, because of the air pressure," he said.  
  
"Who's that?" asked Jess.  
  
"Oh, I know you!" exclaimed Claire. "You're Artemis Fowl, aren't you?"  
  
"Fifty points from Gryffindor, for shouting in the hall," said Snape.  
  
Rachel stepped away from the host of the stench, looking quite repulsed.  
  
"You know, they haven't even been Sorted yet," she told him, from a safe distance. "So you can't take any points away from them."  
  
"Fifty points from your house, then!" Snape rounded on her, eyes glittering with malice. "And fifty points from her house, too, for attacking a fellow student!"  
  
"One hundred points from Slytherin," Rachel nodded, proudly. "Cool. That'll leave Ravenclaw open victory. Thanks for DISSING YOUR OWN HOUSE, SNAPE!"  
  
"But---" realising what he had just done, Snape ran off, tripping on his robes and crashing, headfirst, into a wall. It knocked him unconscious.  
  
"Id," said Christina, snorting. ('id' does not mean ID. It's her shortened version of 'idiot').  
  
"Moron," sniggered Rachel.  
  
"My, that IS a sad man," said Artemis, shaking his head sadly.  
  
"You ARE Artemis Fowl!" cried Claire, obviously delighted.  
  
He cast a cool eye over her. "Indeed I am," he replied, coldly.  
  
On the stairs, Harry was fighting it out with Ron, while Hermione looked on, positively shocked.  
  
"Cool. I'm Claire, by the way, and that's Jess," Claire pointed at Jess, who was looking around with interest.  
  
"This is getting very confusing," said Susie, with a wry grin.  
  
At that instant, Alex looked up, and saw Ron.  
  
"So you're Ron!" she said, her eyes glazed. "Wow."  
  
"Ugh. Spare us," Rachel rolled her eyes.  
  
"My I know why you are all up at this unsightly hour?" asked Dumbledore, stepping down the stairs.  
  
This was Angeline's cue. "Well, Professor," she said, in her freakishly mature tone of voice. "You see, we were looking for you, to report another Basilisk attack."  
  
"Another victim?" Dumbledore looked shocked. "Where? Who?"  
  
"Professor Snape," replied Angeline, solemnly. "We heard hissing, and so we decided to see what we could do to help. But we arrived just in time to see the Basilisk slithering away, leaving behind.our Potions teacher."  
  
"We did?" asked Leanne. Michelle jarred her sharply in the ribs.  
  
"Yes," said Angeline, giving Leanne a meaningful look.  
  
"Oh! I get it!" screeched Christina. Everyone blocked their ears, and behind her, several windows shattered.  
  
"What do you get, Miss Hodkinson?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
"That joke that Rachel made on the train! That's so stupid!" Then, at the looks her friends were giving her, she added, "Remember? The one about Irish being stupid?"  
  
*I meant nothing by that joke, so anyone who's Irish, please calm down and put down that spear*  
  
"Well I am the living contradiction for that joke," said Artemis, angrily.  
  
Dumbledore looked quite disapproving. "Miss White," he said, sternly. "I would appreciate it if you did not make such racial comments about other people. Why, I myself am half Irish."  
  
"I rest my case," said Rachel, smiling sweetly. Dumbledore's face was as blank as a piece of paper.  
  
"Huh?" he said.  
  
"May I repeat that?" said Rachel. A blow to the left side of her face made her double over in pain. Artemis was breathing hard, clutching his fist.  
  
"How DARE you, you snobbish---" She stopped, then, lifting her own fist punched him in the face. Artemis was going to have a very interesting face in the morning. Well.afternoon.  
  
"Children, please!" said Dumbledore.  
  
"Children?" shouted Artemis. "CHILDREN?" he had finally cracked.  
  
"Get your glasses fixed, you ugly old geezer!" said Rachel.  
  
"Excuse ME!" gasped Dumbledore.  
  
"Uh.Professor?" said Angeline. "The body?"  
  
"Oh yes," nodded the Headmaster.  
  
"But." Michelle stared at the still body of Severus Snape. Rachel glanced at her, then at Angeline, and finally, raised her hand, twirling her finger round the side of her head. Michelle sniggered. But at that split second, Snape's face turned a deathly white, and his pulse slowed. Dumbledore rushed over to his staff, checking the man's wrist. It was icy, and clammy.  
  
When Dumbledore stood up again, his bright eyes were suspicious.  
  
"Miss Tan," he said, gravely. "Please repeat your alibi."  
  
"Alibi?" asked Angeline. "All I said was that we heard noises, then, coming down the stairs, we saw the disappearing tail of something. I think it must have been the Basilisk, because Snape was just lying there."  
  
"Oh really?" said Dumbledore. "Because if that was so, Severus Snape would have been Petrified for a good few minutes before you arrived."  
  
"Yes.?" Angeline nodded her head uncertainly.  
  
"But that is not so," continued Albus Dumbledore. "This man was Petrified half a minute ago."  
  
*  
  
Right. Please, please keep reviewing, and if you haven't reviewed yet, and are reading this, REVIEW! You should know how to review, because.well.obvious reasons, really. So PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ review. 


	22. We're Doomed

Chapter 22  
  
I'm begging you! Please find it in your hearts to just write one review for a poor, young Fanfic writer? Please?  
  
*  
  
"WHAT?" shrieked Christina. Harry and Ron stopped their fight on the stairs, and turned to stare at Dumbledore.  
  
"Then that means." stuttered Hermione. "The Basilisk was here recently?"  
  
"Ten out of ten, Miss Granger," nodded Dumbledore.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! " screamed Christina, running around in circles, and waving her hands in the air. Rachel winced, placing her hands gingerly over her throbbing ears. Angeline followed suit, as had Artemis.  
  
"Shut up, Christina," muttered Michelle, somehow immune to her friend's shrieks.probably because she always had to listen to them close up, after causing them all the time, by mauling her.hmm. Something to ponder on a rainy day.  
  
"Shut up, Christina," said Stephanie.  
  
"Um.Christina, could you please quieten down a bit?" asked Harry, not wanting to insult the girl. Your guess is as good as mine, seeing as to why anyone wouldn't want to insult Christina. Perhaps he was afraid that she would make him clean more bedpans? E-)  
  
"Just tell her to shut up!" shouted Rachel, trying to be heard over the racket Christina was making.  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU ANNOYING BITCH!" shouted Artemis.  
  
"He's been hanging round us too much," Michelle told Rachel, in the silence that followed.  
  
"Definitely," nodded Rachel.  
  
Christina looked very hurt. "What did you call me?" she asked, bottom lip quivering.  
  
From the look on Harry's face, Rachel knew that naturally, a fight would follow. And it wouldn't be very good to have a fight in front of their new Headmaster.  
  
"Bertie Botts every flavour beans," she told the man.  
  
"Coffee," smiled Dumbledore. "Pineapple, cigarettes," he giggled. "They have cigarette flavoured beans too, you know? I love those.nicorette, too, if you get hooked on the cigarette flavoured ones. Raspberry, coke, spider, lentil, spinach."  
  
"Huh?" Michelle stared at him.  
  
"You can fight now," Rachel told Harry. He didn't need a second bidding. Flinging himself down from the stairs, he grabbed Artemis, catching the other boy in a headlock.  
  
"How dare you call her a.a." he didn't dare say the word.  
  
"Bitch?" Michelle supplied. She was like a vending machine for swear words.  
  
"Yes," Harry nodded, tightening his grip, lest Artemis sense any weakness.  
  
"You're a dorking, Harry Potter," said Rachel.  
  
"What?" said Harry, letting go for a split second. In that second, Artemis wriggled loose, landing a punch on his face. Butler had done well.  
  
"Dorking. A five-toed English chicken," said Rachel. "Geddit? You've got five toes.well, at least I HOPE you've got five toes, as does Christina, you're British, and you're a chicken. Not the chicken kind of chicken. Not the fowl kind. The Fowl kind, maybe, because he's a human too. The yellow- bellied kind. Like a wuss. The kind of person who's afraid of his own shadow. You're a dork, too."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Angeline was doubled over, laughing. Rachel began to have fears for her health. If she laughed any harder, she was sure that Angeline's lungs would come up.  
  
"Uh.Angeline?" she said, uncertainly. "It wasn't that funny."  
  
"NO!" hooted Angeline, between peals of laughter. "IT'S ALEX!"  
  
Rachel glanced up, then, seeing the star-struck look at her friend, Alexandra's face, she too began coughing up her lungs.  
  
"AND I THOUGH CHRISTINA WAS BAD!" she laughed.  
  
"Go, Harry!" cheered Christina, jumping around. "You can win!"  
  
"Okay.I KNEW Christina was bad," said Rachel. "But.Alex?"  
  
"The genius?" said Angeline. Rachel snorted, lifting a brow.  
  
"Oh yeah. Like you can talk," she said.  
  
"Uh.a little help, here, please?" whimpered Harry. Somehow, Artemis had managed to judge the time, distance, and amount of pressure he would need to use to pull the older boy to his knees. Unsurprisingly, it had worked.  
  
"Oh goody," cackled Michelle, gleefully, rubbing her hands together in anticipation. Then, flinging herself through the air, she landed hard, on the two boys.  
  
"Oof," said Harry, all the air exploding out of his lungs.  
  
"Kill, kill, kill!" squealed Michelle, punching every bit of person she could lay her hands on. "Haha! No more Harry Potter! No more Artemis Fowl! Kill them all!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" wailed Christina, throwing her hands dramatically up in the air. "DON'T KILL HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"KILL HARRY!" shouted Alex. "THEN RON WILL GET ALL THE GLORY!"  
  
"Oh yeah," nodded Ron, thoughtfully. "Kill the rotter!"  
  
"BUT ROOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN!" bellowed Harry, from beneath the two bodies. "I'M YOUR BEST FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND! DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?!"  
  
Ron paused, frowning. You could practically hear the cogs grinding in his head. Then. "Nope."  
  
"Ron, Ron, Ron," sobbed Christina. "My beloved is being crushed under a girl who makes noises like a constipated rat, and a genius vampire! DO SOMETHING!"  
  
"Okay," shrugged Ron. Then he flung himself on top of Michelle.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!!!!!!!!!!" wheezed Harry, a faint red mist enveloping his vision.  
  
"Killing you faster," explained Ron. "I'm your friend, so I won't let you suffer any longer than you need to, but think straight, Harry, old pal. I want to be a hero, too."  
  
"AAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" With an inhuman cry Christina charged at the stack of people, her head lowered, like a billy goat's. "GET OFF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she struck the pile with a force that surprised even Michelle, who went flying through the air, before smashing into the wall.  
  
"Cool, Christina!" said Ron, as he was whizzing past the pillars.  
  
"Ron!" cried Alex, dashing under him, and catching the boy.  
  
"Thanks," said Ron. Alex blushed.  
  
"Oh it was nothing," she giggled.  
  
"Alex?" laughed Angeline.  
  
Artemis groaned, the fire of the fight fading fast. "Ow," he moaned, miserably, as he lay, hunched against one of the marble pillars in the room.  
  
"Green apple, butterscotch, cookies 'n cream, salt 'n vinegar, roast chicken, barbecue," said Dumbledore, still listing the flavours of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. "Gooseberries."  
  
"But what about the Basilisk?" screeched Leanne.  
  
"Is it still in here?" asked Katie, looking around nervously. "Because if it is, it won't dare mess with a gymnast!"  
  
"Yum," said Michelle, sitting against the wall, her eyes glazed. "I wonder what Basilisk tastes like."  
  
"I could use it for a beam," continued Katie. "I bet no one else has one."  
  
"A BASILISK IS A SNAKE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Stephanie. Everyone looked at the amiable girl in surprise. Stephanie was usually quiet and friendly.  
  
"Stephanie, you've been reading that new book, haven't you?" said Rachel, frowning. "Mandagora?"  
  
"YES, FOR A MATTER OF FACT, I HAVE! WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?" snapped Stephanie. Eerie echoes of her voice rang through the hall. The sound seemed to shake Stephanie from her vicious state, and she covered her face with her hands.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said, quietly. "It was just.so scary that I had to.fight back.I didn't mean it."  
  
"That's okay," said Alex, dropping Ron and rushing over to pat her friend's shoulder. There was a loud 'SMACK' as Ron landed on the cold, stone floor.  
  
"My back," he moaned. "My back."  
  
Instantly, Alex was at his side, concern on her face.  
  
"Are you okay?" she simpered.  
  
"I think I broke my back," rasped Ron, staring up past the ceiling. "I think YOU broke my back."  
  
And where was Dumbledore when you needed him?  
  
"Mm.vanilla."  
  
Rachel looked hopelessly at the body of Severus Snape, then at Ron, with his face ghastly white, and then at Dumbledore.  
  
"If that's the only wizard Voldermort fears," she said, sadly. "Then I don't think we have much of a chance."  
  
*  
  
REVIEW, REVIEW, AND PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ REVIEW. 


	23. Melodic Michelle

Chapter 23  
  
Chappie 23! (duh) Okay, I'm writing this in class, while I'm meant to be doing a project.sigh. I guess I'm going to have to catch up later. Well, read, and enjoy!  
  
*  
  
"My dear girl, did you just say 'Voldermort'?" beamed Dumbledore, stopping at last.  
  
"Uh huh," nodded Rachel.  
  
"Ron thinks he broke his back!" called Alex. The boy winced.  
  
"Don't shout," he begged. "My ears hurt."  
  
"Well too bad for you," snapped Rachel.  
  
"That's not very nice," said Hermione, frowning disapprovingly.  
  
"Do I care?" drawled the girl, eyeing the other girl coldly.  
  
"Wow. That's Dumbledore, right?" chattered Claire, excitedly.  
  
"Naw.ya think?" snorted Rachel.  
  
"That's what you always say," laughed Stephanie, her voice once again warm and happy. Michelle shuddered.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she moaned. "I ALMOST had a friend."  
  
"Ahem?" Angeline crossed her arms, tapping the toe of her foot on the ground. Rachel shook her head, grinning.  
  
"Poor nigel," she said. "You don't have any friends."  
  
"Yeah," said Michelle.  
  
"What am I, then?" asked Stephanie, looking hurt.  
  
"Do you REALLY, REALLY want to know?" asked Rachel. Stephanie glared at her.  
  
"Humph," she growled.  
  
"Come along, then, children," said Dumbledore, briskly. "None of you should be here, especially if you heard suspicious noises. You should come to me, immediately, if you suspect there is a Basilisk somewhere. Now, all of you go to your dormitories. Now."  
  
He looked so stern, that Rachel almost considered what she had said before, about them being doomed. Then, shrugging, she snatched the bag of Kettle chips from the ground, and ran up the stairs, laughing gleefully.  
  
"Hey! Those are mine!" cried Amelia, dashing after her. "Give them back!"  
  
"Just go with the flow," chuckled Angeline. "Just go with the flow."  
  
"Huh? Come on, Harry! Let's go!" sniffed Christina, grabbing the boy's arm and dragging him up the stairs.  
  
"What? Woah!" Harry stumbled, as he passed Ron. "Are you okay?" he asked the boy.  
  
"Oh how sweet," giggled Christina, batting her eyelashes. "Of COURSE I'm okay. Now, come on, before they lock us out."  
  
"I didn't mean you!" protested Harry. "I meant Ron. Ron! Can you hear me?" Christina ignored his shouts, and dragged him away, up the stairs. In truth, she wanted to get the chips from Rachel. Honey baked Ham. Her favourite flavour.  
  
Slowly, the rest of the party trooped after them, hoping that their Headmaster wouldn't take any points off their houses.  
  
Finally, only Claire, Jess, Snape, Ron, and Dumbledore remained.  
  
"Tut tut," the man sighed, shaking his head. "So noisy. What a rambunctious group of students." And with that said, he waved his wand, levitating both Ron and Snape. "That's two teachers gone. I do hope Remus hurries."  
  
"Um.sir?" asked Jess. "What about us?"  
  
"Yeah, where do we go? What are we doing here? Is this really Hogwarts?" Claire chimed in.  
  
"Yes, this is Hogwarts, I cannot remember your other questions, and I don't know what you're doing here. Strange," muttered Dumbledore. "I can't feel any magic around you two, either."  
  
"Magic?" whooped Claire. "Cool! This IS Hogwarts!"  
  
"Shh," giggled Jess, nudging her friend in the ribs.  
  
"Well, I guess you can help out with muggle studies, until I can find a suitable spell to send you two muggles back," shrugged Dumbledore.  
  
"Okay," nodded Claire. "Cool. Hey wait for me, Michelle!"  
  
"Slow down, Christina!" shouted Jess, running after her friends. (she does NOT mean the real Christina. It's her nickname for Michelle, and it annoys Michelle nonstop. I have NO idea why she calls Michelle that. I wasn't there when the joke was cracked, but yeah. There you have it).  
  
"Professor?" groaned Ron. "IS my back broken?"  
  
"I don't know, but Madam Pomfrey will. Now, hold still, and shut your eyes. I needn't tell you that, Severus. When you open your eyes, you will be in the hospital wing. Understand?" replied Dumbledore.  
  
"Yeah, sure," nodded Ron. And he did as he was told.  
  
*  
  
In the morning.  
  
6:30am Gryffindor bedroom  
  
"I feel sick," whimpered Christina, rolling around on her bed.  
  
"Do you?" asked Sarah, sympathetically. "Poor you."  
  
"It's probably from all those chips you ate," giggled Amelia.  
  
"Serves you right," added Louisa.  
  
"Don't be so mean," scolded Sarah. Susie had already climbed out of her bed to inspect Christina.  
  
"Well, if you don't feel better soon, you won't be able to watch Harry during Quidditch practise," she told her friend.  
  
"WHAT?" screeched Christina, leaping out of her bed. "I BAGS FIRST SHOWER! GET OUT OF MY WAY, EVERYONE! MY LOVE NEEDS ME!"  
  
"Need I ask who you're talking about?" groaned Katie.  
  
"NO!" cackled Christina, slamming the shower door. "HAHA!"  
  
"That girl had something wrong with her," sighed Katie.  
  
6:30am Ravenclaw bedroom  
  
"Hey, Angeline," said Stephanie.  
  
"Go 'way," groaned Angeline, her voice muffled by the pillow over her head. "I need sleep to function."  
  
"Wake her up!" shouted Alex, throwing a pillow at Angeline's huddled shape.  
  
"No!" shrieked Angeline, but it was too late. She was awake.  
  
"I wonder if Victoria's better already," said Stephanie. "I hope she's better. Today's the Quidditch trials."  
  
"Oh?" said Angeline. Then, she got up, rubbing her eyes. "Well, I'll go for the tryouts. Oliver will be SOOOOOOOOOO proud of me, once I get on that cleaning item."  
  
"Ugh," Stephanie flopped back onto the bed, picking up the book she had been reading before.  
  
"You guys are boring," complained Alex. "Ron is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much cuter than Oliver."  
  
"He is not!" snapped Angeline, angrily. "Oliver has the DREAMIEST eyes. They see right through you---"  
  
"Michelle can do that," giggled Stephanie. "She can let EVERYONE see through you. She'll just punch a hole right through---"  
  
"Stephanie," said Angeline, sternly. "Put that book down at once."  
  
Sighing, Stephanie obeyed. "Sorry," she said, meekly.  
  
"That's okay, Stephanie," said Alex. "IF you say that Ron is cuter than Oliver. I mean, it's SO obvious. Oliver's ugly. He's boring, too. He doesn't have any freckles."  
  
"Huh!" snorted Angeline. "Those freckles make Ron look like he's been rolling in the dirt. He's SO ugly. Oliver, however." she sighed, smiling.  
  
Rolling her eyes, Stephanie grabbed her clothes and headed into the shower, before either of her friends could protest. However, she needn't have worried, as the two other girls were too busy daydreaming about 'cute boys' to bother getting up."  
  
6:30am Slytherin bedroom  
  
Rachel had a very strange dream. She was walking through a park, when all of a sudden, there was an earthquake, and a tree fell on her.  
  
"MICHELLE TSO!!!!!!!!!!!" she shrieked, leaping up. "I'LL KILL YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!!!!!! NEVER EVER WAKE ME UP LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Giggling, Michelle dashed into the shower. "It's Quidditch trials today," she informed her friend, before slamming the door.  
  
"SO? WE'RE ALREADY IN!!!!!!!" snapped Rachel, fuming. Michelle was even worse than her brother was! The insolent girl had seized the moment that Rachel was asleep, to bounce on her bed. Unfortunately, Michelle didn't care whether she jumped on the mattress that Rachel was sleeping on, or Rachel herself. She had stumbled, falling heavily on the older girl, and Rachel could taste blood in her mouth. She had cut her mouth on the jagged pieces of the metal that was stuck to her teeth. (I dunno what you call them. They're kinda like braces, and there's bits of metal stuck to your teeth)  
  
"YOU LANDED ON THE STUPID METAL STUFF IN MY MOUTH, YOU FREAKING IDIOT!!!!!" she screeched at the shower door. Michelle's revised version of 'Playschool' greeted her.  
  
~ There's a bear in there ~  
  
~ and an electric chair ~  
  
~ there's people with AIDS ~  
  
~ and hand grenades ~  
  
~ open wide ~  
  
~ commit suicide ~  
  
~ it's gay school ~  
  
"That's pathetic!" shouted Rachel. "I can do WAY better!" And she launched into her own version of 'Dashing through the Snow'. (you might want to sing this at Christmas)  
  
~ Santa pulled a gun ~  
  
~ on reindeer number one ~  
  
~ he stabbed a hole right through ~  
  
~ reindeer number two ~  
  
~ and reindeer number three ~  
  
~ he drowned it in the sea ~  
  
~ and all the other reindeer fled, 'cause they drank Lipton tea ~  
  
"WHAT?" screeched Michelle. Rachel smirked at the door, and blew a raspberry.  
  
"Take THAT, retarded smarty pants!" she crowed.  
  
"SHUT UP DOWN THERE, WILL YOU?!!!!!!!!" shouted someone in another room.  
  
"This isn't how you always wake up, is it?" moaned Artemis, who was in the room opposite.  
  
"YUP!" shouted Rachel, thinking, 'well, if you can't beat em, join em'. The boy groaned again.  
  
*  
  
If anyone wants to review, feel free to do so. If anyone DOESN'T want to review ~ they're coming for you ~ Oh yeah. And to anonymous reviewer, whoever you are, Lupin's kinda too old for her, she doesn't mind Artemis, and if Draco likes her, there will be a protest by the other people who like Draco, and I don't fancy getting killed so soon. 


	24. The Rising of Victoria

Chapter 24  
  
Review!  
  
*  
  
"Hi, Oliver!" cooed Angeline, as she stepped onto the Quidditch field. "How do you feel today?"  
  
"Like crap," replied the young man, rubbing sleep from his eyes.  
  
'We're so perfect for each other', thought Angeline, as she watched him go about setting up the hoops. 'Why, I think that's what I just did, earlier on. Rub my eyes, that is'.  
  
"Oh," Angeline put on a sympathetic face, and nodded. "How come?"  
  
"I had a late night," explained Oliver, as he went about his duties.  
  
"Oh? Same," nodded Angeline. She had a sudden feeling of déjà vu, as she thought, 'we have so much in common. We're soulmates, that's what'.  
  
Suddenly, she was aware that Oliver was talking to her. "Pardon, what?" she asked.  
  
"I SAID, you look like you suffered from the same thing as me," repeated Oliver, jerking his head at the shadows under Angeline's eyes.  
  
"Yeah," nodded Angeline, grinning wryly. "My roommates are very boisterous."  
  
"Huh?" grunted Oliver. "What's 'boisterous'?"  
  
But just as Angeline was about to reply, Michelle appeared.  
  
"Hi, Mr. Wood," she said, happily. "I'm not really---"  
  
"Sure how to play? Well, being the Beater, all your have to do is swing the bat at a bludger, and Bob's your uncle," explained Oliver. Michelle scowled, clenching her fists.  
  
"You leave Uncle Bob out of this!" she yelled, angrily. "Or d'you wanna die?"  
  
Oliver looked quite taken aback. Angeline was clutching onto his arm, laughing hysterically.  
  
"Uncle Bob! You idiot! Hahaha!" she hooted.  
  
Shaking his head sadly, Oliver freed his arm.  
  
10:30am Corridor  
  
"This is crazy," muttered Stephanie, as she crept into the destroyed greenhouse.  
  
"Well do you want Victoria to get better or don't you?" snapped Rachel, grabbing the half-empty bucket of pus. "Come on."  
  
Sighing, Stephanie followed her out. A few minutes later, they were in the hospital wing.  
  
"Open wide, Vicky-toria," chuckled Rachel, tipping the contents of the bucket into her friend's open mouth. A few seconds later, her friend sat up straight, coughing and spluttering  
  
"What the hell is that?" she shrieked. "That's the most---Oh cool. I'm in a hospital bed."  
  
Stephanie took one look at her friend's puzzled face, and burst into noisy sobs. "Victoria!" she sniffed. "You're alright!"  
  
"Duh she's alright," snorted Rachel. "Now come on."  
  
"Huh? What?" said Victoria. "Why?"  
  
"Quidditch trials, of course. You were jabbering non-stop about the Quidditch trials, the whole train-ride. I may be mean, but I'm not THAT mean," replied Rachel, shortly. "Now come on."  
  
"But Rachel...." protested Victoria. She jerked her head in the direction of the sleeping boy. "What about him?"  
  
"What about him?" said Stephanie, looking puzzled.  
  
"Oh yeah. Sarah'll be overjoyed if she sees him," nodded Rachel, sloshing the remainder of the pus into Malfoy's open mouth. Seconds later, he was choking, and thrashing around wildly.  
  
"DISGUSTING!" he shouted. "ABSOLUTELY---" he stopped and looked at the three girls. "What are you all doing here, goody-two-shoe mudbloods?" he hissed, hoping that he hadn't said anything in his sleep.  
  
"Ooh two in one," said Victoria, referring to his term. Rachel ignored both of them, and grabbing the boy by his collar, dragged him out of the bed.  
  
"Come on, Sleeping Ugly," she said. "It's the Quidditch trials. Do well, get in, and be nice to Sarah."  
  
"QUIDDITCH TRIALS? OUT OF MY WAY, YOU MORONIC MUDBLOODS!" screeched Malfoy, tearing out of the hospital wing, as if he had just caught on fire.  
  
"And that's gratitude for you," sniffed Rachel. "Let's go."  
  
"OH! I wanna be a Seeker!" shouted Victoria, dashing after Malfoy.  
  
Rachel stood there, hands akimbo, tapping her foot. "Gratitude, gratitude," she said. "Tut tut."  
  
"Come on or WE'LL be late," replied Stephanie, dragging her after the disappearing figures of the recently bed-ridden Quidditch enthusiasts.  
  
10:50am Quidditch Field  
  
"This is INCREDIBLE!" beamed Victoria, flying through another hoop with Michelle. "I LOVE this!"  
  
And speaking of love, down below, a boy was gazing up into the air, his mouth wide open, as he stared up at the two girls. Which one he was looking at was unidentified, but his eyes were glazed, and he looked positively delighted. As Rachel glanced down at the ground, she decided that it must be Michelle. It was fairly obvious that, like her and many of her other friends, he was longing for the broom she was seated on to give way, sending her crashing down to earth....through the crust....through the Upper Mantle....etc, until she was finally blasted back up into space, by an underground volcano.  
  
Rachel smiled. It would certainly be a lovely thing to happen. The ideal VERY LATE but very good birthday present.  
  
"YAHOO!" whooped Michelle, as she deftly avoided a bludger.  
  
"I thought you got over that a long time ago!" Rachel shouted at her.  
  
"Huh?" Michelle skidded to an abrupt halt beside her friend, eyes shining with excitement, face flushed, and hair in a messy tangle. As usual. Rachel decided against asking whether Michelle had gotten into an argument with a doctor when she was young, causing the man to drop her on her head. Instead, she muttered, "It was a joke. You know? Yahoo?"  
  
"OHHHHHHH!" laughed Michelle, not really hearing the joke, and just laughing because she was completely mad. "That's funny." Then, with Victoria at her heels, she zoomed off, a bludger making contact with her head at last. There was a dull 'thunk' as it struck her, and a second dull 'thunk' as she slammed her fist into it, sending the bludger into orbit. Rachel shielded her eyes, watching the bludger grow smaller and smaller and smaller, until finally, there was a soft 'pop' and a miniature explosion, as the ball crashed into the sun.  
  
Oliver, who had been watching, looked very impressed. "Very good, Michelle!" he called up at her. "Only, you're meant to hit it with the bat instead!"  
  
Michelle looked down at the piece of broken wood in her hand. She had smashed it on the goal posts a few minutes ago, when she flew into it. Well, actually, it was more like, she flew into the goal post (I don't know how), and in her rage, which inevitably followed, swung the bat as hard as she could, into the post. The bat had broken in half, and Michelle was forced to punch away the other bludgers.  
  
"I BROKE MY BAT!" she hollered back down, at Oliver. "THEY'RE STUPID AND FLIMSY!"  
  
Oliver started. "WHAT?" he shouted. "BUT YOU MANAGED TO...."  
  
"Deflect?" offered Angeline, who was standing beside him.  
  
"YES, DEFLECT THE OTHER BLUDGERS!" continued Oliver.  
  
Michelle held her hand up, and wiggled her fingers. Then, clenching her hand into a fist, she cracked her knuckles loudly. Oliver understood.  
  
"You have a very scary friend," he told Angeline, solemnly.  
  
"I know," nodded Angeline, understandingly. "She's so intimidating that it's not funny."  
  
Oliver decided against asking her what 'intimidating' meant. There were other things to attend to. "Fowl!" he hollered at the tiny dot in the air. "What are you doing up there?"  
  
Artemis cringed. "Watching my life flash by," he murmured, sadly.  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
"Oh," Oliver scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Alright then! White, what are YOU doing?"  
  
"PLAYING HOPSCOTCH!" snapped Rachel, her tongue sharpened by the hate of heights. "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?"  
  
"I don't know," replied Oliver.  
  
"She's just sarcastic," laughed Angeline, seeing the bemused expression of Oliver's face. "Trust me. She's so sarcastic that---"  
  
"It's not funny," finished Oliver, wearily. It appeared to be the girl's motto. Sigh.  
  
"Yup," nodded Angeline. Then she laughed. "However did you guess?"  
  
"I have no idea," mumbled Oliver. "I have no idea at all."  
  
*  
  
Hmm.the end of another chapter. Right, well I'd just like to say that I want more reviews, PLEASE. Because....well....I really like reading them, and so....yeah. 


	25. killed by a...TOOTHPICK?!

Chapter 25  
  
*  
  
"Michelle," breathed Neville, smiling. "What a pretty name. What a pretty girl."  
  
"What did you say?" demanded Ginny, sharply.  
  
"Nothing," stammered Neville, going red. "Nothing at all."  
  
"Hmm...." said Ginny, disbelievingly.  
  
"THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOO COOL!" called Victoria, as she did a figure eight round Stephanie. Her friend nodded, smiling.  
  
"Watch out for the---"  
  
Victoria flew, headfirst, into the Gryffindor stands.  
  
"Stands," finished Stephanie.  
  
Amelia almost died of shock, when, all of a sudden, a small, grinning face appeared at her feet.  
  
"Hi Amelia!" grinned Victoria.  
  
"AHHH! Headless person!!" shouted Amelia, leaping up in terror.  
  
"What?" Louisa leaned down, then, upon seeing Victoria's face, leapt out of the stands and began running....and running....and running, until she was out of sight.  
  
"What's up with her?" giggled Victoria, freeing herself from the bits of wood that were stuck around her. Amelia started screaming. A head was enough, but two hands? When she finally pulled her head back through the stands, Victoria dusted her hands through her hair, shaking out little chips of wood. To her great discomfort, there appeared to be a splinter lodged up her left nostril.  
  
"Come on, Arnotts!" said Michelle, coming up behind her.  
  
"AHH!" Victoria, who had been removing the splinter started, and her hand twitched, jamming the splinter only further up her nose. "OW!"  
  
"Haha," cackled Michelle, sweeping off. (Geddit? SWEEPING? She's on a broomstick? Lame, I know, but I just saw the pun after I typed it).  
  
"So agile," sighed Neville. Ginny scowled.  
  
"She's a menace," she replied, tightly.  
  
"Oliver's calling the positions now!" Michelle called back, to Victoria.  
  
"AH!" The girl's hand shook again, and she blinked hard, as her eyes began watering with pain. "YOU IDIOT!" she screeched. Then, she felt a sudden itching at the back of her throat, and she coughed. The splinter flew out of her mouth. With a strangled cry, Fred Weasley dropped from his broom, a splinter buried deep in his neck. Practise was over.  
  
Fred Weasley was dead.  
  
*  
  
Really sorry I have to end this chapter here, but....yeah. Please review. 


	26. Aggravating Madam Pomfrey

Chapter 26  
  
*  
  
"How?" sobbed Angelina. "How did he die?"  
  
"Well, his neck appears to be broken in several places," said Madam Pomfrey. "But I believe that the cause for Fred Weasley's death was really in this." She held up a splinter.  
  
"What?" shrieked Angelina. "My boyfriend is dead because of a SPLINTER?"  
  
"Yes," the nurse nodded. "It was buried deep in his neck, and struck his jugular vein. It was fired with some force, too."  
  
"But he was SUCH a caring boy," sniffed Angelina. "How could a little splinter kill him? It was MURDER!" she screeched the last word. "I will get REVENGE! No one murders my boyfriend and gets away with it!"  
  
Victoria, who was standing nearby paled, and edged away nervously. However, because of the movement, Angelina noticed her, and seizing the younger girl by the scruff of her neck, begged, "And you'll help me, won't you? Justice will be served!"  
  
Angeline nodded, not knowing that the 'murderer' had been her friend, Victoria. "I'll be your lawyer," she offered.  
  
"Huh?" Angelina stared at her.  
  
"Angeline Tan," Angeline put her hand forward, for the older girl to shake.  
  
"Angelina," replied the girl. "I won't tell you my last name, because whoever killed, no, MURDERED Fred would probably want to kill me too. To silence me, I suppose."  
  
"Indeed," said Angeline.  
  
"Indeed?" snorted Artemis. "There's no need to become overtaken by paranoia, just because that redheaded moron's dead."  
  
Meanwhile, Malfoy was gleefully giving his own version of what had happened. "And then he swerved, like this---" he swooned. "And landed on the ground. And what killed the stupid git? A TOOTHPICK! Hahahahahaha!"  
  
"Don't be mean," said Sarah, reprovingly. "Fred Weasley's dead."  
  
Beside his late twin's still body, George was weeping, tears streaming down his face.  
  
"My twin!" he sobbed. "My brother! My own flesh and blood! My---"  
  
"There, there," said Angelina, patting his shoulder. "He was my boyfriend, and I vow to HUNT DOWN THE BASTARD WHO KILLED HIM."  
  
"Language," tutted Madam Pomfrey.  
  
"Aw shut ya gob, you ugly witch!" snapped Rachel. "And I mean the 'hag' kind, not the 'pretty' kind."  
  
"But I don't eat children," began the nurse, angrily. Several students began screaming loudly, and trying to roll out of their beds.  
  
"Well you certainly hang around the dead and dying enough," Rachel pointed out. The nurse sniffed, and threw down a roll of bandages. Rachel looked around at the students, then flicked her eyes back down to the bandages on the ground.  
  
"Don't you wonder if she does that all the time?" she asked, innocently flinging her hand in the air. Her finger ended up, pointing at a stricken boy with a wad of bandages on his arm.  
  
"This madhouse is DEFINITELY in need of some disinfectant," said Angeline, sniffing the air, before wrinkling her nose delicately.  
  
"It stinks," added Alex. It was the final touch to a brilliant play.  
  
"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!" shrieked Madam Pomfrey. "FIRST OF ALL, YOU, VICTORIA, ARE MEANT TO BE IN BED, PETRIFIED! SECONDLY, MR. DRACO MALFOY IS ALSO MEANT TO BE IN BED, PETRIFIED! THIRDLY, THIS HOSPITAL IS VERY CLEAN! AND FOURTHLY---"  
  
"Is there such thing?" muttered Michelle. Angeline shrugged. "I think so," she said.  
  
"But Nurse Whatever," said Rachel, soothingly. "We're ALL petrified, now. You can be very intimidating sometimes, you know?"  
  
The nurse turned a dreadful crimson, then, whirling on her heel, stormed out of the hospital. Well....that's probably what she WOULD have done, had she not skidded on the slippery floor, whilst 'turning on her heel'.  
  
Madam Pomfrey got up, and finally, stormed out, amidst much laughter, and jeering.  
  
Dumbledore's Office  
  
"NEVER AGAIN!" screamed Madam Pomfrey. "AM I GOING BACK, TO HELP THOSE--- THOSE---LITTLE---"  
  
(censored, but if you want a clue, Michelle would be quite impressed by the next words)  
  
"Poppy!" gasped Dumbledore. "Such language!"  
  
"OH GO BOIL YOUR HEAD, YOU MISERABLE OLD CABBAGE!" screeched the distraught nurse. Dumbledore looked quite taken aback.  
  
"Sorry," murmured Madam Pomfrey, reclaiming her temper. "It's just those AWFUL scholarships from Australia."  
  
"I know," Dumbledore nodded understandingly. "But they DO seem to be fairly apt with those substitute wands. Just imagine the spells they could do with REAL wands, though."  
  
"Or damage," muttered Madam Pomfrey.  
  
* 


	27. Sarcasm Strikes Again

Chapter 27  
  
*  
  
"Well?" demanded Victoria, excitedly. "Did I get in?"  
  
Oliver regarded her through weary eyes. "I don't know, and I don't care," he replied, miserably.  
  
"Yes," admonished Angeline, rushing to his defence immediately. "Poor Fred's dead."  
  
Michelle giggled. "That rhymes," she said.  
  
All eyes turned to her.  
  
"Kinda," squeaked Michelle, lowering her eyes.  
  
~ Fred is dead ~  
  
~ a splinter in his head ~  
  
~ Fred, Fred, Fred ~  
  
~ Dead, dead, dead ~  
  
~ A splinter lodged in his neck as such ~  
  
~ the food at the funeral was not much ~  
  
~ Fred, Fred, Fred ~  
  
~ Dead, dead, dead ~ sang Rachel. Instantly, she felt hostile eyes on her.  
  
"Shame on you, Michelle!" she scolded. "You shouldn't make up such awful ditties."  
  
"Ditties?" asked Christina.  
  
"Ditty: A short, simple song," began Angeline.  
  
"Victoria: A short, simple girl," said Rachel.  
  
"Hey!" Victoria reached up and clouted her friend. Hard.  
  
Rachel glared furiously at the other girl. "You should be glad I didn't say anything else, you annoying little...." she stopped, trying to think of an insult that would not cause her anymore pain. "Cow." She finally decided.  
  
"WHAT?" shouted Victoria. Stephanie doubled over with laughter.  
  
"Hey, hey," said Rachel, holding her hands in front of her face. "Don't have a cow just because I called you a cow, you cow."  
  
The silence that followed was worse than the earlier rabble.  
  
Finally, Angeline spoke. "Where's Artemis?" she asked, looking around in surprise, for the criminal mastermind.  
  
"And Elspeth?" added Michelle, frowning.  
  
"I don't know and I don't care," shrugged Rachel.  
  
Angeline glared at the girl. "Elspeth's a very nice girl, you know," she said, disapprovingly. "And Artemis is a very intelligent boy."  
  
Rachel shrugged again, and appeared sunk in thought. Suddenly, she gasped.  
  
"He's going to rob Gringotts!"  
  
Unfortunately, this did not get the reaction she had been expecting.  
  
Several of her friends screwed up their faces, and the other half sniggered.  
  
"Yeah, sure," chortled Louisa. "Like he's going to manage it."  
  
"Gringotts?" asked Leanne. Victoria could practically see the question marks drifting above her 'friend's' head.  
  
"The wizard bank!" she cried in exasperation.  
  
Angeline blinked. "Excuse me?" she asked.  
  
"You're excused you moronic, useless piece of trash!" snapped Rachel, venting out her frustration on the other girl.  
  
"Don't be so mean," said Vanessa, who had been keeping very quiet. "You're so rude, Rachel."  
  
"Whoever said I wasn't?" replied Rachel, sardonically. Vanessa just gave her the evil eye. Michelle snorted in contempt. She didn't approve of giving people the 'evil eye'. She preferred to give people the 'black eye'.  
  
"OH! I GET IT!" Suddenly, Christina burst out laughing. Rachel lifted a questioning brow.  
  
"THAT'S SO STUPID!" laughed Christina. Only she pronounced it 'stoopid'. I have no idea why, and neither does the rest of the world.  
  
"Ugh," groaned Katie. Angeline sighed, and looked away.  
  
"I don't know her," said Rachel, averting her eyes from the picture of chaotic mental disorder that was unfolding itself in front of her very eyes.  
  
"Neither do I," laughed Michelle, grimacing slightly, and covering her eyes with her hands.  
  
"I hope it's not contagious," said Victoria, eyeing Christina nervously.  
  
Stephanie began backing away carefully.  
  
"Shut up, Christina," said Angeline, trying unsuccessfully, to be heard over the hysteric peals of laughter that were being emitted by the younger girl.  
  
Oliver eyed the group with distaste.  
  
"Now I know why Artemis left," whispered Victoria. Soon, Stephanie, was also laughing.  
  
"You're (hahahaha) so (heehee) mean (ahahaha), Victoria!" she giggled.  
  
*Yes, Stephanie. GIGGLED. I know you and Victoria do not approve of the term 'giggle', and I am also aware of the fact that neither of you believe that you do this, but trust me. You do. Occasionally*  
  
"Always laughing whenever there's death around," spat Oliver, angrily.  
  
"Er....yeah, that's about right," nodded Rachel. Sarcasm always managed to show its cutting face whenever she was around. Surprise, surprise.  
  
"Hey, isn't that what Ron said in 4th year, when he wanted to take a girl with a nose dead-centre to the Yule Ball?" asked Victoria.  
  
"Aw naw," said Rachel.  
  
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," said Angeline, taking on her mature tone of voice again. Oliver smiled at her, warmly.  
  
"No it's not. Christina is," replied Rachel, tartly.  
  
"Huh?" Christina stopped laughing to look at her.  
  
"What?" giggled Leanne. Who DEFINITELY DOES giggle.  
  
"MY TWIN BROTHER IS DEAD!" began George, his face contort with fury.  
  
"You don't say," muttered Rachel.  
  
"THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS---"  
  
"Chip in for the funeral?" said Rachel, under her breath.  
  
"SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!" finished George.  
  
"Nope," shrugged Rachel, nonchalantly. "Tried it before. Didn't like it. Never done it ever since."  
  
The look of ice she got from all the Gryffindors was enough to burn a hole in the ground. There must have been more venom in that look than there was in a pair of Basilisk fangs.  
  
"How dare you," began George, in a low, furious voice. "How absolutely dare you insult the memory of my late brother."  
  
Rachel planted her hands on her hips and looked him squarely in the eye.  
  
"You are all storybook figures," she said, coldly. "I don't need to show any compassion for a bunch of made-up characters from a series of books." Then, spinning around, she stalked out, nose in the air.  
  
*  
  
Please review 


	28. Did you believe me?

Chapter 28  
  
Oh aren't I awful?  
  
*  
  
"Gee," said Angeline, when her friend had finally disappeared. "She sure can act snobbish when she wants to."  
  
Victoria was chewing her lip nervously, looking around at the furious faces of the Gryffindors. She knew that if she was found out to be the murderer of the late Fred Weasley, they would almost certainly decapitate her. Or worse. If possible.  
  
"Come on, Stephanie," she said, quietly, taking her friend's hand and slipping out of the hospital wing. No sooner had she left, a fight began, between the Slytherins and the Gryffindors.  
  
Madam Pomfrey would be very busy when she came back.  
  
"Stop! Stop!" shouted Oliver.  
  
"EVERYONE IN THIS HOSPITAL, FREEZE!" shrieked Angeline, her face red. Everyone froze. Unsurprisingly. Angeline could be very convincing at times.  
  
"Good," said Angeline, appearing to have trouble breathing normally. "Thank you. The loss of Fred Weasley was great, and I am sure that we will all feel very sad for a long time. This is understandable. What is NOT understandable, however, is why we should all fight. Why? What will this achieve? Nothing but a few black eyes and split lips. What is the point in this?"  
  
Michelle opened her mouth to speak, but without so much as a glance at the menace, Angeline said, "Shut up, Michelle."  
  
Surprised, the younger girl obeyed.  
  
"In tough times, we should stick together. There is a Basilisk loose in the school. EVERYONE FREEZE!"  
  
The hubbub stopped.  
  
"The dark lord is still around, and he feeds on terror and hate. A death should cause sorrow. Not hate. Now calm down, and go back to your dormitories. Every one of you. When you have done so, you may remember Fred in a better way. Think of all the good things that you experienced with him. I am sure there is plenty to think about. So whatever it may be, remember your friend in this way, and let there be no more violence. Shut up Michelle. Thank you."  
  
As if in a trance, the students began trooping out of the hospital wing, eyes red from unshed tears. Angeline's mature speech had seemed to bring out the light in everything. Well....almost everything. The black eyes....you couldn't do anything about that. But you get the point.  
  
"Thank you very much, Angeline," croaked Oliver, placing a trembling hand on the girl's shoulder.  
  
"It was nothing," replied Angeline, modestly.  
  
"Now I'll go think about Fred Weasley in that way," continued Oliver, wiping away a tear. Then, he left, leaving Angeline alone, looking at the empty beds in the room.  
  
"That debating sure helps my quick thinking," she said, aloud, with a grin. "I wonder if anyone believed me."  
  
*  
  
Short, I know, but I'm in school now, so....yeah. I'm so tired. Yawn. And we're learning what we're doing for our exams. Oh great. 


	29. In the Kitchen

Chapter 29  
  
I'm really, really sorry that I haven't updated in such a long time, but my school's started blocking fanfiction, so I can't get on.  
  
Stupid shitty crappy dodgy cheap mean, freaking school!  
  
(I should have censored that, shouldn't I? Ah well. Too late)  
  
It's so damn unfair! Humph. Well, here's my latest chapter, and I hope you enjoy it.  
  
*  
  
Slytherin Commonroom  
  
"This is SO cool," said Claire, grinning around at the huge Slytherin banners. "I can't believe it. Hogwarts really exists."  
  
Jess was smiling absently. "I wonder where Michelle went," she said.  
  
"Well I'm glad she's not here," replied Claire.  
  
"Definitely," nodded Jess. "She always hits me whenever I pick on someone."  
  
Claire laughed. "I wonder why."  
  
One of the many dark corridors in Hogwarts  
  
"I don't understand," protested Elspeth. "Where are we going?"  
  
Artemis turned to her, with his usual vampire-like smile. "Just to pick up a few friends," he replied. Then, upon reaching the painting of the fruit bowl, he reached a pale hand out, and tickled the pear.  
  
"What are you DOING?" hissed the girl, eyes wide with shock.  
  
"Quiet," Artemis placed a finger to his lips, as the portrait swung upon, revealing....  
  
"Fowl!" screeched Holly, flinging herself at him, and pummelling his already-blackened face. Artemis winced, trying to cover his face.  
  
"Hello, Holly," he said.  
  
"Friends?" asked Elspeth, disbelievingly.  
  
"I'VE GOT HIM, COMMANDER!" panted Holly, yanking Artemis inside, and gripping him in a headlock. And as she began strangling him, Artemis was only glad that it was just an elf, and not Michelle.  
  
* In front of the portrait  
  
"SEE?" grinned Rachel. "I told you so."  
  
Michelle frowned. She always did, whenever she was proved wrong. She's gonna have a whole lot of wrinkles when she gets old. (Just kidding).  
  
"So?" she snapped. "That doesn't prove anything."  
  
"Shut the door! Shut the door!" squeaked Holly, in desperation, as Artemis fought her off. Root was too busy chopping carrots to bother.  
  
However, this was an order, and House Elves are made to obey orders.  
  
Quickly, Winky dashed up to the portrait, and grabbing its edges, pulled it back as hard as she could. Michelle reached forward to hold the portrait, but with a nasty smile, Rachel held her hand back. There was a sickening crunch as the edges closed on the House Elf's chubby fingers.  
  
"Not much for brains, hey?" said Rachel.  
  
"Ew," Michelle made a face. "You're gross."  
  
"Yes, well her fingers are only bruised," replied Rachel, defensively. She reached forward, and taking hold of the portrait, pulled it open again.  
  
"Help....me...." gasped Artemis, who was rolling around on the dirty ground like a mutant slug. Holly's face was red with the effort of holding the Mud Boy down, and she was wheezing.  
  
"Help who?" Michelle glanced at the pair, then, seeing violence, instantly assumed that Holly wanted help killing someone. "Heh, heh, heh. Die, Fowl!" she cackled, throwing herself on top of the two, and giggling like a deranged hyena.  
  
"You crazy maniac!" screamed Artemis, trying in vain to roll free of the new weight. Holly whimpered. In her leap, Michelle had managed to fix her elbow on top of the elf's throat. Accident? Yeah right. Practise makes perfect, more like it.  
  
"Get....off....me....Mud....Girl...." croaked Holly. Who in a manner of speaking, was about to croak. As in die. Of suffocation.  
  
"Never!" said Michelle, shoving Holly's head onto the ground.  
  
"Michelle! Stop it, you ***************************!" shouted Rachel. "You're so stupid! Don't kill them!" Then, after a moment's glance at Artemis, added, "Yet."  
  
The boy paled. Holly made a gurgling noise in her throat.  
  
Sighing, Michelle did so. "Why?" she whined. "It's not like anyone's going to care."  
  
Meanwhile, Elspeth was happily stuffing her thin face with as many cream cakes as she could lay her bony fingers on.  
  
"You pig!" gasped Root, disgusted with her non-existent manners. "You know how LONG I spent, making those?"  
  
Elspeth swallowed another éclair. "Nope," she shook her head. Then she plunged it into a bowl of custard.  
  
"Well she DID seem keen on dessert," said Rachel, uncertainly. From what she had read in the Obernewtyn Series, Elspeth sounded like a half-starved girl. From what she had seen so far, Elspeth /looked/ like a starved lion. Ess. Lioness. Kinda.  
  
"Mm....sweets," smiled Elspeth, around a mouthful of honeycomb tart.  
  
"More, Miss?" squeaked Binky, holding up a plateful of sugar cookies.  
  
"Yes, please!" said the girl, tipping the contents of the plate into her mouth.  
  
"No!" groaned Rachel. "Don't eat so much. You'll be sick, I guarantee it."  
  
"Why should you care?" asked Michelle, curiously. She had not yet understood the ancient art of caring.  
  
"Because! I don't want her to---" fed up with explanations already, Rachel snatched a quivering platter of jelly from Elspeth's hands, and prepared to throw it on the ground. However, one look at the elves crowded around her feet stopped her. If raspberry jelly could get any redder, it would be on the heads of the elves. And I don't mean with food colouring. Gross!  
  
"Get her off me!" shouted Artemis and Holly, in unison. For despite letting up her headlock on the two of them, Michelle had not yet gotten off either of her victims.  
  
"Do I HAVE to?" sighed Michelle, with a regretful look at the squashed figures beneath her.  
  
Rachel shrugged, as she carefully placed the platter on the bench. "Whatever."  
  
This meant that it was up to Michelle to make up her disturbed mind. Pitytherewasnolipstick. No. Sorry. SERIOUSLY lame joke that Victoria once told. No offence, Vicky, but fertiliser couldn't have stank more.  
  
"Goody," said Michelle, rubbing her hands together, before pinning the boy and elf under her again.  
  
"ROOT!" screamed Holly. "HELP ME!"  
  
"Sorry, Holly. I'm busy," replied Root, as he diced his precious vegetables.  
  
"Elspeth, girl! Don't just stand there! Do something!" bellowed Artemis, who was at the last of his pathetic strength.  
  
"I am, I am," protested Elspeth, emptying a packet of chocolate chip cookies.  
  
"STOP EATING!" screamed Rachel. "You're gonna be sick, and....yeah!"  
  
Unfortunately, this was not a good explanation, and Elspeth continued to gorge herself on various sweets.  
  
"Well now that you've caught me," drawled Artemis. "What do you want with me?"  
  
"You?" sniggered Rachel. "Whoever said we wanted anything with you? I was just proving my point to Michelle, who was overtaken by a desire to kill you. I don't want anything to do with you, you moron."  
  
Artemis looked shocked. Then hurt. Then angry.  
  
"Get off me, then, girl!" he barked at Michelle. "I'm dying here!"  
  
Michelle smiled blandly, and glanced at her watch. "Oh goody," she said, lightly. "Five point two seconds faster."  
  
"WHAT? GET OFF!" screamed Artemis, hitting her. Holly groaned and slowly extracted a grenade from her belt.  
  
"If you don't get off me," she told Michelle, her voice deadly serious. "I'll blow you off to Mars."  
  
"Oh cool," said Michelle. "I won't have to pay, will I? Because if I do, the best way to decide how much I pay is by measuring the distance, and seeing that Mars is---"  
  
"SHUT UP!" shouted Rachel. "Maths, maths, maths. Angeline's really getting to you, isn't she?"  
  
Michelle shuddered. She looked like she was having a seizure. "But I hate maths," she whimpered.  
  
Artemis gasped. "Hate maths?" he whispered. Then. "HATE MATHS?"  
  
"Let's get out of here," said Rachel, grabbing Michelle's arm and pulling her off the two. Stumbling, Michelle ran, Rachel not far behind. Artemis looked as if he were about to explode. Then, just as they stepped out of the kitchen, there was an explosion, which shook the halls.  
  
Rachel winced.  
  
*  
  
I LUUUUUUUURV reading reviews, so PLZ PLEASE PLEEZ PLEAZ PUHLEEZ......review. 


	30. LOOK! IT'S CHAPTER 30! GO ME! YAY!

Chapter 30!  
  
Ooh yeah! Thanks to everyone who reviewed so far, which unfortunately....sigh. Only contains two anonymouses, and my friends. Right, well, seeing that it's chapter *30*, I'm gonna make this chapter as long as I can. So you make your REVIEWS as long as you can. And if you haven't WRITTEN any reviews, my other chapter will be even longer than this one, because it will be filled with so. Many. DAMN. SWEAR WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*  
  
"What a soppy speech," muttered Draco, wiping away a tear from a cold eye.  
  
Sarah glared at him. "Why are you crying, then?"  
  
"I am NOT crying," snapped Draco, reaching inside his robes for his wand. But his hands met nothing but cloth. Freezing, the boy dug deeper in his robes, but to no avail. And he would have dug deeper still, had not a voice behind him suddenly said, "What's wrong? You look like you've got a tick in your butt or something."  
  
Draco turned a very bright crimson, as he turned around.  
  
"Alex!" laughed Victoria. "Don't be sick!"  
  
The taller girl shrugged. "Well he does," she replied. Stephanie gave a watery smile. She didn't know why she was crying. She hadn't even known Fred Weasley until today. She was just like that. Plain....ugh. Shudder. Nice.  
  
"Ron!" exclaimed Hermione, quite suddenly. "What are you doing out of bed? I thought you had a broken back!"  
  
"I did," sniffled Ron. "But Madam Pomfrey fixed it."  
  
"Oh," nodded Hermione, deciding it would be best not to question Ron any further, seeing the distraught state of he was in. There was bound to be trauma after the rather sudden death of his brother.  
  
"My wand!" hissed Draco, his face mottled with panic and rage. "Where's my wand?"  
  
"Oh no, have you lost your wand?" asked Sarah, sympathetically.  
  
"Yes," nodded the blonde boy, looking furious. "I was just asleep for a few hours, and---"  
  
"Days, actually," corrected Stephanie. "You and Victoria were Petrified, for a few days. Two, I think. Actually, I'm not quite sure. Maybe even just one day. Or three. Or---"  
  
"I get the point," growled Draco, still frantically searching for his wand. "Damn it! I paid five galleons for that---"  
  
"Five GALLEONS?" shrieked Hermione. "You know how many S-P-E-W badges you could have bought with that? You know how many lives you could have freed with that?"  
  
"Oh get lost," said Sarah, glaring at the brunette. "Mind your own business. You have a wand of your own, don't you?"  
  
There was a deathly silence. A landmark had been made. A Gryffindor going against a fellow Gryffindor, to defend a....Slytherin. And not just any Slytherin. Draco Malfoy, the most pompous of them all. The arrogant (censored) who is Harry's sworn enemy. He, who foiled their plans, in whatever way he could. He, who had chosen....  
  
*deep intake of breath from audience*  
  
Neapolitan ice cream over Cookies 'n Cream!  
  
Gasp!  
  
He had also chosen 'You-know-who's' side over the good, but who can possibly turn down Cookies 'n Cream? It would have been alright if he had chosen mint choc chip over Cookies 'n Cream, but Neapolitan! It's quite good, but Cookies 'n Cream rocks this world! Not literally, but you know what I mean. Ugh! Disgraceful! Neapolitan, better than Cookies 'n Cream indeed!  
  
"Wh....what did you just say?" stammered Hermione, aghast.  
  
"I SAID, you have a wand of your own, don't you? I don't see YOU throwing it away, just for your 'spew' or whatever," repeated Sarah, blushing slightly, but still defiant in defending Draco.  
  
Alex giggled.  
  
"Ew, gross! She didn't mean it like that!" groaned Victoria, when she realised what her friend was laughing about. "She meant the CLUB, spew."  
  
"IT'S NOT SPEW!" screamed Hermione, jumping up and down in frustration. Hmm....then again, there isn't really anywhere else you can jump, is there? I mean, you can jump left and right, can you? Ah well.  
  
"It's---"  
  
"Some people eat whales?" giggled Victoria.  
  
"AGHR!" Tossing her hair in fury, Hermione sent a lightning bolt shooting past Victoria.  
  
"Wow," said Victoria. "Your hair's really frizzy. Talk about static electricity."  
  
"YOU INFURIATING BEING!" shrieked Hermione, stomping off in a huff. Ron looked as if he was going to follow her, but Alex stopped him.  
  
"No!" she wailed. "Don't go!"  
  
"Uh...." Ron looked uncertain, and took another step forward. Harry followed him.  
  
"COME BACK, YOU MEANIES!" shouted Christina. "YOU'RE ALL MEANY POOS! COME BACK, HARRY!"  
  
However, when Harry failed to do so, she lunged forward and stabbed Ron with the tip of her 'wand'.  
  
"YEOWCH!" cried Ron, leaping up, as several potential spells shot through him.  
  
"RON! MY DARLING! MY LOVED ONE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE ME?" sobbed Alex, as she dragged him out of Christina's range.  
  
"HA! TAKE THAT, CARROT HAIR!" cackled Christina, waving the 'wand' triumphantly in the air. Unfortunately, it was only capable of doing a certain amount of spells, before it had to be replaced. With a humming noise, the wand slowly drooped over, and an awful stench began drifting from it.  
  
"Phaw! That stinks!" exclaimed Victoria, blocking her nose.  
  
"I know you said that you didn't like to shower, and preferred to smell bad, but...." began Stephanie, eyeing Christina with distaste.  
  
"Huh?" said Christina, looking around blankly.  
  
"Uh....Christina...." said Harry, uncertainly. Christina took a step towards him. The stench of the cheap, substitute wand was overpowering. Harry fainted.  
  
"HARRY?" screamed Christina, in alarm.  
  
"MY WAND! WHERE'S MY BLOODY WAND?" bellowed Draco.  
  
"Here, I'll help you look for it," offered Sarah.  
  
"Me too," said Susie, delighted at the prospect of a search. After all, seeing that a student had just died, they would have the rest of the day off.  
  
"I wanna come too!" said Louisa, not wanting to be left out. Glancing at Christina, who was almost in hysterics, Amelia hastily added, "Just lead the way."  
  
So the four headed down a corridor.  
  
"Come on," whined Vanessa. "Now that that stupid broom thing's over, we can do some PROPER studying."  
  
At that minute, Angeline had just stepped out into the corridor, and at the word 'studying', she beamed widely.  
  
"YEAH!" she said, with gusto. "I'VE BEEN ITCHING TO DO SOME STUDYING!" Just HOW itching though, she was yet to find out.  
  
"Good. I brought a book along to...." Vanessa paused, for the effect, but subtlety was no gift of hers. "Study." She finished, with relish.  
  
"EXCELLENT!" exclaimed Angeline, snatching the book from Vanessa. She opened the maths book, and began reading. However, on the second word, she began sneezing violently. "Can (achoo) I (achoo) have a....a....choo! tissue?" she sniffed. Vanessa took one look at Angeline's face, and began trembling all over.  
  
"AHHH!" she screamed. Well, actually, she lifted her voice, seeing that Vanessa almost never screams.  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Angeline.  
  
"Your-your-your face!" whispered Vanessa.  
  
"Yeah. Harry's is nicer," said Christina.  
  
"Shut up, Christina," snapped Angeline, peering into the nearest mirror. Shards of glass flew past her face, as the mirror cracked. Bending down and covering her face, Angeline screamed. When she took her hands away from her face, Christina screamed. Leanne jumped and hit her head on the ceiling.  
  
"EW! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" shrieked Christina. "TAKE THAT MASK OFF!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about, you moron?" said Angeline, frowning. She lifted her hands to her face again, and her fingers touched enormous bumps.  
  
"AHHH!" she screamed. "I'VE GOT BOILS ON MY FACE!"  
  
"Pink and green ones," said Christina, making a face. "Ew. And they're shaped like smiley-faces."  
  
In her panic, Angeline tore out of the hall, dashing up to the Ravenclaw Commonroom. She had forgotten the password, but once she lifted her face to plead with the guardian who guarded the room, it fainted and the portrait swung open. Grabbing the nearest Ravenclaw, Angeline yelled, "WHAT THE HELL IS ON MY FACE?"  
  
Cho Chang took one look at Angeline's face and screamed. "Good question!" she stammered.  
  
"THIS IS NOT LOGICAL! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?" sobbed Angeline. "I SHOULD KNOW! THIS IS VERY, VERY, VERY WRONG! AND GROSS, BUT UNLOGICAL IS EVEN WORSE! OH NO! IT'S ILLOGICAL!"  
  
Whilst the other girl was distracted, Cho Chang fled up the stairs.  
  
* "Hey, Sarah!" grinned Michelle, as the two groups passed each other in the corridor.  
  
"Hi, Michelle. Have you seen a wand anywhere?" asked Sarah, gesturing to the sulking boy beside her. "Draco's lost his."  
  
Rachel blinked. "Really?" she asked, feigning surprise. "Where?"  
  
"In the hospital wing, where else, you stupid girl?" snapped Draco.  
  
"Oh....I dunno. Maybe....out the window?" smiled Rachel, toying with the wand in her pocket.  
  
"Huh?" Draco didn't understand. Sarah did.  
  
"Oh!" she cried. "You've got it! Thanks so much!"  
  
Rachel looked as if she were about to protest, but finally, she shrugged. "Yeah. I dunno why you want to help him, though. Talk about RUDE."  
  
Sarah nodded and gave Draco a disapproving look. "Say please," she prompted. The boy frowned and clenched his teeth.  
  
"C'nIpleasehavemywand?" he mumbled.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I SAID canIpleasehavemywand?" repeated Draco, furiously.  
  
Rachel crossed her arms. "I still can't hear you."  
  
"CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY WAND?" hissed Draco. Then he looked around nervously, before holding out his hand. "Well?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever," shrugged Rachel, handing the missing item over. She had stepped on it before, anyway, and it was shooting mysterious sparks around the place.  
  
Normally, a Malfoy would have left it at that. Just walked off and hoped that the person would keep quiet. However, another icy look from the group of girls told him that they were still not satisfied.  
  
"Thanks," he muttered.  
  
Susie smiled and applauded. "That wasn't so hard now, was it?"  
  
Draco muttered something inaudible under his breath.  
  
"Ooh....tut, tut, tut," said Amelia, wagging her finger at him. Michelle waved her middle finger at him.  
  
A second later, Draco went up in flames. Again. He was beginning to smell quite crispy.  
  
*  
  
Okay. So it wasn't as long as I'd hoped it would be. Well, anyway. Still kinda long. Now, I've done my bit. You do yours, and REVIEW 


	31. Burn the witch! Or actually...wizard

Chapter 31  
  
Oh this is so sad. Christina is sitting beside me, her eyes glued to her laptop screen, reading. A story. A seriously SLUSHY story. Like so slush that I feel sick. And it's lunchtime! Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. Well, at least we're allowed in the classroom. There's a group of kids who've barricaded themselves in the storeroom, though, and they're wailing at the top of their lungs. Practising for the class concert, which is on in like....HALF AND HOUR! I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY VIOLIN! OH CRAP! I don't know why I'm writing this, so....yeah. Victoria's just decided to pick up her recorder to practise her piece: Silent Night. Won't be a very silent night for me, now. Shudder. I'll have nightmares. Oh great. Michelle's picked up her violin! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*  
  
"DRACO!" shrieked Sarah, in alarm. The boy was LITERALLY on fire.  
  
"AHAHAHAHA!" cackled Michelle. "That's so funny!"  
  
Susie was rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically.  
  
"What?" gasped Amelia, staring at the burning boy. Louisa's eyes were wide, and her mouth dropped open.  
  
"What just happened?" she said.  
  
"YOU'RE ON FIRE!" shouted Sarah, trying to beat the flames out with her hands. Draco seemed quite dazed.  
  
"Huh?" he said.  
  
"YOU'RE. ON. FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Sarah. Susie suddenly stopped, realising that lives were at stake here.  
  
"OH MY GOD! HE'S GONNA DIE!" she cried, frozen. "I'll....I'll....get help." She scrambled to her feet, and dashed out of the corridor.  
  
"Me too!" squeaked Amelia, running after her. Louisa had slowly begun to grin.  
  
"Wow...." she said, sounding awed. "He's on fire."  
  
"Is he gonna die?" grinned Michelle, a manic smile lighting up her face. "It's about bloody time!"  
  
"NOOOOO!" wailed Sarah. "Don't die, Draco!"  
  
"I guess it must've been one of the sparks from the wand," said Rachel, watching the scene, calmly.  
  
Michelle was giggling madly, and clapping her hands, jumping up and down.  
  
"Yes!" she grinned. "Yay! There's gonna be a death! There's gonna be a death!"  
  
Sarah was sobbing, as she tried to extinguish the fire.  
  
Malfoy had suddenly realised what was happening, and he began screaming.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. "I'M ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!"  
  
"Aw naw?" said Rachel, rolling her eyes with an impatient sigh. Susie suddenly reappeared, with Amelia at her side, and with a triumphant grin, flung the contents of the water bucket over the boy. The fire grew larger.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO?" screamed Sarah.  
  
"Uh.." Susie tipped the bucket over, to check the side. It read: Highly flammable. Floor Polish.  
  
"Oops," said Susie. "Floor polish."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Sarah.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Draco.  
  
"HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEE!" cackled Susie.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" repeated Draco.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Sarah.  
  
"Funny," grinned Susie, giving a sheepish grin.  
  
"NO IT'S NOT!" screeched Sarah, obviously distraught. "Go get water!"  
  
"I'm....mel....ting...." said Rachel, imitating a snowman in Queensland.  
  
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"  
  
Amelia was panic stricken. "What do I do with this then?" she babbled, gesturing to the bucket she was carrying. Then, in hysteria, she threw it all over Draco. The bucket struck the boy, causing him to cry out in pain, and drop the wand. Instantly, the flames went out.  
  
"Aw...." Michelle looked disappointed.  
  
"Whew!" said Susie, looking relieved. It wouldn't have looked very good to be in a corridor with a dead guy, who had burns all over his face. Especially when her fingerprints were on the handle of the empty FLOOR POLISH bucket next to him.  
  
"Yay!" grinned Sarah, flinging her arms round his middle. "You're better!"  
  
Draco looked quite astonished. Rachel rolled her eyes skywards.  
  
"She's....happy," gasped Michelle, looking quite repulsed. "Ew! Happiness!"  
  
"Well you were happy a second ago," shrugged Sarah. "Anyway. Draco's not going to die, now!"  
  
Michelle stamped her foot on the ground, angrily. "Humph! Not fair!" she shouted. "Why won't he die?"  
  
"Well Artemis is as good as dead," said Rachel.  
  
The other girl nodded slowly. "Yeah....I guess that's okay, then."  
  
"WHAT? ARTEMIS IS DEAD?" shouted Louisa, astonished. Amelia 'tutted' loudly, shaking her head.  
  
"Can't we leave you alone with a person for one minute without you killing them?" she sighed.  
  
"Well I can't help it!" replied Rachel, indignantly. "They just....well....die. Kinda."  
  
Michelle was looking around, humming a tune. "Wasn't me," she said.  
  
"MiCHELLE!" shouted Susie, sounding exasperated. "You're always killing people! Can't you stop for one day?"  
  
Michelle considered it. "Umm....nah. Life would be too boring, then." Then, upon realising what she had just said, she shuddered. "Ugh. Life."  
  
Her friends sighed. It was Michelle all over to hate life.  
  
"How about your own life?" asked Amelia, determined to catch Michelle in the deadly web of her own words.  
  
"Yeah!" said Rachel, eyes wide. "Commit suicide! Like in your playschool song! Well....actually....it's gayschool in your song, but yeah."  
  
"Humph," said Michelle. "I would, but if I do, there would be no one left to kill everyone, and so that wouldn't work either. Maybe I could kill everyone in the world, and THEN commit suicide. But then, what would be the point, seeing that everyone's dead, and---"  
  
"Okay, okay," said Sarah, quickly. "We get the point."  
  
"Good," said Michelle. "Because if you don't---"  
  
"Shut. Up." Rachel glowered at the homicidal mathematical-hating maniac who stood beside her.  
  
Even Michelle knew when to keep her big mouth shut. So she continued talking.  
  
"See, 'cause---" she began.  
  
"See, 'cause," mimicked Sarah.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
"Harry!" sobbed Christina. "He's dead!"  
  
"Actually," observed Victoria, leaning down to inspect the unconscious boy. "I think he's just waking up."  
  
And indeed, at that moment, Harry opened his eyes.  
  
"Where am I?" he croaked. Then he saw Christina, who was bent over him, a huge grin on her face.  
  
"Oh no. I wasn't that bad, was I?" he groaned.  
  
"Huh?" said Christina.  
  
A long silence followed. There was little that could be said to the girl's oblivious stupidity.  
  
10 minutes later.  
  
A piercing shriek cut through the air.  
  
"OH! I GET IT! THAT'S SO STUPID!"  
  
Which was then followed by uncontrollable laughter.  
  
No prizes for guessing who it was.  
  
"Okay...." said Victoria, looking at Christina as if she were some giant form of lakeland monster. Alex patted Ron's head soothingly, as the boy cringed away from Christina's awful laughter.  
  
"HE THINKS HE DIED AND WENT TO HELL!" giggled Christina. Suddenly, she became aware of why he made the statement. "Hey...." she began, looking very hurt.  
  
"Christina, Christina," sighed Victoria, shaking her head sadly.  
  
*  
  
Okay. I'm about to start a test in like three minutes so I've just finished this really quickly, and yeah. So wish me luck in my tests! E-) 


	32. What the **** are you doing in my mind?

Chapter 32  
  
I cannot stand this anymore! Throughout the whole test, Christina was singing her version of Kylie Minogue's song- 'Fever'. It's so damn awful! I'm gonna go mad if I have to listen to one more line of 'Fever'! Hehehe. I think she just lost her notes for the test. Suffer, Christina! Suffer!  
  
*  
  
Artemis was blown half-way across the kitchen, in the explosion. "AGHR! WHAT WAS THAT?" he shrieked.  
  
*funny thing to be writing about during a test, hey?*  
  
"MY MINCE PIES!" sobbed Root. "THEY BLEW UP! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE TAKEN THEM OUT EARLIER!" he had discovered a love for cooking, and  
  
*hang on. This is just too funny. Christina thought I was recording what she was doing again. So she leans over, scowls, and says, 'Do you mind not writing stuff about me?'. So I say, 'are you a short, fat elf, who smokes fungi cigars?'. She went back to singing 'Fever'. Then she said shish kebab, cuz Steph started digging her nails into her wrist, cuz she was so sick of listening to 'Fever' over and over again. Christina keeps begging me to stop recording. I'll leave it at that*  
  
had recently found that he could make an even better blueberry pie than Grubbles (one of the house elves. Don't bother looking for him in the REAL books. I made him up).  
  
"I can't breathe!" squeaked Holly. "I can't breathe!"  
  
Artemis had fallen, with his elbow crushing her windpipe. "Oh. Sorry, Holly," he said, removing his arm. Elspeth was still busy guzzling meat patties.  
  
"Mm. This is nice," she said.  
  
Abruptly, Artemis stood up, dusting off his coat with the air of one who has finished playing a piano concerto. So, looking very much like....either Stephanie, Angeline, Alex, Molly (who's not in Hogwarts) or Christina, he strode out of the kitchen, doing his best not to burst into tears of embarrassment.  
  
"Hey! Wait for me!" said Elspeth, running after him. She tripped over her feet, and went sprawling through the portrait door. Behind her, the door slammed shut, as Root did his best to re-bake all the pies that Elspeth had eaten. However, despite his most valiant efforts, the kitchen would still never be the same again.  
  
"Why did you want to go there?" asked Elspeth. "They obviously weren't your friends."  
  
Artemis looked very shocked, as he replied. "But they are my friends. I helped them once, and they helped me. That is what friends do, isn't it?"  
  
"I wouldn't know," replied the girl, gloomily. "I don't have any friends."  
  
"Oh," said Artemis. "How depressing for you."  
  
Elspeth shrugged. "I get used to it."  
  
*aw....ain't that sad? Sniff, sniff. Sorry, I've got a cold*  
  
"I didn't have friends before," said Artemis, aloud. "The psychiatrists said that it was because I didn't respect anyone enough to believe them worthy to be my friend. But then I met Holly. She's brave. She saved my life. So she's my friend....right?"  
  
"I guess," said Elspeth.  
  
But Artemis wasn't listening. He was looking straight forward....into two bright yellow eyes.  
  
'Meow', said Mrs Norris.  
  
"Oh. It's only a cat," said Elspeth, in relief. "I thought that it might be a rat, but I'm really glad that it's not a rat and only a cat, because rats look like ugly brown mats, whereas cats are just cats."  
  
The eyebrow went up. "I see...." lied Artemis, wishing that he had chosen someone slightly more intelligent to help him on his mission to rob Gringotts. Oh well. The girl could still unlock doors with her mind, so why shouldn't she be able to unlock vault number 135 in Gringotts? There really was no reason behind picking vault number 135, though. He had just chosen it because it added up to nine, which was his favourite number.  
  
"So where are we going now?" asked Elspeth.  
  
"Hiss,' said Mrs Norris. She hissed again, and spat at the grubby sneakers that were in front of her.  
  
"Disgraceful!" exclaimed Elspeth, taking a handkerchief out of her pocket, and carefully wiping the cat's saliva off her shoes.  
  
'Oops', thought Mrs Norris. Suddenly, an even greater hissing came from behind the terrified cat.  
  
"Meow," said Mrs Norris, running and cowering behind the boy.  
  
"Pathetic," sighed Artemis, taking a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket, and putting them on.  
  
"What are you doing?" ejaculated Elspeth.  
  
*ejaculated....sounds cool, doesn't it? Kinda weird, though*  
  
"Shut your eyes," instructed Artemis.  
  
"Why?" demanded Elspeth, suspiciously. However, she did so. Just then, the great ugly head of the Basilisk reared up in front of them.  
  
"Can I open my eyes yet?" asked Elspeth. Artemis swallowed nervously, and licked his lips.  
  
"No. Definitely not," he croaked. "Just....keep your eyes shut until I tell you to open them."  
  
However, Elspeth was already beyond listening. Her Beastspeaking ability allowed her limited conversation with the Basilisk, and she was using it best she could.  
  
"Greetings," she said.  
  
"Huh? What form of creature issssssssss thissssssssssss?" hissed the Basilisk, flicking its tongue out.  
  
"I amknown as ElspethInnle," replied Elspeth, beginning to warm to the conversation, but wishing that she could open her eyes. That boy, Artemis was in dire need of an attitude transplant. Bossy, arrogant, touchy, and selfish.  
  
"What kind of name issssss that?" asked the Basilisk, thoroughly confused. "You ssssssssssssspeak ssssstrangely....sssss...."  
  
Standing in the corridor, the two Slytherins got a very queer feeling, as if there was someone talking in her head.  
  
'Oh no....I must have hit my head really hard on the platform,' thought Michelle.  
  
'I knew there was something wrong with me, for me to be friends with Michelle,' thought Rachel.  
  
"What'ssss thissss?" asked the Basilisk.  
  
"AH! THE VOICES ARE IN MY HEAD! THE VOICES ARE IN MY HEAD!" screeched Rachel. Well, actually, she THOUGHT she was screeching it. She was actually thinking it at full volume in her head, in parseltongue.  
  
"OW!" screamed Michelle, who was experiencing the same problem as her 'fellow' Slytherin. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! AHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"ElspethInnle headhurts," groaned Elspeth, clutching her forehead. Suddenly, she recognised Michelle's distinct homicidal personality leaking in her mind.  
  
"Huh?" she thought.  
  
"THE VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE....confused?" thought Rachel. "I have SERIOUSLY cracked."  
  
"What makes you think you haven't, already?" chuckled Michelle. Then it clicked.  
  
"Rachel? Elspeth? Big fat ugly snake?" she asked.  
  
"Wazza?" said Rachel. "WICKED! I CAN TALK TO YOU IN MY MIND! THIS IS SICK!"  
  
"Sick/wicked?" asked Elspeth. "Why?"  
  
"Welcome to the twenty-first century, kiddo," said Rachel. "New age language."  
  
"Ah...." nodded Elspeth.  
  
"Whatever happened to FREAKING COOL?" whined Michelle.  
  
"What'ssss going on....ssssss....?" thought the Basilisk, thoroughly confused.  
  
"Hey! It's you again! Hiya, flat tyre dude!" exclaimed Rachel, elated at the opportunity to talk to the maker of sick jokes again.  
  
"Flat tyre dude?" The Basilisk hissed, sinking its fangs into the ground, in its attempt to find its prey.  
  
"Yeah. That is your name, isn't it?" thought Rachel. "Wow. I think I'm going mad."  
  
"What makes you think---"  
  
"Shut up, Michelle."  
  
The homicidal maniac was just too predictable.  
  
"Michelle....ssss?" asked the Basilisk. "Misssstresssssssss....you have returned at lasssssssssssst."  
  
"Mistress?! What the hell?" thought Michelle, screwing up her face.  
  
"You mean FROM---" began Rachel.  
  
"Shut up," snapped Michelle.  
  
"Why should I?" Rachel shot back.  
  
"Because I want you to."  
  
"So? You don't matter."  
  
"Well....you don't matter even more!"  
  
"You still don't matter."  
  
"But you don't matter even more!"  
  
"That still doesn't make you matter."  
  
"Yes it does."  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Because I say so."  
  
"But you don't matter, so what you say doesn't matter, either."  
  
"No."  
  
"No what?"  
  
"No, what you said isn't right, because---"  
  
"Face it, Squishy. You're fighting a losing battle there."  
  
The Basilisk and Elspeth were forgotten, as the verbal fight raged.  
  
"FIGHTING? I'LL SHOW YOU FIGHTING, YOU (censored) (censored) (censored)!"  
  
"Tut, tut, tut. Such language, person who doesn't matter."  
  
"I DO MATTER!"  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"YES I DO!"  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"DO TOO!"  
  
"Do not."  
  
"DO TOO!"  
  
"Do not."  
  
"DO TOO!"  
  
"Do not, do not, do not, do not."  
  
"DO TOO, DO TOO, DO TOO, DO TOO, DO TOO, DO---"  
  
"Do not, times infinity."  
  
"DO TOO TIMES TWO INFINITIES!"  
  
"No such thing."  
  
"YES THERE IS."  
  
"Is not."  
  
"Is too."  
  
"Is not."  
  
"Is too."  
  
*  
  
Déjà vu? That'd be because Christina and Hermione were saying that earlier, on the train. I'll put in more original ideas, if people start reviewing. Oh yeah. And if Harry dies a very sudden and unexpected death, blame Christina. I told her that something bad would happen if she didn't shut up. 


	33. Spin the Bottle (PLC style)

Chapter 33  
  
WICKED! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? CHAPTER 33. I REPEAT, 33. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM THE GREATEST! I AM THE MOST INTELLIGENT! I AM the person who isn't getting any reviews.  
  
*  
  
"Elspeth?" Artemis looked at the girl worriedly. "Wake up. You didn't open your eyes, did you?"  
  
Instantly, Elspeth snapped out of her daze.  
  
"Huh? What? Oh. No, I'm fine," she said, looking around for the snakemind she had been talking to, before two certain Slytherins had butted in and begun screaming obscene insults at the top of their minds.  
  
"Good. The plan will have to wait then, I guess," sighed Artemis. "Let's go. You go back to your commonroom."  
  
"Okay," shrugged Elspeth, amiably. She strolled up the stairs, humming a tune absently, but really looking around for any sign of the snake.  
  
Artemis watched her go, with a feeling of regret. He was always being forced to wait. However, he was not going to risk having her be killed by the snake that was going around the school, especially seeing that it was awake again.  
  
But back to the brunette bimbo.  
  
"You didn't really mean that, did you, Harry?" sniffed Christina, looking at him with huge baby eyes.  
  
"Oh, the slush," sighed Victoria. Stephanie crossed her arms and looked around the room, for some sign of intelligent life.  
  
"Uh....no. Not really," lied Harry, now wishing that he HAD died, so he would no longer have to put up with the freaky, smitten airhead that was standing beside him.  
  
*sorry Christina, but it's your fault for singing 'Fever' the whole time I was trying to concentrate on my test. I did warn you, you know. Stephanie, that was your reward for pinching her*  
  
"GOOD! OH, ISN'T HE SO SWEET?" giggled Christina, flinging her arms around him. Harry blanched.  
  
"Uh....right, Christina," nodded Victoria, sounding extremely unconvinced.  
  
"He IS, so THERE, you poo poo heads!" sniffed Christina.  
  
*it's a new 'insult' she's made up. She called me that a few days ago*  
  
"Ooh....there's a big word," said Victoria.  
  
"Big words for big brains," sang Rachel, skipping down the stairs. But she hated skipping, so she stopped, and slowed to a respectable blind charge.  
  
"Coming THRRRRRRRRRROUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" she called, running straight for Victoria.  
  
"AH!" yelped Victoria, leaping out of the way. She tripped, and went sprawling across the ground.  
  
"Tee hee. Funny," grinned Rachel.  
  
"No it's NOT! It HURTS!" shouted Victoria, punching the ground angrily.  
  
"I rest my case," said Rachel. Victoria stopped punching the ground and scowled.  
  
"You're a riot, Rachel," she told the older girl, dully. "A real riot."  
  
"Riot?" said Christina, looking bewildered by all the 'big words' that her friends were using.  
  
*take THAT, you broken jukebox!*  
  
"A riot is a violent or wild disorder or confusion," said Stephanie, her kind side taking pity on Christina.  
  
"Oh. Okay," said Christina.  
  
Michelle came tumbling down the stairs.  
  
"Hi, guys!" she shouted. Then, turning to Stephanie, she asked, "Isn't a disorder like when you swear at the lunch lady?"  
  
Rachel grinned. "Diss order. Yeah, I get it."  
  
Christina frowned.  
  
Twenty minutes later....  
  
"OH! I GET IT! THAT'S SO STOOPID!"  
  
"Oh how time flies when you have an idiot in your midst," muttered Rachel.  
  
"But it wasn't a joke!" cried Michelle.  
  
"Oh damn," Rachel snapped her fingers. "And there we were, getting our hopes up, and thinking that you were intelligent enough to make a joke. Silly us."  
  
"Hey! I am smart!" shouted Michelle, angrily. "I'm even smarter than you!"  
  
"In maths," said Rachel. "Because you do coaching."  
  
"Yeah. I'm SMART enough to go to coaching!" snapped Michelle.  
  
"And I'm smart enough NOT to go to coaching," smirked Rachel.  
  
From the bloodthirsty look on Michelle's face, even Professor Trelawney would be able to predict the bloody future. Unless she wasn't wearing her glasses, of course, because then she probably wouldn't be able to see the deadly gleam in Michelle's eye. But then again, the cracking of Michelle's knuckles should be enough to send a lion fleeing into its den, and screaming in terror when it saw a dark shape lurking in its home. Then the lamb would emerge, and the lion would kill it and eat it, lest it tell the other lambs that it had scared away the King of the Jungle. But the lion might not live in the jungle. Instead, it might dwell in the dry, dusty, African plains. So the other lambs wouldn't have believed the lamb it had just killed and eaten anyway. Especially if it was known for telling lies. So there would have been no point in the lion killing and eating the lamb, and risking....  
  
Tetanus, through the broken tooth it had gotten from eating the lamb! The villagers would also be angry, and a lion with tetanus would be easier to catch, than a lion without tetanus. And worse, it had a broken tooth, so the villagers would just have to listen hard, for the sound of loud weeping, and follow the sound.  
  
But none of that really matters. Even though the lion IS an endangered species.  
  
"Where were you?" asked Victoria, trying to avert the topic from intelligence. Rachel had guessed as much, and she grinned, showing her teeth, before replying, "If you're trying to avert the topic from intelligence, you should pick another topic."  
  
"Huh?" Victoria was confused. For a minute. Then, the intelligence that had earned her the scholarship into PLC kicked in, and she bent over, clutching her sides. Her intelligence had kicked in too hard, and probably ruptured her kidney. And if it had, she would die....sick! the bottle really DOES predict the future! Sorry, it's just a game we've started playing. We've mutated Spin the Bottle, and turned it into a freakish cross between Truth or Dare and fortune-telling. It said that Victoria would go bankrupt in the future, and go crazy, before seeking asylum. Then someone would lock her up, and she would be the highest jumping person in the world. And she would start singing as a career. But that's her other future. The boring one is that she's gonna die, in my story....hmm....will she?  
  
"Hey!" whined Victoria. "That's mean. But then you would be saying that you're stupid."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about, you crazy little mutant," said Rachel, loftily. "I was wondering if you wanted to play Spin the Bottle."  
  
"SPIN THE BOTTLE?" spluttered Harry. "NO WAY AM I PLAYING THAT WITH YOU FREAKS!"  
  
"We don't need you to, you idiot," snapped Rachel. Then, at the look on Harry's face, she shouted, "EW! GROSS! YOU'RE TOTALLY DISGUSTING, YOU SICKO! WE'VE CHANGED IT!" Then, fuming, she added under her breath, "Moronic little bastard."  
  
Fortunately, Harry did not hear the name she called him.  
  
"Yeah! Cool. There's nothing we can do anyway," shrugged Stephanie.  
  
"Wicked. Let's go. Slytherin Commonroom. The password's HarryPotterisanuglygit." And with that, Rachel pranced off, whistling a cheerful tune. Michelle shuddered, covering her ears.  
  
*  
  
"I'm really, really, really sorry. I won't be updating till next Monday, at the most. I'm going on a horrible camp, where I'll have to spend one night outdoors. YUCK! How unhygienic! How revolting! How repulsive! How....like Christina. Well, I just wanted to tell you all, that if I don't update again by the end of September, chances are that I've been brutally murdered by Michelle, or died of unhygienic conditions. More likely the former than the latter. 


	34. okay, i know this took like 4eva, but it...

Chapter 34  
  
I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!! Hooray, yippee and all that other stuff. Now I can torture you all again, with my hyperactive imagination, and infuriating inadequate consistency in updating....  
  
Isn't that great?  
  
*  
  
"Right! I brought my bottle! Now let's start!" grinned Victoria, brandishing her water bottle. Sarah frowned, and chewed her lip.  
  
"So....what are we playing again? I think I heard wrong," she said.  
  
"I HOPE I heard wrong," added Susie, her blue eyes wide with obvious disgust.  
  
"INCORRECTLY," corrected Rachel. "Tut tut. Such language. And you're not even swearing." She turned to Michelle with an evil grin. "Looks like you've got competition."  
  
"Shut up," growled Michelle. Then, taking Rachel's words to heart, she added, "You stupid freaking bitch."  
  
Susie looked taken aback, before she started laughing....for no apparent reason.  
  
"Huh?" said Christina. "I don't get it. What's so funny?"  
  
"Michelle!" scolded Leanne, in her annoying busybody voice. "You shouldn't swear so much!"  
  
"Yeah, Squishy," jeered Rachel, adding fuel to the fire. But seeing that it was not just any psychomaniac that we're talking about here, and especially seeing that it was the infamous MICHELLE, it would be an inferno.  
  
"SHUT UP!" she screeched, picking up the nearest thing, and flinging it at Rachel. A fluffy pink teddy bear bounced off the wall, due to Michelle's bad aim.  
  
"BOOMER!" sobbed Christina, leaping for the pink blob.  
  
"Huh? I thought Boomer was brown, though," said Angeline, who had calmed down after the boils finally went away. Unfortunately, it had only taken five minutes for the blemishes to disappear. It was hard to tell whether she had looked uglier with or without the multi-coloured spots. At least the boils had shielded her hideous face. NO....only joking. Not.  
  
"He was," sniffled Christina, cradling the furry bundle. "But Toni (her younger sister) spilt something all over the floor, and COULDN'T FIND A RAG, SO SHE USED BOOMER!"  
  
"WHAT?!" shrieked Angeline. "SHE COULD HAVE JUST USED A MOP! THAT'S DISGUSTING!"  
  
Christina paused and frowned. "Oh...." she said. "That's a good idea. Why didn't I think of that?"  
  
"Because it was a good idea," quipped Rachel.  
  
"Huh? I don't get it," said Christina.  
  
"Ugh," muttered Victoria. "Let's just play." She placed the bottle in the middle of the room, and searched her puny (just kidding) mind for a suitable question to ask.  
  
In the background, Angeline was kindly explaining to Sarah and the other new people to the game, what alterations they had made to the traditional game.  
  
"OH! I'VE GOT A QUESTION!" shouted Rachel, grinning madly.  
  
"NO! I'VE GOT ONE!" protested Michelle.  
  
"ME FIRST!" snapped Rachel.  
  
"MY QUESTION'S BETTER THAN YOURS!" retorted Michelle.  
  
"NO IT'S NOT! MY QUESTION'S THE BEST EVER!" yelled Rachel.  
  
"MINE IS!"  
  
"NO, MINE IS!"  
  
"NO, MINE IS!"  
  
"MINE IS!"  
  
"Well....Rachel was first," muttered Victoria, trying to stop the argument. With a smug look, Rachel sat back down, and said, "Who's gonna die in a drought?"  
  
"Mine was better," seethed Michelle.  
  
Rachel shot her a venomous look. "Well? Spin the bottle," she told Victoria. Grimacing, Victoria flicked her wrist, sending the bottle spinning wildly. It slowed, and came to rest, pointing at Stephanie.  
  
"Aw...." said Stephanie, looking down at her hands in disappointment.  
  
"Poor Steph," said Rachel, not sounding sympathetic at all.  
  
"My question now!" cackled Michelle. "Okay....which one of us will get a broken back?"  
  
"That's pathetic!" groaned Victoria.  
  
"The grammar doesn't sound quite right," said Rachel, thoughtfully. She had recently become obsessed with grammar. It was extremely annoying, for herself as well as her friends.  
  
"Who cares? Just spin the bottle," shrugged Alex.  
  
The bottle ended up pointing up at Michelle.  
  
"Ouch," said Rachel, with a nasty grin. "Painful."  
  
Ten bottle spins later, it was revealed that Stephanie would become a clown, as well as the future headmistress for PLC, Michelle would have three boyfriends (ooh....), Victoria would be the first out of them to get married, and Michelle would also throw someone out of the window. (Rachel resolved never to stand to close to the walls). The others weren't worth revealing.  
  
The game ended with a sudden loud knock at the door.  
  
"What?" demanded Rachel, testily, glancing up in annoyance.  
  
Artemis's face popped over the side of the Slytherin door.  
  
"Dinner will be appearing in large platters on your beds at 7pm," he told them. "The headmaster does not believe it safe to leave your commonrooms, and...." he stopped, frowning. "Why are you all here? You're not in Slytherin," he told Sarah, indignantly. Draco (who had been watching the game with some interest and much horror) lifted a brow, and smiled insolently at Artemis.  
  
"Hello, mudblood," he said, scathingly.  
  
"Not you again," groaned Artemis. Angeline burst out laughing. Christina retained a confused expression.  
  
"Huh? I don't get it," she said.  
  
"What's new?" snorted Angeline.  
  
"Well, there IS a totally awesome new ice cream flavour," said Christina, with gusto, not understanding that she had just been insulted. "It's kinda like coffee, only I hate coffee, but other than that---"  
  
"It was a rhetorical question," Rachel told her.  
  
"Rhetorical?" said Christina, eyes growing wide.  
  
"Rhetorical: belonging to or concerned with mere style or effect," began Angeline.  
  
"I'm beginning to understand who I'm going to throw out the window now," growled Michelle.  
  
"Can you say understand for that?" asked Angeline, determined to annoy Michelle further. "It doesn't sound quite right."  
  
"Nothing she says ever does," Rachel pointed out.  
  
"Ha ha. Very funny," said Michelle. "Spin the bottle again. See how many people I'm going to throw out of that freaking window before the night is over."  
  
"But the night is still young!" exclaimed Rachel. Michelle screwed up her face.  
  
"What the?!" she spluttered.  
  
"I don't know why I said that," continued Rachel. "I guess I just felt like it. Because some things just go together, and so I felt that it would be good to just point out that since it's still early, you don't know what time you're going to murder those people. And you can't even really tell whom you're going to kill, if you know what I mean. Cuz like, it's only a bottle, and if you're going to take Spin the Bottle for fact, then you must have the LOWEST IQ out of all of us. But we know that that cannot be possible, seeing that Christina is in our midst, and if you have less brain cells than her, the world has spun out of orbit. However, if the world HAD spun out of orbit, then someone would be bound to notice, cuz like, there'd probably be a huge---"  
  
"Rachel?" said Angeline.  
  
"Uh huh?" Rachel stopped.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"What if I don't want to?"  
  
"Well....you have to."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I say so."  
  
"So what if you say so?"  
  
"I'm a School Leader. You have to listen to me."  
  
"I'm twice finalist in the Nestle Write Around Australia competition. I'll do whatever I bloody well please."  
  
"Twice?" said Alex, interrupting the impressive display of egotistic power.  
  
"Mm hmm...." Rachel did not take her eyes off her 'opponent'. She had not lost an argument in five years. She was not planning to stop now.  
  
"What the hell is that?" asked Draco.  
  
"A School Leader is the equivalent of a prefect in the Junior School," Angeline told him, proudly.  
  
"I'm a School Leader too," grinned Alex.  
  
"So am I," Sarah piped up.  
  
"Well I'm a Library Monitress," Victoria said.  
  
"That doesn't matter," snapped Rachel. "If you don't let me borrow more than four books, you don't mean anything in my point of view."  
  
"But I'm not allowed to break the rules just for you," protested Victoria. "Only Library Monitresses are allowed to borrow five books."  
  
"Tough, then," sniffed Rachel.  
  
Draco repeated his question, aiming it at the other girl.  
  
"Huh? Wazza? Oh. Uh...." Rachel chewed her lip. "Well it's a competition, and you have to write a story under five hundred words, and send it in, and only year fives and sixes are allowed to enter."  
  
Not wanting to be left out, Christina shouted, "WELL I GOT THE MERIT IN YEAR THREE!"  
  
"I got the merit in year four," retorted Rachel.  
  
"It means she topped her class," explained Angeline, knowledgeable as always.  
  
"You're all such show-offs," said Michelle.  
  
"Yeah right," drawled Rachel. "If you HAD anything to show off, you'd be boasting with the best of them. But...." she stopped, with a sly grin. "You don't. Unless you count your three futuristic---"  
  
"SHUT UP!" screeched Michelle, going bright red.  
  
"Go on," said Artemis, beginning to smile.  
  
Happily, Rachel obliged.  
  
*  
  
The camp was AWFUL. There were friggin TURKEYS running around the place, and the kookaburras were mad. They stole people's food, even when the person was holding it! And the cordial sucked. It was WAAAAAAAAAY too diluted. And the tents were all squishy, and I had to share one with Vicky and Alex. Ugh. SHARING.  
  
But if you forget all that crappy stuff, you'll probably get amnesia. No, actually one good thing DID come of the camp. Two, actually, but first things first. We had a stupid Talent Night, and I decided to write a kinda play thingy for us to do. Basically, I just put songs in my point of view. I destroyed Enrique Iglesias's 'Hero' & 'Don't turn out the Light', as well as Ronan Keating's 'If Tomorrow never Comes'. I won't give it all away, but Angeline sang the verses (cuz she's really good at singing), Michelle posed as a homicidal Enrique and murderous Ronan, and Christina acted a hobo and Ronan's victim. Michelle was trying to kill her in both Hero and If tomorrow never Comes. Leanne, Susie, Tula, Loui, and Amelia were tellitubbies. Since there's only four tellitubbies though, Angeline made up a new one. Funny; I always thought that the first thing Angeline would invent was some kind of new extremely difficult way of doing maths. Instead, she created a blue tellitubby, called Fifo. Interesting.  
  
The other good thing is that Leanne lost her voice. It went all hoarse and low, and she even went through a few stages where she couldn't even talk. She could only whisper. The bad thing is that Susie also lost her voice. And Sarah couldn't come on the camp, because she burnt herself with a glue gun or something. So wish Sarah and Susie a quick recovery, keep your fingers crossed and hope that Leanne has bronchitis or whatever, and gimme reviews.  
  
Sounds hard? Camp was worse. 


	35. Homicidal Sandwiches

Chapter 35  
  
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? I'M STILL GOING! AND I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE ON MONDAY! AND IT'S TEST WEEK! AND I'M MEANT TO BE STUDYING! SEE HOW FAITHFUL I AM TO YOU GUYS OUT THERE? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST WRITE A BLOODY REVIEW?! I'M THE ONE WRITING THE DAMNED STORY!  
  
....  
  
Oh yeah, and Jess 'n Claire? I'm really sorry to have to do this to you guys, but....you know. Jess, it's your fault for being so argumentative in Art, and Claire, you ignored me after school. So....this is what you get for being nasty.  
  
*  
  
Suddenly, a thought struck Michelle. Furiously, she struck back, then realised that it was only a thought that had attacked her.  
  
"Oh. Oops," she said. Then, she tried to coax the thought back, in case it was useful. However, thoughts are very sensitive things, and after being hit once, it was not going to come back in a hurry. So Michelle forgot what it was.  
  
"What?" asked Angeline.  
  
Michelle shrugged. "Nothing."  
  
Meanwhile, upstairs, in one of the many girls' dormitories....  
  
"Hey, Jess?" asked Claire.  
  
"Huh? What?" Jess sat up abruptly, and looked around the room. "Oh. Yeah, what?"  
  
"Are we really in Hogwarts?"  
  
The other girl chewed her lip thoughtfully. "I guess," she shrugged. "Now, it's been so long. I think we should be in that 'Muggle Studies' class."  
  
"Yeah...." Claire nodded, slowly. The two girls got up, and walked towards the door. However, a split second later, a tray of sandwiches appeared on top of the beds, and toppled over, on the soft sheets of the bed. Infinite food spells were very dangerous, and the two girls were about to discover why. The second the sandwiches fell off the tray, more sandwiches appeared, replacing the lost ones, before also falling off the tray, and being replaced by more sandwiches. Because the tray was so big, it only took a matter of seconds for the sandwiches to fill the room, smothering the girls before they even knew what was happening.  
  
Three seconds later, Jess and Claire woke up from a very strange daydream. Upon checking, they found that Angeline and the others still weren't back, and their teacher, Miss Fraser was still doing mixed numerals.  
  
Molly was still slumped over in her desk, fast asleep, her laptop screen shut. Miss Fraser did not approve of laptops being open, whilst she was talking.  
  
"And so class, 154/ 21 would equal...."  
  
And on it went.  
  
But back at Hogwarts....  
  
"I'm HUNGRY!" wailed Alex. "I WANNA GO BACK TO MY ROOM AND EAT!"  
  
"I'm HUNGRY!" Christina chimed in. "Michelle, can I go in your room, and see what's for dinner?"  
  
"You mean EAT," muttered Victoria.  
  
Christina stopped, to glare at her. "Humph!" she said, tossing her hair.  
  
"Whatever. I'm not hungry," shrugged Rachel, desperately searching for a reason to not go near their room, which had two large WINDOWS.  
  
"Well, can't we play on your laptop then?" whined Victoria. "C'mon.... PLEASE?"  
  
"Yeah! Great idea!" said Rachel, sarcastically. "What would you rather play? My stupid 'Thredbo Landslide project', or my Microworlds project?"  
  
"WHAT?" ejaculated Angeline, for the second time that day. Or rather, EVENING, if you're an Angeline-type person, in which case I never hope to meet you, as one Angeline is quite enough for me, thank you very much.  
  
"THEN WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING YOUR STUPID LAPTOP?" she shrieked at Rachel.  
  
The other girl frowned. "Well, I haven't finished my projects," she shrugged.  
  
"THAT'S SO STOOPID!" hooted Christina, bursting into laughter.  
  
Victoria shook her head sadly.  
  
"Deprived child," said Rachel, softly.  
  
"Huh? Deprived?" Christina looked at her.  
  
"(Especially of children) without certain benefits of money or social class; lacking educational opportunities, parental affection, etc.," said Angeline, not-so-helpfully.  
  
"I still don't get it," said Christina.  
  
"Deprived of new-technology," sighed Rachel. "A brain."  
  
Victoria burst into laughter, as did most of the group.  
  
"Go Rachel!" laughed Angeline, clapping.  
  
"You always say that," Michelle informed her, sounding annoyed.  
  
"Yeah, you should get a new line," added Leanne.  
  
Angeline was about to reply, but Rachel butted in.  
  
"Yeah? Well YOU should get a new life," she snapped. "Or maybe you should GET one, seeing the way you act."  
  
There was a minute of silence....and it wasn't even ANZAC day.  
  
Then....  
  
"I can't believe it," gasped Victoria.  
  
"She...." began Susie.  
  
"DEFENDED!" shouted Katie.  
  
"Someone...." finished Alex.  
  
The whole group was astonished.  
  
"And not just ANYONE," said Sarah, solemnly.  
  
"ANGELINE."  
  
Everyone chimed in on that one.  
  
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Oh how very funny," she drawled. "You should all go on Seinfeld, you're such a laugh."  
  
"Pleased to hear it," nodded Katie, proudly. "Thanks."  
  
Everyone laughed. Whoever this 'Everyone' character was, Rachel was really beginning to detest her.... or him....OH STUFF IT! IT!  
  
"SARCASM, stupid. SARCASM," said Rachel. Then she stalked off, to play on her laptop. No wait. She only had one game on her laptop now, and that was Icy Tower. And she didn't want to play that. Ah well. Might as well work on her 'project'.  
  
Rachel stuck her hand into her pocket, and patted the photos lovingly. Camp Photos. Memories. Brings a TEAR to the eye all the time....heh, heh, heh.  
  
*  
  
Okay, that's another chapter down. Phew! How many more, I wonder? Kinda depends on the number of reviews I get, seeing that it's SO inconvenient to update now, because Fanfiction.net is blocked, and it's....  
  
*GASPS*  
  
TEST WEEK! AGHR!  
  
So, yeah. And by the way, Alex is also starting to write a story. I dunno what it's called yet, but yeah.  
  
Her name is Silverthorn, and it's a TP HP fic. (Tamora Pierce and Harry Potter) in case you didn't know. Tamora Pierce is so cool! So's JK Rowling. They're both cool. So....yeah. That's cool.  
  
Oh, wait! I almost forgot. Okay, if you ever go to a really crappy camp, that's a 'Sports & Recreation' one, and you find C.H. luvz Harry Potter '02 under one of the bunks....that's the one Christina slept in, and that's what I wrote. She spent long nights of insomnia, staring up at those words, with a goofy grin on her face. It's really funny. And if Angeline is mean to me any time during this week, I'll tell you what Michelle wrote. And trust me. It's not nice. 


	36. Happy Tellitubbies

Chapter 36  
  
I'm supposed to be doing my homework, OR studying, right now....but really. Can you trust a girl in her room, with a laptop, and a love for writing? C'mon. It doesn't take an Angeline to figure out what she'll REALLY be doing.  
  
Fanfiction.net. It's a whole new world.  
  
Wouldn't that be a totally cool ad? I've got a better one for suncream though. It comes with a slogan, too! Right, if you're retarded, cheap and mean, just skip this whole ad, and go on to my next chapter. Otherwise, just read this quick ad.  
  
Scenario: Three teenagers, on a field. It's a sunny day. There's two guys and one girl. Only one guy has a hat on.  
  
Guy 2 (without the hat): Hats are dumb.  
  
Girl: Yeah.  
  
Guy 2: Let's go. I don't want to be seen around losers like him.  
  
Girl: Yeah.  
  
Guy 1 bursts into tears, as he watches the two popular people leave.  
  
However, the next day....Guy 1, and Girl are dead. Written on the headstone is: Died from not wearing a cap when outside.  
  
Guy 1 turns to camera: Cap on Head! Better than Dead!*  
  
How wicked waz dat? Way better than 'Slip Slop Slap! Put on a cap!'. I mean, that's just old.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You can read the chapter now.  
  
*  
  
Rachel cackled, and cracked her knuckles loudly, as she stared at her laptop screen. A plate of sandwiches lay, untouched, beside a Polaroid camera. Several photos were spilled out, over the table. One had a picture of Angeline, another, a picture of Leanne, and another, a picture of Christina.  
  
"Suffer, people," she said, as she began scanning the photos onto her laptop. Ah, the wonders of modern technology. The things you could do with laptops. In no time at all, there was a bright blue tellitubby sitting in front of her, with Angeline's face, Christina's hair, and an EXTREMELY ANNOYING grin on its face, that could have only belonged to Leanne. However, she soon became bored with this simple prank, deciding instead, to print off several copies of the hideous picture. It was incredible, what a few spells could do to a laptop. It even worked in the ancient castle, as well as her watch!  
  
There was a soft knock at the door, and Michelle poked her head through.  
  
"Have you seen Claire or Jess?" she asked, looking quite put-out.  
  
"Nope. Hey, come look at this." Grinning, Rachel held up her masterpiece.  
  
Taking one look at the piece of paper her 'friend' was holding up, Michelle screamed.  
  
"AH!" she screeched. "IT'S....IT'S....HAPPY!" she choked the last word out, as if it were a hairball. "YEUCH!" She slammed the door, and ran down the stairs.  
  
Rachel arched a brow.  
  
"Interesting," she said, smiling.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Michelle continued to scream, as she tumbled down the steps. Apparently, it did not hurt her, every time her head struck the ground, whenever she tripped.  
  
"MICHELLE!" gasped Angeline. "What are you doing? What's wrong? I thought you were going to look for Jess."  
  
"They're dead," shrugged Michelle.  
  
"Oh," Angeline nodded. "That's why."  
  
"No," Michelle shook her head. "Rachel just printed off his picture of a...." she looked around furtively, as if not wanting anyone to hear her say the FORBIDDEN WORD, which she had stupidly screamed out, earlier on.  
  
"Happy tellitubby," she finished, straightening.  
  
"What?"  
  
Michelle repeated the unspeakable phrase, quietly.  
  
"I still can't hear you," said Angeline, sounding quite annoyed. She LOOKED VERY annoyed.  
  
"A HAPPY TELLITUBBY! HAPPY NOW?" shrieked Michelle. Instantly, she cowered down, and looked around quickly.  
  
Angeline burst out laughing. "Why on earth would Rachel---" she stopped, realisation dawning on her face.  
  
"AH! I'LL KILL YOU, IF YOU'VE---" she screamed, as she sprinted up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Reaching the top, she yanked open a door.  
  
Pansy looked up.  
  
Angeline shut the door, and opened another one.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle were poised over a girl's bed, two huge slugs, wriggling in their grasp.  
  
"Don't you dare," said Angeline, before slamming the door. She planted her hands on her hips, and glared around at the many doors. Which one would someone like Rachel dwell in? Hmm....As she thought, the group below shared out several packets of candy.  
  
Suddenly....  
  
"SARDINES!" yelled Sarah, leaping up, delighted at the prospect of a new game.  
  
"Okay!" grinned Katie.  
  
Gleefully, the group sprinted up the stairs, opening doors, and slamming them.  
  
"Just what do you think you're doing?" demanded Angeline.  
  
"TINY TOTS RULE!" shrieked Alex, as she tore past the older girl.  
  
"WHAT?" Then, remembering the small, sugar coated fruit candies that had made her whole room (including her, she was ashamed to say), to get high, at the Canberra excursion, Angeline groaned. Small but devious. That was the perfect way to describe Tiny Tots. Kinda like Jubes, only smaller, and WAY sweeter.  
  
"I LOVE TINY TOTS!" shouted Victoria, completing a pirouette. She giggled, and yanked open a door to reveal....  
  
Uh oh.  
  
*  
  
What's Victoria done NOW, I wonder?  
  
Oh, and by the way, never share a pack of Tiny Tots with three of your friends, after ten at night. You'll get so high, there won't be a ladder long enough to get you down. It was SO funny when Angeline went high. She started laughing at the corniest jokes, and staggering around, giggling. Oh, and when Michelle gets high, it's SO WEIRD. She also starts giggling, and screaming at the slightest sound, and every time she trips over (which is extremely often, when she's high) you can hear her cry.  
  
'OH FUCK!'  
  
Yup. Not terribly good. I think we must have caused many nightmares for the teachers and motel managers that night. Pity we finished all the Tiny Tots. Wish I wasn't high, so I could've taken a photo of our group.  
  
Katie got seriously freaked out by her euphoric friends, when she returned to her room, after being in another room, watching a movie. She didn't have any Tiny Tots though, so she wasn't any fun. 


	37. Fightingthe Dark Lord

Chapter 37  
  
*  
  
"Huh?" Voldermort looked up, from discussing a plan with his servant.  
  
"HAHA! YOU LOOK LIKE A LIME TINY TOT!" giggled Victoria, catching sight of the evil wizard's pale green face.  
  
*well, it was kinda green in the movie, so yeah. Was he MEANT to sound like a granny, though?*  
  
"I thought you said this room was abandoned," Voldermort turned to glare at the quivering Pettigrew.  
  
"It was, Master," whimpered Peter.  
  
"MASTER?" Victoria's eyes widened, and she staggered forward. "Cool."  
  
"WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE!" bellowed Voldermort. "Seize her!"  
  
Peter's silver hand shot forward, and clamped around Victoria's arm.  
  
"Ow!" she yelped. "Leggo of me! You smelly Tiny Tot!"  
  
"Tiny Tot?" Voldermort looked extremely confused. "What's a Tiny Tot?"  
  
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A TINY TOT IS!" screamed Victoria, then burst into laughter, as if it were the funniest thing she had ever heard. "THAT'S FUNNY! OR AS CHRISTINA WOULD SAY....THAT'S SO STOOPID!"  
  
"Oh grief," Voldermort rolled his eyes. "Shut her up."  
  
"Yes, Master. At once, Master," Peter bowed, and hurried to do his master's bidding.  
  
Bound and gagged, Victoria squirmed around on the floor, the last effects of the Tiny Tots leaving her.  
  
"Mmmf mff mm mm mmm!" she shrieked at him.  
  
"What did she say?" asked Voldermort.  
  
"I think it sounded like....Dyed trends are a hairdo," replied Peter.  
  
"Oh." Voldermort nodded, and absently ran his hand through his hair.  
  
"Mm mm mmm hm hmm mmm hmm hmmm!" vowed Victoria, as she continued to thrash around on the carpeted floor.  
  
"You won't get a laser hiss," translated Peter.  
  
"That's nice. Now, we must leave, before the rest of those hooligans come looking for her," muttered Voldermort.  
  
"At once, Master," said Pettigrew, rushing to open a window.  
  
Instantly, a dark figure zoomed into the room, giggling madly.  
  
"Oh, fuck!" shouted Michelle, as she ricocheted off the walls. The front of Harry's Firebolt was snapped, and hanging limply, disconnected from the rest of the broom. Obviously, Michelle's night-vision was failing her.  
  
"Huh?" Voldermort looked up, just as the girl flew past him, drunk with euphoria.  
  
"HAHAHA! THIS IS SO FUN!" giggled Michelle.  
  
Suddenly, Voldermort realised who the euphoric, sugar-high child was.  
  
"Grand daughter!" he exclaimed, holding his arms out towards his long-lost relative.  
  
"AW, SHUDDUP, YOU STINKIN IDIOT!" shrieked Michelle, ramming into him.  
  
Voldermort was knocked off his feet, from the impact.  
  
"My, she certainly HAS changed," he gasped, as he rubbed his sore side.  
  
"HIYA, VICKY!" yelled Michelle, waving energetically to her friend, who lay, trussed up, on the ground.  
  
"MMF!" screamed Victoria, her limbs flailing wildly, and looking very much like a fish out of water.  
  
"MISTRESS!" gasped Pettigrew, holding his hands up to his face. "O great Mistress, whom we have been waiting for, through the ages!"  
  
"WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT, IF MY WATCH STOPPED WORKING!" snapped Michelle, slowing down, and getting off the broom.  
  
Pettigrew blinked.  
  
"Laugh," instructed Voldermort. "That is what you do, when my grand daughter makes a joke."  
  
"It wasn't a joke, though," protested Michelle.  
  
Pettigrew laughed.  
  
"Do not mock my granddaughter!" barked Voldermort, viciously.  
  
"Are you making fun of me?" growled Michelle, balling her hands into fists. Pettigrew did not know what to say.  
  
"N....no, Mistress," he whimpered.  
  
"Then you're calling me a liar," concluded Michelle.  
  
"MM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" exclaimed Victoria, thrashing harder.  
  
"Okay," shrugged Michelle, bending down to untie the younger girl.  
  
"Stop!" cried Voldermort, still lying against the wall. "Don't you see? She is the greatest enemy of us all! Why are you helping her?"  
  
Michelle stopped, and looked at Voldermort. "What?" she said.  
  
"Mmf!" Victoria gave one last kick, and leapt up, the ropes falling away from her. "Thanks, Michelle!" she said. "Now let's get outta here!"  
  
"Petrificus totalus!" bellowed Voldermort.  
  
Victoria suddenly found that she was in a full body-bind.  
  
"Oh grea'," she groaned, unable to move. Even her tongue was stuck, for goodness sake!  
  
"Heehee! That's so cool!" squealed Michelle, who had had WAY more Tiny Tots than any of her other friends.  
  
"Hel' e!" screamed Victoria.  
  
"What was that?" asked Michelle.  
  
"I'ng hkuck!" screeched Victoria.  
  
Michelle felt a sudden urge to protect her friend from the hideous old man in front of her.  
  
"LET HER GO!" she shrieked at Voldermort.  
  
"Crucio!" cackled Voldermort, pointing his wand at Victoria.  
  
Michelle leapt up, as she prepared to scream at Voldermort, but the toe of her shoe got caught in the floorboards, and she tripped over in the path of....  
  
"OW!" Michelle screamed, as the curse hit her. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CRAZY OLD MAN?!"  
  
At that second, Neville leapt into the room.  
  
"STOP!" he ordered. "THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND!"  
  
"WHAT?!" Michelle stared at him. "EW! GROSS! THAT'S SO SICK! YUCK! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!" Then, under her breath, she added, "And Enrique Iglesias is WAY cuter than you."  
  
"Oh. It's a Gryffindor," said Voldermort, flicking his wand at Neville.  
  
"YEOWCH!" the boy leaped up about five feet into the air. Then he burst into tears, his face going red. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT HURTS! BOOHOOHOO! I WANT MY MUMMY!"  
  
"'Agh yo goyheng?" asked Victoria.  
  
"NO IT'S NOT!" shrieked Michelle. "YOU'RE ALL GROSS!"  
  
"What's going on?" Sarah peered into the room. Then, upon seeing the complete chaos in the room, she screamed.  
  
"Huh? What's happening?" Susie gaped at the scene. "I'll get help," she gulped, and disappeared.  
  
"Oh my gosh! Is that...." Sarah stopped, unable to believe what was happening.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HHHH!" Neville was still wailing away, Victoria did her best to free herself from the enchantment that was set upon her, and Michelle was still grossed out from Neville's earlier statement.  
  
"Honestly! You're like the rats in the Pied Piper!" snorted Voldermort. Then he turned to Michelle, beaming. "How about you come, give your granddad a big hug, hey, sweetie?"  
  
"Eugh. No way," said Michelle. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
Voldermort looked hurt. "Why, I'm your granddad, Voldermort. You may know me as 'Grandpa Tom'."  
  
"HUH?"  
  
The evil wizard handed his wand to Pettigrew, and got up.  
  
"Remember?" he said. "I used to sing you songs all the time. Hmm....oh yes. There was....  
  
~ There's a bear in there ~  
  
~ and an electric chair ~  
  
~ There's muggles with AIDS ~  
  
~ and hand grenades ~  
  
~ open wide ~  
  
~ commit suicide ~  
  
~ it's gay school ~"  
  
By the end of the song, Michelle was singing along, delight written across her face.  
  
"I REMEMBER!" she exclaimed, happily.  
  
"That's lovely." Smiling, Voldermort patted the top of her head.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Victoria.  
  
"Hello, hello and how are you?" sang Rachel, skipping into the room. Catching sight of the smile on Michelle's face, she froze.  
  
"Hi, Rachel!" grinned Michelle, waving at her friend. "Here. I'd like to introduce you to my Grandpa Tom!"  
  
"THAT'S VOLDERMORT!" gasped Stephanie.  
  
"Uh huh. But you can also call him Grandpa Tom," beamed Michelle. Then, she turned to Voldermort. "Right, Grandpa?"  
  
"Are they your friends?" asked Voldermort, looking quite uncomfortable.  
  
"Yeah!" Michelle looked around at the throng of startled girls. "What's wrong?"  
  
"NEVILLE!" cried Hermione, bursting in on the scene.  
  
"Oh great," muttered Rachel. "OH, NEVILLE! MY LOVE! MY DARLING! MY ONE TRUE LOVE! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!"  
  
Neville blushed, and sniffed loudly. "That's wonderful, but I'm afraid that my heart's promised to...." he stopped, and gave the psychomaniac in front, a loving look. "Michelle," he breathed.  
  
"Grief. Don't flatter yourself, boy," said Rachel. "I was being sarcastic. I mean, who would actually like YOU?"  
  
Neville burst into noisy sobs.  
  
"What's wrong with Neville?" asked Hermione, glaring at Rachel. "He's a perfectly....charming individual."  
  
"Uh huh. In his own rights, he is. But does he HAVE any rights?" drawled Rachel.  
  
Even though she was Neville's friend, Hermione had to agree- that girl DID have a point.  
  
"Yeah, well.... You're not that pretty, either," she said, nervously.  
  
Rachel did NOT look happy. In fact, she looked quite the opposite.  
  
"Gimme that wand," she growled at Pettigrew.  
  
The man whimpered.  
  
"GIMME THE DAMN WAND!" yelled Rachel.  
  
But before she could touch the wand, whom else should arrive, but the famous Harry Potter and Ron Weasley?  
  
At the sight of Voldermort, Harry's eyes filled with tears, and he charged forward, scattering females in his headlong dash at Voldermort.  
  
"YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!" he sobbed, grabbing the old man by the throat. "YOU BLOODY BASTARD! YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!"  
  
Voldermort made a croaking noise.  
  
"Let go of him!" commanded Michelle. "He's my Grandpa Tom."  
  
"NO HE'S NOT! HE'S A MURDERER! A FILTHY MURDERER!" snapped Harry, shaking Voldermort wildly. "AND HE KILLED MY PARENTS!"  
  
"Yeah! You tell him, Harry!" cheered Christina.  
  
Meanwhile, in the background, Ron was grappling with Pettigrew.  
  
"You filthy scum," he said. "I let you sleep in my BED. How DARE you deceive me like that! How DARE you!"  
  
Tears were streaming down the servant's face.  
  
"I'm so sorry," he sniffled. "I didn't mean to trick you. I was very fond of you, too. Honest!"  
  
Victoria, who had gotten free from the bodybind, once the servant let go of the wand, was sitting on the ground, trembling. There was nowhere she could run.  
  
"GET UP, VICTORIA!" shouted Stephanie.  
  
What happened next took place very fast.  
  
First, Voldermort whipped a wand out of his robes, and performed 'Crucio' on Harry, Victoria leapt back into the crowd of friends, Pettigrew fainted, and a huge snake appeared out of the ceiling.  
  
"AH!" said Harry, in pain, as he was struck by the spell.  
  
"AH!" said Victoria, in relief, as she found herself in friendly area again.  
  
"AH!" said Ron, in alarm, as Pettigrew fainted on top of him.  
  
"AH!" said everyone else, catching sight of the snake. That was....everyone except for Rachel. She was too brave.  
  
No, actually, she didn't see the snake. She was facing the other way. But she must have been brave to not run away from something that she could not see, nor could she feel.  
  
"KILL THEM," ordered Voldermort, in parseltongue.  
  
"Yessssss masssssssssster. At onccccccccccccccccccccce," said the Basilisk, turning on the first person it could find.  
  
"LET GO OF ME!" screamed Angeline. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH A SCHOOL LEADER!"  
  
Normally, it would not have taken any notice of its dinner. However, this tone was so commanding, and so....eugh. MATURE, that the snake let go, immediately.  
  
"NONONONONONONONO," said Leanne, holding her hands up, in defence.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH---"  
  
"Shut up, Christina."  
  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed Christina, as she was lifted into the air, by the Basilisk. Her screaming filled its ears, and it was so awful, resembling....a rooster's cry.  
  
BOONG.  
  
The Basilisk dropped on the floor. Dead.  
  
Quickly, Christina crawled out of the snake's mouth, and confronted Voldermort.  
  
"STOP IT, YOU BIG MEANIE!" she yelled (a referral to what Voldermort was doing to Harry). "YOU'RE SUCH A BULLY! AND YOU'RE BIG AND FAT AND UGALY! DON'T HURT HARRY!"  
  
"What did you just call my Grandpa Tom?" asked Michelle, cracking her knuckles loudly.  
  
"I SAID THAT HE WAS BIG AND FAT AND UGLY AND MEAN!" repeated Christina, her eyes filling with tears. "LET HIM GO!"  
  
Harry was near dead, his limbs trembling with exhaustion, as wave after wave after wave, of pain struck his frail frame. His eyes were dull, and his mouth was slack.  
  
"BOOHOO! LET HIM GO! I'LL DO ANYTHING!" sobbed Christina. "I'LL GIVE YOU NAIL POLISH, MY 'GIRLFRIEND' MAGAZINES, BOOMER, A WHOLE NEW GIRL'S MAKEOVER....hey, they're really cool, you know. Because they tease your hair, before they put sparkly glitter all over your face, and then they put the makeup on, and---"  
  
Bang. Voldermort's head flopped down, limply.  
  
He had been bored to death.  
  
*  
  
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww that was a long chapter. Ya like? Don't worry. It's nearing the end. 


	38. Assembled Confusion

Chapter 38  
  
Sniff, sniff. It's almost over. How sad.  
  
*  
  
"I'm so relieved to find you all safe," said Dumbledore. "I can't believe Voldermort DARED to enter one of the girl's dormitories, to have a meeting. Christina, I really must thank you. You're so brave. How on EARTH did you manage to kill both Voldermort AND the Basilisk?"  
  
The snoring stopped.  
  
Christina looked up abruptly.  
  
"Huh?" she said. "What's happening?"  
  
Dumbledore looked quite annoyed, but, nonetheless, repeated the question.  
  
"How should I know?" shrugged Christina. "Ask Angeline. She's the genius." And with that, she went back to sleep, her head resting on Harry's shoulder.  
  
How sweet.  
  
A few months later....  
  
The Great Hall All the students  
  
"And with all that finished, I would like to make several announcements," said Dumbledore. "Firstly, there are four great ladies in our midst. I would like to announce....the heir of Slytherin!"  
  
An excited murmur went through the hall, and all eyes turned to fix themselves upon Michelle and Draco Malfoy.  
  
"I reckon it's the new girl," whispered some.  
  
"No way! She may be bad, but when Draco plays dirty, he PLAYS DIRTY," replied others.  
  
There was a brief silence, as the hall held its breath.  
  
Then....  
  
"Miss Leanne Tran. Please stand up," said Dumbledore.  
  
There was a shocked stillness, before the hall erupted into noise.  
  
"WHAT?!" screamed every single person in the room.  
  
Meanwhile, blushing, Leanne stood.  
  
"Secondly, the heir of Hufflepuff," continued Dumbledore, once the hall had settled.  
  
Every eye in the room was riveted on Leanne.  
  
"Miss Angeline Tan, please stand!"  
  
"HUH?!" gasped everyone.  
  
Her mouth open in shock and horror, Angeline stood, gasping along with the rest of the room.  
  
"It can't be!" she wailed, amongst all the noise. "This is not logical! It's WRONG!" Then, burying her scarlet face in her hands, Angeline burst into tears.  
  
"Heir of Ravenclaw," said Dumbledore.  
  
Uncertainly, people turned to look at Vanessa, whilst others glanced at Artemis.  
  
"Miss Christina Hodkinson!"  
  
"Huh?" said Christina. "I don't get it."  
  
"You're meant to stand," the girl beside her whispered.  
  
"Oh. Am I?" Christina stood, scratching her head, and looking very confused.  
  
"And finally, the heir of Gryffindor!" beamed Dumbledore.  
  
There was no mistake this time. Everyone was staring directly at Harry.  
  
"Miss Victoria Lui! Please stand!" smiled Dumbledore.  
  
Looking around nervously, Victoria stood.  
  
She was greeted by much 'booing' and hissing, from the hall.  
  
"SIDDOWN, GIRL!" yelled George. "AND GET UP, HARRY!"  
  
"Now, now, Mr Weasley," said Dumbledore, sternly. "We must give all our heirs as much appreciation as possible. I DID, after all, say 'ladies' in case you were not listening?"  
  
George shrugged, and muttered something under his breath. He had changed, since his brother's death. No longer cheerful and mischievous, he was now sullen and sober. Beside him, Angelina patted his arm, soothingly.  
  
"Thank you. You may all leave now," said Dumbledore, stepping down from the stage.  
  
Silently, the hall was emptied, as child after child after child asked each other....  
  
"What the hell is wrong with our headmaster?"  
  
*  
  
I'm so sad! It's almost finished! Boo hoo! Just....keep reviewing! Please? 


	39. If only you knew

Chapter 39  
  
*  
  
After the assembly, all four heirs headed towards Dumbledore, their mouths agape, and their heads shaking.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore," began Angeline, tenatively.  
  
"Yes? What is it, Miss Tan?" smiled Dumbeldore, turning around to look at the group of very troubled friends.  
  
"I'm afraid there's been a mistake," said Angeline. "You see....I CAN'T be the heir of Hufflepuff. It's just not logical. Victoria just CAN'T be the heir of Gryffindor, and Christina? The heir of Ravenclaw? You have GOT to be kidding. And LEANNE? Are you NUTS? The girl's pathetic! She doesn't have a single treacherous bone in her body!"  
  
There was a dull 'clunk', as the kitchen knife dropped out of Leanne's sleeve.  
  
"Oops," Leanne bent down to retrieve the weapon. Then, seeing the startled looks on her friends' faces, she giggled.  
  
Dumbledore re-read the list.  
  
"Yes...." he said, after a while. "You're right again, Miss Tan. There HAS been a mistake. You are actually the heir of Ravenclaw, and Christina is actually the heir of Hufflepuff."  
  
"But...." Angeline jerked her head meaningly towards Leanne. "What about HER? And HER?"  
  
Sighing, Dumbledore shook his head.  
  
"I'm sorry, Miss Tan," he told Angeline, giving Leanne a sorrowful look. "If only you knew. And surely it's obvious that Miss Lui is the heir of Gryffindor? After all, the Basilisk WAS trying to kill her all along."  
  
And with that, he turned and left, his robes swishing as he walked.  
  
*Epilogue  
  
Despite her best efforts to become evil, Leanne never quite made it. With Voldermort dead, and Leanne as its new heir, Slytherin slowly diminished. Michelle did her best to replace Leanne, but being the granddaughter of Voldermort did not, unfortunately, entitle her to be the heir of Slytherin. However, Victoria was a very good heir, negotiating with the other heirs, whenever conflict began. There was no further friction between Houses.  
  
George ended up marrying Angelina, and they had two children, whom they decided to call 'Harry' and 'Fred'.  
  
Artemis, and the scholarship students were never heard of again in the muggle world, and they became boarders, at Hogwarts.  
  
Michelle became a famous Beater, Victoria, a renowned Seeker, and Angeline, a superb Chaser.  
  
The elves and Foaly decided to stay at Hogwarts, as there was no way back.  
  
*  
  
A/N (I've FINALLY figured out what that means)  
  
Well, it was a long story, and I admit, a tad 'strange' at times, but yeah. Hey, I'm only thirteen. I'm sorry, Michelle, I never got round to doing the Quidditch stuff, but you know. It's kinda hard.  
  
Thank you SO much, anonymous reviewer, who kept encouraging me, throughout my whole story, from being the first ever to review, to being one of the last.  
  
Ice, your review was much appreciated, cuz hardly anyone else gave me a signed review.  
  
Oh yeah, and if you wanna read s'more stuff from my demented group of friends, Victoria's name is The Copper C@t, and Alex's name is Silverthorn. Victoria writes kinda slush stories, but she's got heaps of reviews, so yeah. Alex has just started writing a story called Alanna versus Ralon, and that's about TP (Tamora Pierce).  
  
Well, I guess that's it. This definitely WON'T be the last story I put on, and I might even make a sequel to this. Depends, though.  
  
All I really wanted to say was....  
  
Thanx 4 reading my story 


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